Author: Denica Freitas

give up to go up

When you truly understand leadership you realize that you have given up the right to wake up and think its about you. When you achieve a position, you may at first think it is, wondering about the perks, your time off, the parking space, what you are going to get. But in order to mature as a leader, to move from managing to leadership, you have to come to the realization that leadership is not about you. Its about helping the people who are looking up to you for guidance.

That being said, it does have to start with you. In order for me to get to this understanding, I had to first work on myself. I had to give up the notion that just because I was the boss, I knew best. I had to learn about myself, what motivates me, what triggers me, and how to be more open as a human being. I had to stop being a people pleaser, and instead change that into being a value adder. I had to learn that we all have basic human needs, and it all drills down to wanting to be loved. Learning about myself and how my subconscious works, operating just under the surface but controlling everything I do, has helped me to understand this about others as well. I am a servant leader. I am here to support and guide the people that are looking to me, to sometimes step in and take the reins when they need it, and to know when to let go. It is a constant dance, with mostly minor adjustments to stay the course, and less and less of the bigger interventions as the team grows and matures in their leadership abilities.

Leadership is a constant process, without a destination other than to be always learning and growing, serving and guiding.

people who can or people who care

Sometimes you have to make the trade. Don’t hang on to people who can but don’t care. Make the jump and find people who care but can’t yet, and start investing in them. It takes patience and consistency and follow up and training, but if they care your job is half done. It is much easier to train someone who cares than to train someone to care.

1, 2, 3, many

When you have a lot on your plate it is easy to fall into overwhelm, to feel like you are never going to complete the tasks or projects that you have to do. By default we tend to focus on where the most urgency is, or even the easiest yet less effective issues first. You feel the emotions that we call stress, the feeling of increased agitation and that there are not enough minutes in the day. That if you take a day off or do something for yourself you are losing ground. When you fall into bed and think back you may have just shaved a small layer off the surface of the many many things that you had to do. This is a symptom of living in the place of urgency.

The good news is that there is a way out. Our minds operate in a 1, 2, 3, many way. Meaning that once we go over three, it falls into too many. The way I manage my to-do’s as well as the way I communicate when I am training people is to remember 1, 2, 3, many. It takes a little focus on the front end to pick the three things that will have the most impact, but the result is that you will be able to cross things off your list sooner. When we are building a new restaurant there are hundreds of things that need to be done, permits, demo, construction, painting, purchasing of equipment, hiring, plumbing…the list seems endless. Even without having a restaurant build on the books it would be so easy to fall into old habits if I didn’t remember 123.

Write down all of your pendings. Brainstorm, leave nothing out. Then pick 3. Or less, but no more than 3, and this is your mission: Laser focus on doing what will get you to the point of crossing them off your list. It could mean that you need to enlist someone else to take it over, or it could mean that you do one or two things that get closer to the goal, or it could even mean finishing it! As you look at your list, you may find that you can consolidate them, lose 10 lbs and exercise, for example, can be consolidated into “Take care of my body”. What this process taught me is to realize that so much of the “stress” that I would feel was because I thought I had so many things that only I could do that were crying out for completion. By narrowing my focus, and working with blinders on to the inevitable distractions that come my way, I am able to take my black sharpie and cross off my list every day.

aTtitude and aPtitude

One letter, big difference. The best case is when you find someone with a great attitude and the aptitude to get the job done. But in the process of searching, recruiting, and developing these momentum makers we are faced with the others. A leader has to look ahead, and although a leader operates under the premise that everyone has unlimited potential, people can only grow to the level that they are willing or able to at this stage in their lives. No matter how hard I try, I cannot be a professional basketball player. I may have the desire and the dedication to learn to play, however as a 50 year old woman, 5’6″ tall, the chances of the NBA even talking to me is slim to none. We are faced with many different types of people, and knowing when to shift our focus of training, to move them to another position, or to transition them out of the organization has been one of the most difficult jobs to delegate.

People who can but have a bad attitude- they often stay too long in a position or organization, especially if they are competent in their skill set. Their performance can hide a bad attitude up to a point, when inevitably it will show up. It can show up with their peers through gossiping, passive aggressive behaviors, tardiness. This person ultimately sabotages the team and needs to be coached or moved to another position or even out of the organization if they are unwilling or unable to change.

