Denica Freitas – Page 10

harvesting problems

If you are planting carrot seeds and are expecting radishes you are going to be bummed when you pull those green tops out of the ground. One of the challenges some of our growing leaders face happens when they try to make the transition from team member into leader. They get frustrated or confused when they try to enlist people to carry out tasks and they face resistance. It is a classic indicator of the early stages of leadership. You think that because you are in charge, or even because you are simply trying to make something better, that you will have cooperation. But it doesn’t work that way. Everyone has an ego, we all operate with our emotions and with our brains, but mostly with our emotions.

The results we are experiencing today is a result of the seeds planted along the way. The only way to have a better tomorrow is to begin right now by noticing what you are harvesting. The early phases of leadership for a leader who is moving up in our organization yield the fruit of the seeds that were planted before they advanced. The good news is that the seasons of personal growth are not tied to time, but instead tied to a person’s increasing awareness of how to communicate with people. Leadership is all about relationships. You have to connect with the people you are attempting to lead, in other words attempting to influence. They have to know that you will be there for them before you ask them to be there for you. Every interaction is another seed you are planting, so be aware of the seeds you are sowing, and be patient. It is a process, but being aware is the first step to the next step of your growth.

filtering

I am reminded this morning of a somewhat crude saying, “Opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one”. If you are on the search for knowledge, or personal development, you can find an almost infinite amount of resources, books, websites, speakers, coaches…but who is right? One of the many books am reading, “Wooden on Leadership” states “Practice moderation and balance in all that you do.” I love this book, but I have found in my own life that my times of greatest growth and personal success have been when I am pushing the extremes, not practicing moderation. I don’t think I would have 4 restaurants if I practiced moderation. I wouldn’t have signed myself up for the hours and days and years of hard work and expenses that it has taken to build them to where they are today. I wouldn’t have pushed myself to learn to mountain bike, I wouldn’t have ridden 200 miles on a bike from Seattle to Portland in 2 days, I wouldn’t have run long distances when no one was chasing me, and I certainly wouldn’t be still dreaming of what else I can take on to challenge myself.

It is like everything in life, we need to filter through the information that we ingest on a daily basis and figure out what resonates with us. A friend and I were talking and he said “I have figured out that you can’t learn anything from other people, you have to learn it yourself.” This statement at first got my hackles up, because I have learned so much from other people, but then I got to thinking. It really is true, I did have to learn it “myself”. All of the things I am learning have always been there, it’s not like I have discovered something new, but I had to be at the point in my growth to really hear and apply the lessons. It’s like the parent that is always giving advice to keep their kid out of quicksand-but the kids, if they have any sort of rebellious or independent gene, will go ahead and drive fast or leave their homework for the last minute or date two girls at once. No matter how much guidance is available to us we have to be ready and open to actually get it.

That is how I pray every day.

“Please let me continue to be open to the guidance that is there for me at every moment, and thank you for all of the Blessings in my life. Thank you for another day.”

heads up

Make it a habit to look ahead. Don’t live there, but the best leaders are always looking up and around. You have to look around the corner, anticipate the next challenge or move, anything that will affect the performance of their team. The most effective leaders are always working to improve the team and mitigate problems, and this can happen only when they take the time to look forward. If you are exclusively coaching from the field, your view is limited to what is directly in your line of vision. It takes rising above, metaphorically, and taking a ride around the field and down the road to see what’s coming next.

In our business the leaders need to always be looking forward to the next week, or to the busy weekend. They need to ensure we have enough product and people to service the clients with excellence. Failure to do this will always result in a lapse when it comes to the final goal- to exceed the client expectations. I spent a lot of my career coaching from the field, I was in the ranks, my finger on the pulse, but my eyes could only see the full circle around me. It took the right message at the right time for me to begin to learn how to heads up.

I was at a business seminar a few years back, and we had to break up into small groups with people we didn’t know. In the process of sharing what I do for a living, and the challenges I was having with growing my company, one of the women had the perfect insight. She said, “It seems like you are too close to the screen, what if you imagine yourself floating up in the sky and looking down at your business. Make the circle bigger, and expand the definition of what you do.” This was exactly what I needed to hear, and helped me to redefine myself as a leader. I was not a baker, well, I was, but not only. I was also a founder, a dreamer, an inspirer, a teacher, a coach…and soon a leader.

I continuously remind myself to look up, look ahead, anticipate the curves and ruts in the road, but also keep my goal in my line of sight. This is the secret to getting from here to there.

persistence

Ben can’t walk. He’s only 10 months old, so it is to be expected.

Yet he keeps on trying. He pulls himself up and falls down and gets up again and again. He instinctively knows not to give up. He doesn’t let his many failed attempts stop him from pursuing the goal of independence.

