Category: leadership

check your ego

I have no doubt that my “success” in business is due to my ability to get my ego out of the way and to acknowledge when I need to lead, and when I need to follow. I am not talking about the ego in the Sigmund Freud sense of the word, where he defines it as the mediator between the other extremes of our personality, but instead the ego as the need to be right. The ego is apparent when we begin our sentences with “I want”, or “I need”. It shows up when you say “my” or “mine”. It is so glaringly obvious with toddlers, when you see them fighting over toys, but we carry that into adulthood too. We fight over lanes on the freeway, getting mad when someone is driving too slow. We fight over principles, divorcing friends or family (or the NFL!) for violations of our rules. We fight over boundaries, spending lives and resources to “protect” where we live.

Getting the ego out of the way means that you need to make a shift in the way you think, and at first it will take a conscious decision, a shift in focus, to remind yourself who to be. To help myself I mentally take off my “owner” or “manager” or “boss” hat, put it on the chair, and put on one of the other hats that are on my invisible hat rack. Hats like “listener”, “coach”, “mentor”, or “mom”. It means lowering your fences, opening and softening your heart, and putting yourself in a place where you are able to really hear what someone is saying, and sensing what gets left unsaid. It means believing that you are not better than or more deserving than anyone else. It means understanding that we all have a basic human need to be appreciated, we all want to know that we are here for a reason, and that we matter. This is what true leadership is, connecting with others at a deeper level, and remembering to check your ego at the door.

give up to go up

When you truly understand leadership you realize that you have given up the right to wake up and think its about you. When you achieve a position, you may at first think it is, wondering about the perks, your time off, the parking space, what you are going to get. But in order to mature as a leader, to move from managing to leadership, you have to come to the realization that leadership is not about you. Its about helping the people who are looking up to you for guidance.

That being said, it does have to start with you. In order for me to get to this understanding, I had to first work on myself. I had to give up the notion that just because I was the boss, I knew best. I had to learn about myself, what motivates me, what triggers me, and how to be more open as a human being. I had to stop being a people pleaser, and instead change that into being a value adder. I had to learn that we all have basic human needs, and it all drills down to wanting to be loved. Learning about myself and how my subconscious works, operating just under the surface but controlling everything I do, has helped me to understand this about others as well. I am a servant leader. I am here to support and guide the people that are looking to me, to sometimes step in and take the reins when they need it, and to know when to let go. It is a constant dance, with mostly minor adjustments to stay the course, and less and less of the bigger interventions as the team grows and matures in their leadership abilities.

Leadership is a constant process, without a destination other than to be always learning and growing, serving and guiding.

people who can or people who care

Sometimes you have to make the trade. Don’t hang on to people who can but don’t care. Make the jump and find people who care but can’t yet, and start investing in them. It takes patience and consistency and follow up and training, but if they care your job is half done. It is much easier to train someone who cares than to train someone to care.

1, 2, 3, many

When you have a lot on your plate it is easy to fall into overwhelm, to feel like you are never going to complete the tasks or projects that you have to do. By default we tend to focus on where the most urgency is, or even the easiest yet less effective issues first. You feel the emotions that we call stress, the feeling of increased agitation and that there are not enough minutes in the day. That if you take a day off or do something for yourself you are losing ground. When you fall into bed and think back you may have just shaved a small layer off the surface of the many many things that you had to do. This is a symptom of living in the place of urgency.

The good news is that there is a way out. Our minds operate in a 1, 2, 3, many way. Meaning that once we go over three, it falls into too many. The way I manage my to-do’s as well as the way I communicate when I am training people is to remember 1, 2, 3, many. It takes a little focus on the front end to pick the three things that will have the most impact, but the result is that you will be able to cross things off your list sooner. When we are building a new restaurant there are hundreds of things that need to be done, permits, demo, construction, painting, purchasing of equipment, hiring, plumbing…the list seems endless. Even without having a restaurant build on the books it would be so easy to fall into old habits if I didn’t remember 123.

Write down all of your pendings. Brainstorm, leave nothing out. Then pick 3. Or less, but no more than 3, and this is your mission: Laser focus on doing what will get you to the point of crossing them off your list. It could mean that you need to enlist someone else to take it over, or it could mean that you do one or two things that get closer to the goal, or it could even mean finishing it! As you look at your list, you may find that you can consolidate them, lose 10 lbs and exercise, for example, can be consolidated into “Take care of my body”. What this process taught me is to realize that so much of the “stress” that I would feel was because I thought I had so many things that only I could do that were crying out for completion. By narrowing my focus, and working with blinders on to the inevitable distractions that come my way, I am able to take my black sharpie and cross off my list every day.

aTtitude and aPtitude

One letter, big difference. The best case is when you find someone with a great attitude and the aptitude to get the job done. But in the process of searching, recruiting, and developing these momentum makers we are faced with the others. A leader has to look ahead, and although a leader operates under the premise that everyone has unlimited potential, people can only grow to the level that they are willing or able to at this stage in their lives. No matter how hard I try, I cannot be a professional basketball player. I may have the desire and the dedication to learn to play, however as a 50 year old woman, 5’6″ tall, the chances of the NBA even talking to me is slim to none. We are faced with many different types of people, and knowing when to shift our focus of training, to move them to another position, or to transition them out of the organization has been one of the most difficult jobs to delegate.

People who can but have a bad attitude- they often stay too long in a position or organization, especially if they are competent in their skill set. Their performance can hide a bad attitude up to a point, when inevitably it will show up. It can show up with their peers through gossiping, passive aggressive behaviors, tardiness. This person ultimately sabotages the team and needs to be coached or moved to another position or even out of the organization if they are unwilling or unable to change.

People who want to but can’t – they somehow just don’t have the ability to do the job. These are the more difficult ones for an empathetic leader to address. They have heart, they have desire, but for whatever reason, cannot deliver to the level required for the position. It can be hard for a leader to decide that this person is maxed, especially if you have created a relationship and invested training and time. In my organization this decision usually falls on me, and it is usually fuzzy until it becomes clear. It requires me to listen to what is being said, or even more to what is left unsaid, and hearing when someone is telling me with their performance that they cannot do the job. Can they add value in other ways? Absolutely, and with a great attitude we will make it a priority to find a position that fits for them.

My focus is on helping my leadership team understand when and how to identify when someone needs to move. Move shifts, move positions, move locations, move organizations. It begins with looking at the big picture. What is the big picture? For us it is the energy of the team, their ability to work together with momentum towards the ultimate outcome of delighting and brightening the day of the people we interact with. We have many players on the team, and each one plays an integral part of achieving the end result. Understanding that one affects all is the beginning of the process to creating and growing a high performing team, and ultimately creating leaders.

apples

If you leave a bad apple in a bucket of good apples, you will end up with a barrel of bad apples. The absolute importance of identifying any bad apples in your organization is so vital. It can be hard sometimes to label someone as a bad apple, because our interpretation is so subjective. We tend to doubt our intuition, especially if we are working from the belief that people are innately good. The “all powerful” ego won’t miss the opportunity to chime in and tell you that you can change them. I am not saying to throw the apple out without putting effort into training and developing this person, because if they are on your team you really have no other option if you want to grow as a leader. You have to give your best to those you are leading, there is no negotiating on this one.

The bad apple I am talking about is the one who despite your best efforts is not willing or ready to look at things differently. They often times hide out as top performers. They wouldn’t be in your organization or on your team this long unless you are blind(unaware), desperate, or they are really filling a position that you are not ready or willing to replace. I have personally been guilty of all of these things.

I have hired out of desperation, so overwhelmed that I would make impulsive hiring decisions without the necessary step of ensuring they were a fit for our culture and shared our values of service, growth and love.

I have kept people longer than I should because I had not taken the time and energy to develop the people in our organization who were out performing the bad apple but needed more coaching in other areas.

I have unconsciously turned a blind eye to toxic people, the ones who are so sweet and kind when you are around, but once you turn your back they are spreading rumors, sabotaging their team mates, and basically poisoning the culture.

It can be hard work to be present and aware. It takes conscious efforts to see from above, to look with your heart and see who is truly the best fit is for your team.

comparisons

If you are comparing yourself to someone else, you will always fall short. Its a no win game if you are trying to be better than someone else. It can be a tough thing to unlearn. In school we are rewarded for being at the “top of the class” and I have always been super competitive. As I was coaching a leader one of the things this talented person was concerned with is not being able to perform as well as someone else in their organization. Even though they had proven themselves on multiple occasions to their employer through delivery of exceptional results, and were operating a a high level leadership, the deep insecurities we all share were erupting to the surface.

