Category: miscellaneous

fulfillment

We are complex human beings, and have many arteries that lead to the heart of fulfillment. It can be said that success is a science, you can find all sorts of avenues, guides, step by step instructions on how to succeed at almost anything. But fulfillment…that is an art. With any big goal I have had, whether it is losing 20 pounds, running a marathon, opening another restaurant, paying off my car…the striving was the fun of it. Once I achieved the “goal”, I felt satisfaction or euphoria or just chilled out, but only for a time. Then, as what was once just out of reach is completed and behind me, I was faced with a what next? I have a polarized way of being, one part of me yearns to strive and climb and do the hard stuff, and the other part is always telling me to relax and just enjoy where you are. Life becomes the balancing act between these two strong parts of my personality. I know that if I am nearing the realization of a goal, I had better have another one right behind it, or apathy, laziness, boredom will set in for me as the dip between climbs.

I have known myself all my life, but I am still peeling layers back and getting surprised about who I am and what drives me.
This sounds crazy, because how is it that we don’t really know ourselves? I mean, we are ourselves, our minds are our own, our body is ours, so why do we succumb to doing things that are not in our best interest? Why do I eat those Oreos when I have been so good on my healthy eating? Why do I get upset when someone projects their own unhappiness onto me? Why is it that what is just out of reach is more fulfilling than what is in my hand?

The process of learning about myself has sent me on the search to find out what brings me fulfillment, not just success. The way to really operate at our highest potential is to make sure that we are taking care of all of those pathways.

For me, I can narrow it down to 5 main roads:

  • Love and Connection- I need to love and be loved, I think this is my strongest need, and I am so blessed that I have outstanding and close relationships with people I am able to live this with and through.
  • Growth – I need to be learning and growing. I fulfill this need in many ways, by reading, mentoring, learning new skills, pushing my body. I passionately love learning and mastering new things that were for me once hard. Riding a bike, running long distance, learning to be a leader, speaking in front of people, even learning new software. Hard is good.
  • Security – I think for a lot of us this is a big one. I want to feel safe and believe that tomorrow will be okay. I want to make sure that those I love have the comfort and security I also crave.
  • Excitement – This can be the opposite of security. This is when I step outside my comfort zone and am doing things I didn’t think I could do. This comes from seeing the people I lead and love growing and excited about their lives.
  • Purpose – I need to know that I am doing all I can to make a difference in the lives of the people I interact with, and in my little part of this world.

It is not in the pursuit of happiness that we find fulfillment, it is in the happiness of pursuit. -Denis Waitley

understanding

“To blame someone for not understanding you fully is deeply unfair because, first of all, we don’t understand ourselves, and even if we do understand ourselves, we have such a hard time communicating ourselves to other people. Therefore, to be furious and enraged and bitter that people don’t get all of who we are is really a cruel piece of immaturity.” Alain De Botton

As we were driving home in traffic on Tuesday I noticed a white van driving kind of erratically next to us. My gaze was drawn over to the driver, who I saw flipping the bird to a car that had just pulled in front of him. As I commented to James about this guy, James put his blinker on to get over into the exit lane we needed. “Wow, that guy’s pissed about something, must have had a bad day.” This was going to put us in front of the white van, but there were few other options. As we put our signal on and changed over into the right lane, sure enough, we triggered another show with the angry driver of the van. He accelerated and pulled up beside us to give us a glaring stare and a wave of his middle finger. It was kind of humorous and also very sad that he was so upset about people driving in his lane. We joked about it “Don’t drive near me, this is my safe zone!”, but sheepishly remember times when we have also been aggravated about external things outside our control.

It reminded me that we are always attracting what we put out, and I think how sad that this guy is putting out “F-U”, so all he is going to get back is more of the same. The world operates as a mirror, and if you are spewing negativity, you will attract situations that reflect that reality into your life. If you are asking “Whats in it for me”, you will find yourself in places where the people or the universe is asking the same of you. Instead, if you are asking “how can I serve” and giving love, that is what you will attract back to you. Part of understanding ourselves involves looking at what we are putting out into the world.