People who want to but can’t – they somehow just don’t have the ability to do the job. These are the more difficult ones for an empathetic leader to address. They have heart, they have desire, but for whatever reason, cannot deliver to the level required for the position. It can be hard for a leader to decide that this person is maxed, especially if you have created a relationship and invested training and time. In my organization this decision usually falls on me, and it is usually fuzzy until it becomes clear. It requires me to listen to what is being said, or even more to what is left unsaid, and hearing when someone is telling me with their performance that they cannot do the job. Can they add value in other ways? Absolutely, and with a great attitude we will make it a priority to find a position that fits for them.

My focus is on helping my leadership team understand when and how to identify when someone needs to move. Move shifts, move positions, move locations, move organizations. It begins with looking at the big picture. What is the big picture? For us it is the energy of the team, their ability to work together with momentum towards the ultimate outcome of delighting and brightening the day of the people we interact with. We have many players on the team, and each one plays an integral part of achieving the end result. Understanding that one affects all is the beginning of the process to creating and growing a high performing team, and ultimately creating leaders.

apples

If you leave a bad apple in a bucket of good apples, you will end up with a barrel of bad apples. The absolute importance of identifying any bad apples in your organization is so vital. It can be hard sometimes to label someone as a bad apple, because our interpretation is so subjective. We tend to doubt our intuition, especially if we are working from the belief that people are innately good. The “all powerful” ego won’t miss the opportunity to chime in and tell you that you can change them. I am not saying to throw the apple out without putting effort into training and developing this person, because if they are on your team you really have no other option if you want to grow as a leader. You have to give your best to those you are leading, there is no negotiating on this one.

The bad apple I am talking about is the one who despite your best efforts is not willing or ready to look at things differently. They often times hide out as top performers. They wouldn’t be in your organization or on your team this long unless you are blind(unaware), desperate, or they are really filling a position that you are not ready or willing to replace. I have personally been guilty of all of these things.

I have hired out of desperation, so overwhelmed that I would make impulsive hiring decisions without the necessary step of ensuring they were a fit for our culture and shared our values of service, growth and love.

I have kept people longer than I should because I had not taken the time and energy to develop the people in our organization who were out performing the bad apple but needed more coaching in other areas.

I have unconsciously turned a blind eye to toxic people, the ones who are so sweet and kind when you are around, but once you turn your back they are spreading rumors, sabotaging their team mates, and basically poisoning the culture.

It can be hard work to be present and aware. It takes conscious efforts to see from above, to look with your heart and see who is truly the best fit is for your team.

stop

Are you making excuses? Stop.
Is it too hard? Good.
You think it’s too late? Stop lying to yourself.
You don’t have time? Raise your bar and wake up earlier.
You will do it later? Tomorrow is never promised.

I have an image of a couple in my memory from a long ago visit to Maui, they were easily over 70, yet jogging and super fit running along Kaanapali Beach. Even 20+ years younger than them and I would not be able to jog with confidence along the beach, however this is the image I hold in my vision. Along with that of Madonna Buder, the “Iron Nun” who still completes Iron Man competitions at age 86, and countless other fit, active people who are breaking the mold as far as what it means to age.

This is not only about exercising, but also about anything that you are not satisfied with in your life. Anything you want to do, to dream, to learn- this is our one life, as far as we know or can remember. Use your time wisely.

comparisons

If you are comparing yourself to someone else, you will always fall short. Its a no win game if you are trying to be better than someone else. It can be a tough thing to unlearn. In school we are rewarded for being at the “top of the class” and I have always been super competitive. As I was coaching a leader one of the things this talented person was concerned with is not being able to perform as well as someone else in their organization. Even though they had proven themselves on multiple occasions to their employer through delivery of exceptional results, and were operating a a high level leadership, the deep insecurities we all share were erupting to the surface.

