Author: Denica Freitas

foundations

It is tempting to look at the finished product and to wish or wonder or envy, but what is never apparent at first glance is the sacrifice, the hours, the foundation that it took to get there. There is no such thing as an overnight success. I know that I had a great advantage because I was blessed with the parents that I have. They are the classic American dream. My mom is an immigrant who arrived in the US bright eyed, curious, and scared when she was just 19. Her education in Spain had tapered off when she was 12 when she had to go to work. When her Papa’s second cousin, who was wealthy by marriage, visited them and took pity on their humble family, she was presented with an opportunity to change the course of her life. This was a huge jump for her. She would have to leave the only life she ever knew, leave her 5 siblings, mom and dad, and fly halfway around the world to a distant place called California with someone she barely knew. Added to that was the fact that the extent of her knowledge of English was “Ok” and “Thank you”. I still remember visiting my grandparents when I was very young. They still lived in the “barraca”, (a Catalan word which translates loosely into “barrack” or mud hut) where my mother lived with her family until she took that step into uncertainty. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to see where her life began, it is a reminder to me of the amazing freedom we have to create our lives.

My dad is a first generation eldest son of immigrants, and was brought up “the old fashioned way”. The way where his dad was the king, and ruled the family with a tight rein. His parents clung tightly to the traditions and beliefs they had brought with them from Spain, and believed in hard work, extreme loyalty to family, and keeping the clan together. My grandparents were my earliest models for entrepreneurship. They owned a motel and a poultry business where my dad spent his youth working and contributing to help support the family. His fascination with radio controlled airplanes and electronics led him down a different path than his parents had travelled, yet the ethics and foundation they had laid for him of loyalty and hard work were the basis for his success in the businesses he builds.

They have been blessed, as I am, to have been born at this time in history, and to be living in a country where we have the freedom to build our lives into whatever we can imagine. It can be tempting to look at the success that others have achieved, broadcasted so persistently on social media. But what is not shown in those snippets of life is the work it took to get there. The sacrifices that were made by my parents, and their parents before them, are all layers and layers below the surface that have ingrained in me the desire to do more. No matter what hardships we face, the disadvantages, the failures, the challenges, we can achieve whatever we dream. The secret is that it takes time, the foundation of the house of your dreams must be laid, brick by brick. Don’t underestimate what you can accomplish in a decade. 10 years sounds like a long time into the future, yet when you reflect back and see the way the world has changed in just those 120 months, it is a testament to our constant evolution. Ride the wave of constant change, set big goals, be patient, and say thank you.

change the channel

Imagine a room. This room has a comfy chair in the center, the kind with a floral print or soft velvety fabric that your grandma may have had. It’s cushy and broken in with down stuffed pillows and rocks a little, and sits in the middle of the room. In the far corner of the room is a TV. This is not a flatscreen, plasma, HD, modern style TV. It’s an old one. The kind of TV you see in old movies, that sits on a stand and looks like a box. It has a dial to change the channels, and maybe even some antennas sticking up from the top. It is beige and a bit dusty, but the picture is still clear and the sound surrounds you.

The room is your mind, and you are sitting in the comfy chair, watching the TV. And you think this is your life. The TV show may be all about stress and all of the things you have to do, how much further along everyone else is than you, all of the stuff you don’t have and never will, and every rejection and failure you ever experienced. Every once in a while a commercial comes on and you are granted a reprieve from the day to day, you see flashes of hope, mini vacations from your current reality.

What I am going to suggest is that you pull yourself out of that comfy chair, and change the channel. If you don’t like what you are seeing, change it. Get up and turn the dial and look for the good. Look for the opportunities, for the kindness, for the abundance. There are multiple channels broadcasting simultaneously, and the shows are hypnotic. So hypnotic that we get sucked into them and believe them to be the only reality we can see. It can be hard to grasp the idea that you can change the channel, that you can take control and shift your focus, but once you realize that not only is it possible, but also necessary to your well being, you can begin to be freed from the tyranny of being controlled by your surroundings.

I use the imagery of changing the channel as a tangible method to shifting my focus. I know that if I am feeling down, or overwhelmed, or out of time, sad, stressed, angry…The channel I am watching will continue showing more of the same. I take a deep breath, pull myself out of that chair, (though sometimes it wants to pull me back down) and change the channel. I change it first to gratitude. I begin saying thank you for the variations that life brings my way, because it shows me how blessed I am. Thank you for the many demands on my time, because it teaches me to focus on the important things. Thank you for the challenges, because they help me to grow.

I am not going to say that it is easy, but with practice it does get easier. It gets easier to catch yourself and remember to change the channel, though sometimes I need a nudge. The best part is that I know there is so much more than the small TV in the corner of my mind. I stand up from the chair, and I look around my mind, and I see a door. I have tried at times to open it, pushing against it, trying to force it to open, but it resists. The more I push the more shut it is. So I let go. I stopped searching for the key, pushing for the answer, asking everyone else what to do. I stood back, arms at my side, and let go. What happens next is that the door begins to open. As light begins to shine into the room, I can see a small plaque next to the door that says “door opens in”.