We can learn a lot from Ben. Stop over-thinking and analyzing and speculating and worrying and waiting to be good, just get out there and do it and fail and learn and do it again.

successor

Are you developing leaders or followers? I find that many leaders are really good at developing their own leadership, but only a few are developing others into leaders. A great mentor of mine had been telling me for years that in order to get the results I was looking for, I needed to develop people. Now to the old me, this was ambiguous and confusing. I didn’t understand how to “develop” people, though I got the gist, that I needed to learn what this was, and how to do it. I knew we needed people to help us grow, the problem was that I brought anyone on the team who wanted to be on the team, and I didn’t train them, I didn’t develop them. I don’t think I was unique in my ignorance, many businesses, even successful ones, operate with the belief that all you need to do is pay someone well and give them a title and your work is done.

When I made the decision to step up and raise the bar for myself, I began to grow. As I grew, and really dug deep inside myself to identify who I needed to be, the developing began. What clarified it is that you cannot develop others unless you are first developing yourself. You cannot give what you don’t have. Its like a pitcher that needs to be filled until it is overflowing, and the overflow is what you are giving to those you are leading.

The fulfillment comes when you are not only growing yourself by expanding your vision of what you think you can do, but also sharing that new knowledge with those around you. We always operate only to the extent that we believe possible for ourselves. If you begin imagining yourself as a being of infinite potential, you begin to grow.

surround the fear with love

I don’t read the news. With the exception of the token special interest story about the cranberry bog that got rehabilitated back into a beautiful stream or love life of British royalty, the news is not what I want to feed into my brain. The headlines are all variations of the same theme “…makes it a whole lot worse.”, “clashes leave injured…”, “…body found…” All fear and the bad stuff that happens. Even the weather reports lately have been scary as our planet seems to be fighting back at us. I am conscious of the fertile ground that I have in my mind, and I focus on feeding it what I know it needs in order for me to maintain a sense of peace. If I start focusing on all the pain and fighting and conflict, it puts me in a place where I need to protect myself, hoard my stuff, lock my doors, and prepare for the worst. I don’t want to be in that place. I instead choose to look at the love that is all around me, in spite of what the news reports. I focus on doing everything I do from a place of kindness and love, and feed my mind by reading every day.

I am not saying that there is not a lot of scary stuff going on in our world, but to let myself get sucked in to the fear mindset closes off my access to the place where I can be part of the solution. I wonder if I am too small, just one person, to make a difference. But then I remind myself of the connectivity of all things, and I know that the small, moment by moment acts of kindness will have a ripple effect and help to make the world a little better. I see so much good, in spite of the news. There are so many people that are working to help shift our world, and it is happening, little by little. There will come a tipping point where the love will finally surround the fear, but only by loving, never by fighting.

4 levels of listening

If you are always focusing on tomorrow peace will be just beyond your reach. This is not to say that you shouldn’t set big goals, or spend time dreaming big dreams, but if you spend too much time in the possible future you are closing off your awareness to the present moment. This has the ripple effect of influencing the quality of your relationships because you are not able to be fully present for the people you care about. Take for example listening. There are 4 levels of listening, and I work to train myself to listen at level 2 or above as much as possible.

When you are listening at level 4, you are listening with your ears, but are thinking other thoughts. You can probably repeat verbatim what was said, but you are not engaged or really hearing. Like when your kids are immersed in a video game and you tell them dinner’s ready and you know they hear you but they aren’t listening, or you are rattling off about your day to your spouse while they watch the news. “Are you listening to me??” she says. “Yes of course, you said you and Maria had lunch and you returned the stuff to the mall.” says her husband, but she is certain he was not really listening, just memorizing her words.

Level 3 listening is where many of us live. This is when you are listening, but at the same time you are formulating your reply. You are waiting for the pause to interject your reply “Oh I had that same thing happen…” or sometimes not even waiting, but instead interrupting to hijack the conversation over to you as the subject. It’s much easier to notice this happening when you are not in the conversation. I witnessed this just yesterday as my husband and daughter were talking over each other, both talking about the same thing to each other from their “I” perspective. It is much more difficult to catch yourself doing this, but with practice I am starting to hear myself when I am about to say “I”. We tend to be at this stage when instead of truly hearing the person, we are attempting to give a solution, to unintentionally compete “Well you’ve gotta hear about MY day.”

Level 2 is what I like to think of as the deep conversation listening. This is when your mind is clear and you are open, listening intently to what is being said. You are not offering solutions, but rather asking questions and becoming curious about what they are talking about.

Psychologists say that over 90% of communication is actually nonverbal. We communicate with the tone of our voice as well as our body language. If you doubt this to be true, just say “Thank you” in a sincere way, then again sarcastically. Totally different feeling is generated. When I am in a heated discussion with my husband, my tendencies are to cross my arms, while he drops his eyebrows and gets very tense. Even someone who just saw a snapshot would be able to see when we are having a conflict, versus when we are relaxed and just conversing openly.

Level 1 is level 2 plus your intuition. You are in tune to what is NOT being said, noticing body language and the underlying non verbal cues that let you know what is really going on. This is where you are totally present and actively listening to someone, and is the biggest gift you can give to people you are interacting with. As you practice being present and open, it becomes easier and easier to listen and hear what is said and most importantly what is needed, but just like anything, its a process, a moment by moment decision to be aware.

reflection

Pray, read, write, dream, reflect. As a part of my daily intentional activities I reflect. What does that look like? Yesterday it looked like me sitting in my quiet place (the low sofa in our never used “front room”) with noise cancelling headphones on, listening to music softly in the background. I closed my eyes and went back in my mind over the past 24 hours, event by event. What stood out the most was the impromptu meal our 3 boys joined us in around the kitchen counter. When they were younger we would always have family dinner at the table, everyone in their designated spots, but somehow as they have matured, gotten jobs and other priorities, the family dinner has gone away. So this was a rare and precious treat. Everyone was in great spirits as we stood around the kitchen counter enjoying our meal while connecting about our day. The boys were involved in their own little side conversation about what I can only speculate was the latest news about a game they had been waiting for. I locked eyes with James for a moment and gave a little prayer of thanks for this magic moment in our lives.

I am sometimes guilty of taking for granted the beautiful gifts and moments like this that happen every day in my life. I can remember vividly the feeling that I would never ever be able to go out to lunch with my husband. When we had one location and were cogs in the wheel there was no way we could have both stepped away for a lunch date, and it was always with a little envy that I would notice other people doing this in my restaurant. But just 2 days ago I was able to not only go to lunch with my love, but also go on a bike ride and get my booty kicked on a super steep hill. These moments are the stuff our lives are made of, and the process of reflection for me has taken off the blinders and shown me again and again how much good there is in life.

As an achiever I often struggle with wanting BIG and MORE and HARDER, but thankfully I am learning to listen to the softer voice inside that reminds me that everything I desire is here right now, and to know that anything I strive for is in search of a feeling. In search of contentment- and that contentment comes when we appreciate and notice what is right in front of us…another key to happiness.

skunks on the trail

Is it a warning to slow down, you are in his territory? Is it a bigger message to watch out for land mines that could be around the corner? Or is it just chance and you happened to coincide today? It sounds silly to try to attach a meaning to something as random as seeing a skunk on the trail, but we do silly things like this all day long. We have all sorts of “if-then” scenarios that run our lives and determine our sense of well being. “If she’s rude to me she’s a **itchy person”, “If he loves me he would know I need this right now”, “If she cared about me she would call me”, “If they overcharge me they are trying to rip me off” All of our if-thens are based on our own perception and rules, and the meaning we attach to these random things can make or break our day.

What rules do you have in place that are preventing you from being happy right now? Let go of attaching crazy meanings to mundane things. You cannot possibly get in anyone’s head to know what they are going through at any given moment when you are choosing to judge them. The erratic driver may be in a hurry to get to their hurt child, the rude woman in line at the store may be in physical pain, the overcharge may be attributed to *gasp* human error. We are perfect yet imperfect beings. Relax a little, let your guards down, and don’t forget to breathe.

learning to lead

The most important job I have here in this life is to guide the beings that have been entrusted to me to care for, my children, into a life of infinite possibilities. I have raised 4 of these unique individuals, and had some influence in the growth of the 5th, and one thing biggest thing I have learned from them is that everyone is unique. For some insane reason I thought that if I was their mom, they had my DNA, and I loved them all the same, they would all act the same. Reading that last sentence back to myself sounds definitely…if not insane, then naive, yet it boggled my mind again and again as I learned the nuances of each one’s preferred methods of connection and nuances of personality.

Though their methods of meeting them vary, they all share the same basic human needs. Things like we all want to be noticed and loved, we want to know we are appreciated and that we matter. We all want the certainty that we will be safe, yet we also crave variety. We are happiest when we are growing, though there is a time to just relax and reflect. And most of all, we want connection. We may have differing degrees of desire for connection. I for one love my down time, where I can just be alone with my thoughts or music or my writing, and 2 of my kids are very much like me in that. The other 3 seem to be the opposite, and seem to thrive on more interaction.

The lessons I am learning as I navigate being a parent of 5 have given me tools to be able to be a better leader for the people that work with me in our organizations. I have had to learn to communicate differently with each one, and to trust my intuition when it is sending me a message of what “need” is speaking to me. I have had to learn to be present and to read the body language to understand the fears that can control our lives. I have had to learn to express appreciation more and disapproval rarely. I have had to learn to hold myself to a higher standard as I realize how many people are looking to me for leadership and guidance. I have had to learn to lead.

“While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about.” — Angela Schwindt