If you are having issues with the people you are surrounded with, whether they are your kids, or your significant other, your coworkers, your boss…take a pause and look inside. Focus on understanding yourself, rather than the thinking and behaviors of others. The triggers, the things that annoy us, the things we judge in others…all of these are pointing to the same issues in ourselves. The reason we are bothered by these things is because we have work to do. I have a tendency to want an orderly, uncluttered environment (except my desk!), and it has been difficult sometimes as I get annoyed at my son’s messy room. You could argue that it’s my house, and I can mandate how he needs to keep his room, but what I am attempting instead is to understand that we all have very different perceptions, and maybe what I see as clutter, for him is familiar and comforting.

This work, the work of understanding ourselves, is what I believe is the foundation of all growth. You cannot give what you don’t have, so only by understanding and accepting ourselves can we truly do the same for others.

“One who understands others has knowledge, one who understands himself has wisdom.” – Tao de Ching

perfectionists

“I am a perfectionist” was my badge of honor, what I would tell myself for years. I iterated this to myself and to other people as my secret ingredient that made me a good at the things I was good at. Imagine my surprise when I heard a mentor of mine say that perfectionism is the lowest possible standard you can have. What? How is that even possible? I denied it at first, but there was a seed of truth to his statement. When I dug deep down and looked at myself, I realized that my “perfectionism” had stopped me time and time again from taking action on my dreams.

This is the story that kept me trapped for the first 40 plus years of my life. This belief in the glory of perfectionism was in actuality a well versed cover up of the deep down dirt truth. The truth that I was scared out of my mind to fail. The unattainable standard of perfect that you can never reach by trying to get there. It is the perfect excuse not to start a business or launch something new. I needed to make sure that I had done ALL the research, and played out every possible scenario in my head or on paper or through endless discussion before going forward and putting the stamp of approval on something new.

This has caused me more grief than joy for sure, because paradoxically and thankfully my partner in life and business is the opposite of me in so many ways. He is impulsive and intuitive, and one of his favorite sayings is “Throw it at the wall and see if it sticks!” If you are anything like me, this will serve to drive you crazy. I took my job in our alliance very earnestly. It was my duty to look at all the downsides on any ideas we had. I parked myself firmly on the side that said “Convince me.” Only when he had (usually) worn down my defenses or I had done enough thinking and research to calm my fear did we go forward with anything new.

Back to perfection. Unlocking this truth that it is a trait or belief that is totally based on fear of failure was a huge insight for me. I remind myself constantly to do it afraid. The only way to perfect is to realize that everything is already perfect right now, perfect for you to begin accepting what is in your life today as the perfect environment for you to grow and learn and contribute more to this place we call home.

buckets

Go grab me a bucket of stress will you? That’s what James told me the last time I said I was feeling stressed out. Sounds callous I guess, but its just a fact. Stress is a self created thing. It is the result of the process of thinking about things that make you feel out of control. It is what is distributed to me when I focus on all the stuff I have to do. Or all the stuff I don’t have time for, or all the stuff other people do or say or think. It is a byproduct of over-thinking. Why is it that we get ourselves all worked up into that place? Why is it so hard to look at “stress” as something that we can actually control?

All that is required to get rid of stress immediately is to focus on your emotions and remember that you have a choice. You can choose thoughts that make you feel good. Yes, that is absolutely acceptable and even mandatory. Don’t think about the stuff that gets you into the place where you are reacting to life. Choose thoughts that make you feel good. It’s ok. I promise. The stuff you don’t want to happen is less likely to manifest if you focus else were. The only thing that is in our control, no matter how much we think otherwise, is our emotions.

But I can’t help how I feel, I say. I am valid in feeling this way, this is really a lot of shtt that I am trying to hold together. If I don’t worry about it and think about it, then who will? Who will prevent all the bad stuff from happening if I don’t stress about it? Worrying is like praying for what you DON’T want. Stop focusing on fear. Take charge of your emotions and begin practicing the free choice we all have on what we believe. Bad stuff and good stuff happens no matter what, choose to focus on what you WANT instead of what you FEAR.

Watch what shows up.