From here begins the journey into consciously getting to know myself by looking in and letting go.

smile

You may never know the impact of a smile, a kind word, a “No, you go first!”. Many people are going through their day in a daze of thoughts and worries, virtually sleeping awake. When you are fully awake and aware of your body in space at this moment, it is not unlike putting on your glasses when you didn’t even realize your vision was blurred. Take a moment and try it, especially when you are in a public place. You will see people in their heads, you will see blank eyes, you will see others talking and interacting, and you will make eye contact with someone who is also awake. Smile and appreciate that fleeting connection, the recognition of another soul momentarily brought into the present moment.

I think we are so used to the hum in our heads, the constant commentary that is going on, “I am thirsty, man I need to get a manicure, I wonder if it’s going to rain today, is he going to get to work on time? What am I going to make for dinner, shoot I hate going to the grocery store. I need to stop eating crap late at night. Those bananas are overripe I should make banana bread.” If you think you don’t have all of that an more going through your head at any given moment just pause and listen. That voice that says “I don’t hear anything” is the voice I am talking about. It is so familiar to us, it has been in there talking our whole lives, so we don’t even notice it, until we do. That voice can be silenced for a time, but it can also be retrained. It takes practice, and noticing it, and quieting it when you can so that you can smile and connect with another human being. This is when souls talk to each other, through silence and a smile.

obscurity

From a very young age we are taught that the more attention we received, especially for being a “good boy” or “good girl”, the more we were praised and accepted by those that mattered to us. We will even choose “bad” behaviors to get attention, as any parent (or pet owner!) knows. The better we did at fitting in, excelling at school and earning the gold star, being the best player on the team, earning the trophy, the more status we received. This began the pattern of searching for acknowledgment from the outside world, through comparing ourselves to how we rate with others.

The yearning to be famous is evidenced all over social media, as we broadcast the snippets of our perfect moments, creating the illusion of a glamorous life. These fragments of captured realities are a double edge sword, showing the rest of the world what is possible at the same time as it says “I have this and you don’t”. There is nothing wrong with wanting more than you have, this is how we reach goals we set. The awareness that has to happen, however, to truly appreciate what you attain, is that you already have everything you need right now. If you are constantly seeking, approval, fame, more, love, money, peace, they will always stay just out of your reach. The only way to truly have any of the things you seek is to see them in your life right now.

From the Tao de Ching
“Fish cannot leave deep waters” – for when they rise to the surface to see the world, the net swoops down and catches them. Practice living under the radar, stop measuring yourself against others, abstain from drawing attention to yourself, allow others to shine

mountain climbing over molehills

Years ago my husband and I had a habit of asking each other “stupid questions” when we were working together. Questions like, “Are these cookies done?”, or “Do you think I should schedule another person?”. It became a running inside joke for us, and is still a reminder that we the tendency is to look up for the answer. Its a harmless habit unless you are leading people. At some point you need to train someone to answer the questions that come to you if you want to grow. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I used to have my team trained to come to me with every problem that came up. It was easier I thought to just answer the questions and fix the issues than to take the one extra step to empower and teach.

What ensued was the slowly moving avalanche of stress and overwhelm for me. Through my weak leadership I had trained my team to come to me for everything, and came to me they did. The problem was that most if not all of the issues were normal problems, part of doing business, yet because I had not empowered the team, they became mountains rather than molehills. Instead of fixing the issues at the base level when they were happening, they had to move through the chain and in the process they either grew or got lost, causing even larger problems. The guest who was unhappy with their meal had to wait for them to find me and tell me and then wait again for me to talk to them and the issue to be fixed. The oven that was not heating to temperature, so was not getting used, so the baker was taking double time to do his job, resulting in overtime and not enough product to sell, had to wait until someone had time to tell me. All of the little daily problems that came to me, as well as the bigger ones that needed to come to me, had turned my job into “firefighter”. I don’t want to fight fires, though if needed I do. Instead I teach my team to nip it in the bud, to douse the issues when they are little, to look for the solution instead of the problems, and to see problems for what they are, a part of life.

price tag

It is so easy to teach what I know, to see the solutions for other people. What is hard is living what I know, the self discipline to keep going, keep growing, keep climbing. It can be hard to keep climbing, to keep going uphill when our habits want us to coast. McDonald’s tells us “You deserve a break today.”, Mercedes Benz says “You owe it to yourself.” But the reality is that 4 days of climbing can backslide with just one day of coasting. It’s like an icy slope, it’s faster downhill. If you have ever tried to lose weight you can see this in action immediately as your weight will bounce up after you cheat. It takes self discipline and another 3 days at least if you are lucky to get back to where you were before the slip.