I believe that at a deep level, we share a fear that they are not good enough. Despite external markers of success, even the most confident people you know are often hiding from that old secret. It is a belief that many of us inadvertently picked up at some point in our youth. It could have been your well intending parents who praised your sibling for things you could not do, a rejection from an early crush or relationship, being picked last during PE time and time again, a teacher who labeled you as unmotivated, a not too kind stepparent that told you that you would never amount to anything, even loving parents who just wanted you to “be somebody”. There are as many causes as there are people, and I can assure you that the volume of the population that are trying to prove those people wrong is exceeded only by the number that are stuck still living those old stories.

What has to happen to be free of the insane belief that you are not good enough is to realize that you picked that up at a time when you were vulnerable, and that they are not a reflection of you. Instead, they are projections of other people’s own insecurities, and you don’t have to carry that torch. The way to be free from comparing yourself to others is to know that you are valuable in and of yourself. You are a unique individual like no one else on this planet, and if you are still alive it is because your work is not done. You have a purpose and a mission, even if you don’t see what it is yet. So stand up tall and give yourself the hug or pat on the back you need, and work to always be the best you that you can be. You will make mistakes, that’s ok. We are all human beings, and as such are perfect yet imperfect, and life is about making mistakes, learning and moving forward again.

“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.”
― Marcus Aurelius

the professionals

They make it look so easy, as they glide along the dance floor, appearing to float. It reminds me of watching the cooks on the line during a busy shift, there is an energy, a flow, that is beyond thought. They have so perfected their art through hours and hours of training and practice and doing, that the motions become ingrained in their bodies. Unlike me, who needs to count on the dance floor, they are operating on instinct. It is like any skill or talent you choose to master, you have to lay the bricks, the foundation, the practice that is the mortar and glue to make what you are learning stick. Everyone starts not knowing how, its where you choose to go from there that determines your destination. It’s okay to not be good at the beginning. It’s okay to suck at writing, or dancing, cooking, or tennis. Just try it. It’s never too early, it’s never too late. You never know what will touch your soul and change the course of your life.

“The doer alone learneth.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche

you’re not that good

You’re good but not that good. No matter how good you are, you are limited by the fact that you are one person. The way to multiply your impact is to lead, to duplicate yourself, to get the other pieces of the puzzle by building your team with people who are strong where you are not. Earlier in my life I would fall into the trap of thinking I had to do it all myself. Call it perfectionism, ego, pride…all just words that had the same outcome. I thought no one could do it as good as I could, and sometimes I was right. But this thought was the prison that was holding me back from growing. It held me back from growing my company, because there is only so much a one man show can accomplish. It held me back from growing as a person, because if you are not challenging your beliefs you are limiting yourself.

Side effects of thinking you have to do it all yourself can be overwhelm, overload, stress and breakdown if you don’t wake up and realize what you are doing to yourself. You can get pretty far on sheer force of will, but eventually that “force” will break you. The break can come in the form of being surly with people, getting physically ill, breaking out, gaining weight, angry outbursts, that nightly cocktail…Maybe you are not like me, where it was hard to ask for help. But if you are, there is hope. You can open your mind to the belief that you can do more by doing less. It’s true. I am proof. Once I really opened myself up to getting help, the stress lifted, the dream got bigger, the clouds shifted and there was the big bright sun.

“No one can whistle a symphony. It takes a whole orchestra to play it.” – H.E. Luccock

5 levels of leadership

My very first introduction into the concept of leadership came in the form of a video that one of my managers showed at a meeting he was leading several years back. I had never really thought about leadership in any way except as a vague idea of something that I was not. I didn’t know that managing people was different than leading them. Although it sounds silly now, I had a belief that if I put someone in place as a manager, the work was done. I thought that managers automatically were leaders and knew how to bring the best out in people. The video was John Maxwell, someone I had never heard of except maybe as some sort of religious leader. He started as a pastor, but has expanded his impact into the field of leadership in the business world.

He talked about 5 levels of leadership, and this was a catalyst for me to look at myself and the people that I had in management positions in my company. It was the beginning of the journey I am continuing daily, towards being the best version of myself that I can be.

1-Positional leader- people follow because they have to (you’re the boss, so they have to follow)
2-Permission level – people follow you because they want to (you have begun to develop a relationship)
3-Production level – People follow you because of what you have done for the organization- you are growing things
4-People development level – you are turning producers into reproducers, loyalty kicks in here. You have mentored them and developed them, they follow you because of what you have done for them.
5-Personhood level – people follow you because of who you are, you are bigger than life- this will come if you are growing as a leader

“The individual leads in order that those who are led can develop their potential as human beings and thereby prosper.” —Socrates