If you are always focusing on tomorrow peace will be just beyond your reach. This is not to say that you shouldn’t set big goals, or spend time dreaming big dreams, but if you spend too much time in the possible future you are closing off your awareness to the present moment. This has the ripple effect of influencing the quality of your relationships because you are not able to be fully present for the people you care about. Take for example listening. There are 4 levels of listening, and I work to train myself to listen at level 2 or above as much as possible.
When you are listening at level 4, you are listening with your ears, but are thinking other thoughts. You can probably repeat verbatim what was said, but you are not engaged or really hearing. Like when your kids are immersed in a video game and you tell them dinner’s ready and you know they hear you but they aren’t listening, or you are rattling off about your day to your spouse while they watch the news. “Are you listening to me??” she says. “Yes of course, you said you and Maria had lunch and you returned the stuff to the mall.” says her husband, but she is certain he was not really listening, just memorizing her words.
Level 3 listening is where many of us live. This is when you are listening, but at the same time you are formulating your reply. You are waiting for the pause to interject your reply “Oh I had that same thing happen…” or sometimes not even waiting, but instead interrupting to hijack the conversation over to you as the subject. It’s much easier to notice this happening when you are not in the conversation. I witnessed this just yesterday as my husband and daughter were talking over each other, both talking about the same thing to each other from their “I” perspective. It is much more difficult to catch yourself doing this, but with practice I am starting to hear myself when I am about to say “I”. We tend to be at this stage when instead of truly hearing the person, we are attempting to give a solution, to unintentionally compete “Well you’ve gotta hear about MY day.”
Level 2 is what I like to think of as the deep conversation listening. This is when your mind is clear and you are open, listening intently to what is being said. You are not offering solutions, but rather asking questions and becoming curious about what they are talking about.
Psychologists say that over 90% of communication is actually nonverbal. We communicate with the tone of our voice as well as our body language. If you doubt this to be true, just say “Thank you” in a sincere way, then again sarcastically. Totally different feeling is generated. When I am in a heated discussion with my husband, my tendencies are to cross my arms, while he drops his eyebrows and gets very tense. Even someone who just saw a snapshot would be able to see when we are having a conflict, versus when we are relaxed and just conversing openly.
Level 1 is level 2 plus your intuition. You are in tune to what is NOT being said, noticing body language and the underlying non verbal cues that let you know what is really going on. This is where you are totally present and actively listening to someone, and is the biggest gift you can give to people you are interacting with. As you practice being present and open, it becomes easier and easier to listen and hear what is said and most importantly what is needed, but just like anything, its a process, a moment by moment decision to be aware.