Month: October 2017

appreciation

One of the most powerful gifts you can give someone is that of sincere appreciation. I don’t think I am alone in my wondering if what I do makes a difference, no matter how small the impact may be. There are so many things that we take for granted, or even that we expect as the minimum standard. When we go out to eat at a restaurant, we expect the people that serve us to be friendly, kind and attentive. We expect that the garbage will get picked up every week when we put the cans out. We expect our deliveries to arrive on time from Amazon. We expect our spouse or partner kiss us hello and goodbye. We expect there to be hot water when we turn on the shower. What do you think would happen if you got up early and met the trash collector to tell them thank you for helping to keep our community clean? Or if you called the manager over to tell them how much you appreciated the smile or kindness of your server? Or stopped your lover as they gave you the habitual kiss goodbye, looked them directly in the eyes, and told them how grateful you are to have them in your life?

We have so much to be grateful for, the mere fact that if you are reading this, you have access to electricity, internet, and so much more, is in itself something to pause and appreciate. I think that if one person makes a conscious effort to show appreciation to at least 2 other people, the ripple effect can be huge. So many people spend so much energy focusing on I, what I feel, what I want, what I think… that we forget how blessed we all are to be born in this time of incredible abundance and opportunity. I really believe that if we turn our focus to kindness, adjust the dial just a smidge, and start to show appreciation, the momentum we create will help to heal this world.

change the world

“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.” – Amelia Earhart

How much control do you have on the world we live in? Do you believe you have the power to make a positive change? Do you think that the things that are happening in your city, in your state, in your country, in the world, are your responsibility? Are you a spectator or are you a doer? When someone is rude to you, or unfairly accuses you of doing something, do you feel hurt, or angry? Do other people’s actions and moods affect yours? If you are like most of us, they do. I see it all the time with angry drivers, or people I work with that bring their personal problems to work, or in the media on the world stage with all of the back and forth tit for tat. It has been an ongoing process for me to learn to stay cool, to stay me, when faced with outside influencers. It can be hard to do so especially with the people that have the most influence on us, our parents, our kids, our spouse.

It’s easy to see how easily we can be affected by upset, so how about we take that and flip it around. How good does it feel when we get touched with love? What if you set an intention to make all of your interactions laced with love, with kindness. Do you think that will have a ripple effect? I believe it does. I believe that the only way we are going to make this world we all live in a better place is to begin right here, with the daily connections and collisions we have ourselves. Begin the conversation, don’t be shy. Talk to your kids, to your coworkers, to your boss, to your neighbor, to the guy asking for change outside the cafe. Look up, look out, practice giving love even silently at first, then as you get brave, out loud. It may feel strange at first, to tell a stranger you love them, or someone you work with, but it gets easier the more you do it. Start small. Get great.

velcro

When I read things I have written in the past, sometimes the recent past such as in last week or three days ago, or from a year ago, I am often surprised. It feels like I am constantly learning and unlearning, and some of the lessons I have learned I seem to forget. It’s almost with wonder that I read an old journal, feeling a little like I am intruding in someone’s private thoughts, a little uncomfortable and maybe embarrassed. We have such huge brains, and although it is a myth that we only use 10% (research has shown that over a 24 hour period we use all parts of our brains), I imagine that we have sections where we live at different times. When we are in a place of sadness, for example, the things we do, the words we use, the stories we tell, our body language, are all recognizable as our behaviors when we are living in the sad room. When the sadness lifts and we move into another room, the room of curiosity, for example, we have a different set of thoughts, words, and actions. As we move from room to room, the doors to the other rooms are closed, locked even. I think that is why when I read about “aha’s” I have had, or lessons I have learned, they can seem so far away.

