What are principles? And how does one recover from violating them? I had someone tell me they would not go back to a business “As a matter of principle”. It was a line in the sand that they drew, and as long as everyone stayed just south of the line, they were cool. You could come right up to the line, even brush against it lightly, but cross it and you are toast. As I talked to this person, lets call her Beth, it became clear to me that she had very distinct rules about what was acceptable and what was not. Her threshold was large, she gave off the impression that she was very flexible and tolerant. Easy going, nice, a real sweet lady. But she had a line nonetheless, and when someone crossed it, it was the final straw. All of the mini sacrifices she had willingly made all of a sudden became the score she had been keeping.
Nothing I could say or do would turn her around, she had made her decision, “As a matter of principle”. If she didn’t stand firm as judge and jury of her own life, then what would come of the world? At least this is what she thought. I am going to propose that when you have a line, any line, you are putting up an invisible sign that is challenging someone to cross it. You are locking your gate, with an angry dog laying low in your front yard just waiting to pounce, and signs saying “stay out our else”. This works much of the time, since most people don’t want to get bit, but what about when someone doesn’t see the signs? Or they are so invisible and well hidden in your personality that not even those closest to you know you are keeping score? You have just set yourself up for conflict. Your line in the sand will attract the threat you seek.
Principles are rules. Rules are lines. Dissect your principles and see if they are opening you up or closing you off. Flexible or rigid. Open or closed. Fear or love.
“Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.”
― Dalai Lama XIV