The internet and the bookstores are overflowing with tricks and tips and seminars and step by step methods to getting the life you want. There are 7 habits, 12 steps, 3 ways…to being more effective, to losing weight, to achieving your goals, to being a better parent. So the issue is not that we don’t have the knowledge of how to get where we want, the issue is that we lack the discipline to maintain the daily habits that get us to our goal. As I write about leadership, as I talk about it, teach it and make it my intent to live it, I have to remember that the price tag for living the life of my dreams is self discipline. It requires me to maintain my footing when I am tempted to coast. This is not to say that I don’t pause to celebrate, just that I keep my eye on the prize. I know that no matter how much I “know”, there is more that I am still learning. My path is lined with lessons that I learn daily through my habits; read, write, pray, reflect and dream.

prove them right or prove them wrong

Which one are you? Does it depend on who you are trying to prove it to? I wanted to prove to my landlord at our first location that they were right to believe in us. I wanted to prove to my family that the money and time and help they gave us along the way was worth it. But I also wanted to prove them wrong, (“them” left unnamed), who thought we would fail. They ones who doubted, who thought it was too much work, too hard, that failure was inevitable. That it would never work, that bet against us. Ultimately proving yourself is all about external stuff, and if that is what it takes to get you moving forward, that’s okay. Until you realize that no matter how much you achieve or succeed or learn, there will be an ever growing ratio of people to prove right and people to prove wrong. Hit the light switch. Look at what you are doing, which is looking outside for the pat on the back, the “good job”, the “I knew they could do it”. Raise you hand above your head, bend your elbow, and give yourself the pat that you have been striving for. Feels good.

deadlines

A goal without a deadline is like trying to capture a cloud- elusive and ever changing, sometimes disappearing. If you have no timeline it is far too easy to slip into complacency. It’s scary to say by when, but it’s the way to get to the goal. Know that obstacles will arise, and often the timeline will be blown, but without a destination we wander, distraction is a rampant virus.

intelligence vs. awareness

I am a reasonably intelligent person, but by no means more so than average. My formal education has consisted of 12 years of school, with an attempt and fail at college. In spite of my ambivalence towards “school”, I love to learn. It took me a very long time to realize this, and to embrace the fact that although I didn’t follow the path that was preached as the way to success, college, grad school, career, I am living the life of my dreams.

There is nothing wrong with wanting more for your kids than you had, and this was the driving reason my parents had for working 7 days a week in the businesses they founded and operated to give us the opportunities that they did not have. They struggled and worked countless hours, days, years, in order to send us to private school, pay for piano lessons and any other extracurricular activities that we desired. Looking back I know that they sacrificed their own pleasures to make sure we never lacked. I know that I am incredibly blessed, not just because of the childhood that I had, but because of the example that they set for me. Once I got over the self inflicted regret over not following the path they had laid out for me of higher education, I was able to clearly see that I have learned the most valuable lessons from them as my teachers.

I have learned that hard work, consistency, kindness and gratitude are the secrets to a life of fulfillment, at least for me. I always give my all, this leaves no room for regret. I have learned to be real, to be honest always, and to not fear rejection. I strive to always be kind. Most of all, I have learned the secret of gratitude. So although I am not extra intelligent, I am becoming self aware. I am a constant student of my own nature, and as I continue to understand myself and my motivations, it gives me greater perspective on how to live my life. Awareness gives me the insight to see that I always have a choice, whether to react or to respond. To pause, look inside, and respond whenever I catch an erupting reaction, and to use the insights about myself to better understand the people I meet. Self awareness has the added side effect of turning on a part of your brain that helps you also become more aware of others and their needs, struggles, and desires.

Learning this about myself has taught me how much of an impact I am having on my own kids. I see them and I am grateful, proud. They are exemplifying the qualities that I see in my own parents, hard work, consistency, kindness, and gratitude. I practice love and acceptance with them, and work to release them from any expectations I may subconsciously project on them. I know that they alone are the determiners of their own personal path to a life of fulfillment, and for this awareness I am Blessed with a capital “B”.

check your ego

I have no doubt that my “success” in business is due to my ability to get my ego out of the way and to acknowledge when I need to lead, and when I need to follow. I am not talking about the ego in the Sigmund Freud sense of the word, where he defines it as the mediator between the other extremes of our personality, but instead the ego as the need to be right. The ego is apparent when we begin our sentences with “I want”, or “I need”. It shows up when you say “my” or “mine”. It is so glaringly obvious with toddlers, when you see them fighting over toys, but we carry that into adulthood too. We fight over lanes on the freeway, getting mad when someone is driving too slow. We fight over principles, divorcing friends or family (or the NFL!) for violations of our rules. We fight over boundaries, spending lives and resources to “protect” where we live.

Getting the ego out of the way means that you need to make a shift in the way you think, and at first it will take a conscious decision, a shift in focus, to remind yourself who to be. To help myself I mentally take off my “owner” or “manager” or “boss” hat, put it on the chair, and put on one of the other hats that are on my invisible hat rack. Hats like “listener”, “coach”, “mentor”, or “mom”. It means lowering your fences, opening and softening your heart, and putting yourself in a place where you are able to really hear what someone is saying, and sensing what gets left unsaid. It means believing that you are not better than or more deserving than anyone else. It means understanding that we all have a basic human need to be appreciated, we all want to know that we are here for a reason, and that we matter. This is what true leadership is, connecting with others at a deeper level, and remembering to check your ego at the door.