I read my own writing, and it sounds like I have it all worked out. But I don’t, its a process, daily, monthly, sometimes hourly to not get triggered. Somehow we find ourselves in the same situations, maybe a different cast of characters or a different movie set, but the trials are the same. My biggest challenges still is to keep my energy and emotions high when around people operating at a lower energy. That sounds all woo-woo, but basically what I mean is staying at peace when someone is upset. Or angry, or sad, or stressed. This is most difficult for me with the people closest to me, my kids, my family, the people I work with. Emotions are living, energy rich things, I think of them as balls of light, or magnets, or static electricity. I am blessed to have some very passionate people in my life, and when that passion veers to the side of upset, it is hard as heck to keep from getting pulled into the vortex of emotion that wants to attract more of the same. When my kids are sad or upset, even now as they are mostly adults, my strength gets tested to stay where I am and not swoop in to try to bring them up. Likewise, when all are content and excited it is easy to be the same.

It helps me to remember that negativity as well as positivity are parts of the whole, and it is a crazy perfectionist idea to think you will never have anything triggering you. The moment you think you have “figured it out”, guess what, it is just another doorway into the next room. And remembering that our thoughts control our emotions, and there is some Velcro involved in there somewhere. If you are thinking dis-empowering thoughts, or getting sucked into someone else’s dramas, our Velcro mechanism will give us more of the same. We will continue to attract scenarios and opportunities in our life to learn what we need to learn. It is all part of our job here during this short time we have on earth to learn as much as we can about ourselves so that we can truly enjoy the amazing miracle that made us human. Just a 1% adjustment to our DNA and we are chimpanzees.

Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them. Marcus Aurelius

change

Take a look at some of those problems of yours, those changes you desire in yourself, and observe your way of going about it. See how you attempt to bring about change-both in yourself and in others- through the use of punishment and reward, through discipline and control, through sermonizing and guilt, through greed and pride, ambitions and vanity, rather than through loving acceptance and patience, painstaking understanding and vigilant awareness. – The way to Love, Anthony de Mello

You can achieve more and improve more not by focusing on what you lack, but in noticing and becoming aware of what works. I know it works for me to exercise and do something hard. I love to be challenged and to be able to push through the barriers of what I thought were possible for me. It is so liberating to break your limiting beliefs. I thought I would never be able to ride a bike, or that I would not even want to, yet mountain biking has proven to be such a great outlet for me to not only think and meditate, but to push my body and to be in nature. Speaking in front of strangers was not something I ever aspired to do, however when I was put in the situation twice in the past year, it was so exhilarating and exciting to do something that was outside my comfort zone!

The bike riding was the result of an intention of mine to do it, but the speaking was just chance. I did not expect it yet it was and is equally as thrilling! My learning is that no matter if I orchestrate the challenge or it is serendipitously brought to me, it will be an amazing experience.

I look for and open myself to challenges. It helps to know that breaking out of the comfort zone you will face a decision point where you will need to move through and not fall back. It helps to know that our entire psyche is pushing towards comfort. It helps to know that the comfort zone is actually a prison, keeping the light of adventure and life out of my vision. I worked so hard to make everything safe and comfy, but like a too soft couch, I sometimes fall in so deep that it takes great effort to get out.

Step one is to fuel my body well so that it can operate at optimum
Step one is to get out in nature through walking the dogs, hiking, and bike riding
Step one is to love myself and know that I am right where I need to be
Step one is to be grateful for the life, health, family and world that I live in

Change is inevitable, growth is optional.

the moment that counts

“Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all that life really means.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

We are living at the meeting space of our vast past and the invisible future that is shining out towards the horizon. The only moment we ever have is right now, yet it can be difficult if not impossible at times to calm ourselves from fear or stress or worry about the many possible futures that lie in front of us. Our poor brains spend so much time in overload, trying to play out every possible scenario for us so that we can “plan ahead” or “make the best decision” or “be ready”. If you have ever had to make a speech, go to an interview, finish a project, take a test, terminate someone, go to court…anything that triggers your stress-then you know what I am talking about. Even watching the news about the conflicts and tension in our world is enough to test the most stoic of personalities. It can cause you to wake up in the middle of the night with the issue on your mind. It can lead you to that glass of wine to dull your mind. It can take you away from precious present moments with the people you care about. I know this from personal experience, and I know I am not alone.

There have been philosophers and wise men for as long as we have recorded history counseling us to “Take no thought for the morrow”, yet how do we take that wise advice and make it how we live? How can we run our companies, plan our lives, raise our kids, without thought for tomorrow? Maybe in the many translations and rewrites we have lost the original meaning of those words. What if we replace “thought” with “worry”, or “stress” as high achievers prefer to call it. Then in modern language, I would translate those words into “Have no worry (stress about) for tomorrow”. When I get caught into the vortex of worry, I am learning to catch myself. I have a process I put my imagination through that helps my poor overworked mind get some rest.

Step 1- I give my mind the permission to play out the worst thing that can happen regarding whatever issue I am currently digesting. I do this consciously, meaning I am watching it happen in my imagination, without letting it suck me in.
Step 2- I accept that this could happen, and I realize that I will still be okay.
Step 3- I bring myself back to now and work to improving my present moment. I have already accepted the terrible thing that hasn’t happened, so from here I can rest my worried mind and put to use my creativity and imagination to find better solutions to the issues I am dealing with.

When we are engaging the part of our mind that worries, that stresses, we cut off the access to the imagination. We lose the ability to concentrate, we have difficulty making decisions. It can be like walking in the fog, not knowing when the next step is off the cliff. By opening the avenue to our imagination we are able to clear that fog, to plant our feet firmly on the ground, and to step forward, one step at a time, till the sun goes down.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened. – Montaigne

harvesting problems

If you are planting carrot seeds and are expecting radishes you are going to be bummed when you pull those green tops out of the ground. One of the challenges some of our growing leaders face happens when they try to make the transition from team member into leader. They get frustrated or confused when they try to enlist people to carry out tasks and they face resistance. It is a classic indicator of the early stages of leadership. You think that because you are in charge, or even because you are simply trying to make something better, that you will have cooperation. But it doesn’t work that way. Everyone has an ego, we all operate with our emotions and with our brains, but mostly with our emotions.

The results we are experiencing today is a result of the seeds planted along the way. The only way to have a better tomorrow is to begin right now by noticing what you are harvesting. The early phases of leadership for a leader who is moving up in our organization yield the fruit of the seeds that were planted before they advanced. The good news is that the seasons of personal growth are not tied to time, but instead tied to a person’s increasing awareness of how to communicate with people. Leadership is all about relationships. You have to connect with the people you are attempting to lead, in other words attempting to influence. They have to know that you will be there for them before you ask them to be there for you. Every interaction is another seed you are planting, so be aware of the seeds you are sowing, and be patient. It is a process, but being aware is the first step to the next step of your growth.

filtering

I am reminded this morning of a somewhat crude saying, “Opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one”. If you are on the search for knowledge, or personal development, you can find an almost infinite amount of resources, books, websites, speakers, coaches…but who is right? One of the many books am reading, “Wooden on Leadership” states “Practice moderation and balance in all that you do.” I love this book, but I have found in my own life that my times of greatest growth and personal success have been when I am pushing the extremes, not practicing moderation. I don’t think I would have 4 restaurants if I practiced moderation. I wouldn’t have signed myself up for the hours and days and years of hard work and expenses that it has taken to build them to where they are today. I wouldn’t have pushed myself to learn to mountain bike, I wouldn’t have ridden 200 miles on a bike from Seattle to Portland in 2 days, I wouldn’t have run long distances when no one was chasing me, and I certainly wouldn’t be still dreaming of what else I can take on to challenge myself.

It is like everything in life, we need to filter through the information that we ingest on a daily basis and figure out what resonates with us. A friend and I were talking and he said “I have figured out that you can’t learn anything from other people, you have to learn it yourself.” This statement at first got my hackles up, because I have learned so much from other people, but then I got to thinking. It really is true, I did have to learn it “myself”. All of the things I am learning have always been there, it’s not like I have discovered something new, but I had to be at the point in my growth to really hear and apply the lessons. It’s like the parent that is always giving advice to keep their kid out of quicksand-but the kids, if they have any sort of rebellious or independent gene, will go ahead and drive fast or leave their homework for the last minute or date two girls at once. No matter how much guidance is available to us we have to be ready and open to actually get it.

That is how I pray every day.

“Please let me continue to be open to the guidance that is there for me at every moment, and thank you for all of the Blessings in my life. Thank you for another day.”

heads up

Make it a habit to look ahead. Don’t live there, but the best leaders are always looking up and around. You have to look around the corner, anticipate the next challenge or move, anything that will affect the performance of their team. The most effective leaders are always working to improve the team and mitigate problems, and this can happen only when they take the time to look forward. If you are exclusively coaching from the field, your view is limited to what is directly in your line of vision. It takes rising above, metaphorically, and taking a ride around the field and down the road to see what’s coming next.

In our business the leaders need to always be looking forward to the next week, or to the busy weekend. They need to ensure we have enough product and people to service the clients with excellence. Failure to do this will always result in a lapse when it comes to the final goal- to exceed the client expectations. I spent a lot of my career coaching from the field, I was in the ranks, my finger on the pulse, but my eyes could only see the full circle around me. It took the right message at the right time for me to begin to learn how to heads up.

I was at a business seminar a few years back, and we had to break up into small groups with people we didn’t know. In the process of sharing what I do for a living, and the challenges I was having with growing my company, one of the women had the perfect insight. She said, “It seems like you are too close to the screen, what if you imagine yourself floating up in the sky and looking down at your business. Make the circle bigger, and expand the definition of what you do.” This was exactly what I needed to hear, and helped me to redefine myself as a leader. I was not a baker, well, I was, but not only. I was also a founder, a dreamer, an inspirer, a teacher, a coach…and soon a leader.

I continuously remind myself to look up, look ahead, anticipate the curves and ruts in the road, but also keep my goal in my line of sight. This is the secret to getting from here to there.

persistence

Ben can’t walk. He’s only 10 months old, so it is to be expected.

Yet he keeps on trying. He pulls himself up and falls down and gets up again and again. He instinctively knows not to give up. He doesn’t let his many failed attempts stop him from pursuing the goal of independence.

We can learn a lot from Ben. Stop over-thinking and analyzing and speculating and worrying and waiting to be good, just get out there and do it and fail and learn and do it again.

successor

Are you developing leaders or followers? I find that many leaders are really good at developing their own leadership, but only a few are developing others into leaders. A great mentor of mine had been telling me for years that in order to get the results I was looking for, I needed to develop people. Now to the old me, this was ambiguous and confusing. I didn’t understand how to “develop” people, though I got the gist, that I needed to learn what this was, and how to do it. I knew we needed people to help us grow, the problem was that I brought anyone on the team who wanted to be on the team, and I didn’t train them, I didn’t develop them. I don’t think I was unique in my ignorance, many businesses, even successful ones, operate with the belief that all you need to do is pay someone well and give them a title and your work is done.

When I made the decision to step up and raise the bar for myself, I began to grow. As I grew, and really dug deep inside myself to identify who I needed to be, the developing began. What clarified it is that you cannot develop others unless you are first developing yourself. You cannot give what you don’t have. Its like a pitcher that needs to be filled until it is overflowing, and the overflow is what you are giving to those you are leading.

The fulfillment comes when you are not only growing yourself by expanding your vision of what you think you can do, but also sharing that new knowledge with those around you. We always operate only to the extent that we believe possible for ourselves. If you begin imagining yourself as a being of infinite potential, you begin to grow.