I believe that at a deep level, we share a fear that they are not good enough. Despite external markers of success, even the most confident people you know are often hiding from that old secret. It is a belief that many of us inadvertently picked up at some point in our youth. It could have been your well intending parents who praised your sibling for things you could not do, a rejection from an early crush or relationship, being picked last during PE time and time again, a teacher who labeled you as unmotivated, a not too kind stepparent that told you that you would never amount to anything, even loving parents who just wanted you to “be somebody”. There are as many causes as there are people, and I can assure you that the volume of the population that are trying to prove those people wrong is exceeded only by the number that are stuck still living those old stories.

What has to happen to be free of the insane belief that you are not good enough is to realize that you picked that up at a time when you were vulnerable, and that they are not a reflection of you. Instead, they are projections of other people’s own insecurities, and you don’t have to carry that torch. The way to be free from comparing yourself to others is to know that you are valuable in and of yourself. You are a unique individual like no one else on this planet, and if you are still alive it is because your work is not done. You have a purpose and a mission, even if you don’t see what it is yet. So stand up tall and give yourself the hug or pat on the back you need, and work to always be the best you that you can be. You will make mistakes, that’s ok. We are all human beings, and as such are perfect yet imperfect, and life is about making mistakes, learning and moving forward again.

“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.”
― Marcus Aurelius

a parable

Although we love certainty, and work to make our lives operate in such a way that we know what to expect next, we also conversely crave uncertainty. Another word for it is variety.

There was a gambler who died, and as he approached the pearly gates, he was amazed and ecstatic that he had made it to heaven! He was so delighted to see that heaven was as if it had been created just for him! There were roulette tables, blackjack, slot machines, showgirls…a real Monte Carlo. As he stepped up to place his bets he found his pockets full of cash. He placed a bet, and won. Another, and jackpot. Again and again he bet, and won. After some time had passed he began to feel not just bored, but really unhappy and dissatisfied. All the winning was great, but something felt off. He went up to St. Peter, “Hey Pete, I don’t know about this, I think I am over heaven. I want to go to hell instead.” St. Peter replied, “Sir, I am sorry to tell you, but this is hell.”

The ups and downs, the wins and losses, are the juice of life. Without failure we would not learn, without the night there would be no day. Remember the parable of the gambler as you work so diligently to make your world comfy and certain. I have a love and appreciation for my losses and the darker moments, because they help me see how blessed I truly am.

it’s worth it

What would someone have to believe about a product to wait in line for it? I was in Las Vegas for an event, and found myself with some free time. It may or may not surprise you that I love food. Whenever I travel to a new city, or even one I have been before, one of the priorities is that I search out the best food in the area. I peruse the online review platforms, yelp, tripadvisor, google, I talk to the locals. I make mental lists of places to check out, food to try, menus to read. One place in particular drew me in with their name, a slightly off color, but appropriate for Sin City moniker. I went over to see what it was all about, and found a line of people wrapped around the entrance. I am a hard sell, so looking at the line was not enough to convince me to fall in. But it was interesting to think that most of these people waiting in line had not been to this place before (tourists). Most of them are impatient and don’t like to wait in line (human nature). Most of them consider themselves to be foodies and had sought this place out for it’s unique name and something that would please their jaded palate. As I watch, some decide to abandon their place in line and move one. So what do the ones who wait have to believe to stand in line for over 45 minutes to try it out? They believe it is worth it.

Whether the belief came from the reviews, word of mouth, or their own personal experience, the belief is there. As you dream big, it it may take a long time, you will have to practice patience, you will have to go places you have never been. You will be tempted to second guess yourself and give up. Unless you hold steady to the belief, “It is worth it.”

the professionals

They make it look so easy, as they glide along the dance floor, appearing to float. It reminds me of watching the cooks on the line during a busy shift, there is an energy, a flow, that is beyond thought. They have so perfected their art through hours and hours of training and practice and doing, that the motions become ingrained in their bodies. Unlike me, who needs to count on the dance floor, they are operating on instinct. It is like any skill or talent you choose to master, you have to lay the bricks, the foundation, the practice that is the mortar and glue to make what you are learning stick. Everyone starts not knowing how, its where you choose to go from there that determines your destination. It’s okay to not be good at the beginning. It’s okay to suck at writing, or dancing, cooking, or tennis. Just try it. It’s never too early, it’s never too late. You never know what will touch your soul and change the course of your life.

“The doer alone learneth.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche