personal growth – Page 10

strength or weakness

Where would you rate your leadership ability on a scale of 1-10? Where would those closest to you rate you? I would venture to say that if you are leading people you have a tendency to see things as better than they are. I was making a list of my strongest and weakest leadership qualities, and although I consider myself a humble person, it was strangely difficult for me to look at the weakest qualities. However, when I asked my family to help with this they had no trouble at all rattling off the weak parts. A few I agreed with, such as impatience, my tendency for tunnel vision (not looking at the big picture), and the difficulty I have had with visualization. It was interesting to me however that one of the areas I consider my strengths, empathy, was what they saw as my weakness.

I consider empathy one of my biggest strengths. It helps me to turn myself around and attempt to put myself in the other person’s shoes. I look at is as if I am adjusting my eyesight to their prescription of glasses. I look at behaviors that would hurt or trigger me and imagine what could be motivating someone to cut me off on the freeway, write a bad review, quit with no notice, do something unethical, be unkind…and choose to believe they are coming from a place of pain. I choose not to judge. This is an ongoing process, as you can imagine, since I continue to get tested in this (most often by those closest to me).

Can this be a weakness? Apparently so. It is a weakness when it falls too far to the left into the area of enabling or complacency. Its a weakness when I don’t want to let someone fall down, fail, experience pain or feel the discomfort of their choices. It is a weakness when I let the lower energies that other people are operating at bring me down. It is a weakness when I let it stop me from making the tough decisions leaders have to make.

I still think that empathy is my superpower, and it’s in my DNA. I also know there is a spectrum. As long as I watch the slide left and right on the scale and remember that pain and discomfort, failures and falls are our greatest teachers then empathy can remain a strength. It only becomes a weakness when I dip into fear.

the valley

The dip, the valley, the resistance, the crash, the wall…it goes by many names, but the symptoms are the same. You have been going hard on your project, dream, vision and suddenly it hits you. You can be deep in the middle or even at the end of your venture, but it will hit just the same. Suddenly you feel deflated and your motivation falters. You want to tap out. What was exciting, fun and fulfilling becomes hard, boring, and dissatisfying. It can feel like its crushing you, a heavy weight that you didn’t even realize you were carrying. This happened for me when we were 3/4 in to our project of opening our 4th location. The lease negotiations had dragged on and cost us a lot of our budget, and the remodel of the 20 year old building was uncovering a Pandora’s box of unexpected repairs that we needed to make. Fortunately (or unfortunately-) we were vested and on the hook to complete this and get it open as soon as possible so we could change the flow of funds from flooding outwards to trickling in. I am also facing it again now as I push to complete the current projects I am leading in our organization.

What to do? It helps to admit it. To face it, and to recognize that it is a normal progression and it has happened before, and will again!
-I am going to pause and take a moment to reflect.
-I am going to ask who can I enlist to help me with these projects?
-I am going to prioritize the projects and take one at a time.
-I am going to remember that there is no tapping out for the leader.
-I am going to look at my life as a whole and see what areas I am neglecting that are pulling me into this dip.
-I am going to be grateful for the opportunity to be able to work on these projects.
-I am going to focus on someone else instead of me.
-I am going to remember that its a journey not a destination- an experience not a goal.
-I am going to have someone hold me accountable.
-I am going to complete the projects while starting new ones.
-I am going to admit I’d rather have too much going on than the alternative, and embrace the valley, without which there would be no peak.

negativity

I am a positive person, and that translates to the issue that I really have a hard time tolerating negativity. I don’t watch the news because it is all fear based. I bring positivity to all of my interactions, whether at home with my family, in meetings and negotiations, at the grocery store, in my company, as I drive. What does that look like? It means that I am coming from the place, the mindset, that everyone has a positive intent. The checker at the supermarket who does everything she can to avoid mirroring my “niceness” is staunchly set in her views of her role as an embittered, disenchanted, unappreciated employee will not despite my best efforts give me back anything but the token responses. My view of her is that there are things in her life that are not going as she had hoped and dreamed, so it is hard for her to see anything good, especially from the perpetually nice customer that always tries to win her over.

The voice of negativity is so loud and big that it gives a distorted picture of how things are. We see it in the media all the time, and I think that its crazy to live in fear. I get it that negativity is a habit, its like a road with deep grooves that your tires get stuck into. It’s the go to place for some people when things don’t fit into their picture of what life should be like. It can be incredibly frustrating to me when I have to interact with these people. I have said it many times, I am impatient. I realize that not everyone is going to be in alignment with me, and that my version of reality can rub people the wrong way, yet it continues to be a struggle for me when I can’t avoid them. I have worked to be in a position to be able to choose who I work with, and I am blessed to have the freedom to be able to surround myself in my organization with people who share my view, but invariably there are a few that slip through. Usually they are people outside of my work environment. Maybe my lessons to still learn are to accept people as they are in whatever state they come to me in.

I think the only way out of darkness is by shining a light, and negativity is dark. We have so much to be grateful for, and the mindset of scarcity will always always leave you in the dark. Thoughts and emotions are very habit forming, and if you are thinking negative thoughts all the time you will feel like shit. Guaranteed. I can’t get in your head and change what you focus on, but I can bring my positivity to every interaction and maybe in some small way shed some light on the road. It is my mission, my job, my passion, to help show how good life can be. It all starts with your thoughts.

passion

Find something you’re passionate about and do that. Okay thats easy to say but what if I don’t know what I am passionate about? What if I am not really passionate about anything yet, or I am passionate about a lot of things? This message is so prevalent, we hear “do what you love and you will never work a day in your life” and there are countless quizes and checklists online that you can use to supposedly find the one thing that is “YOUR PASSION”.

I think the process of discovering your passion goes hand in hand with becoming more self aware. I talk to people who are looking for the one thing, the job or activity that will light them up, and it reminds me of the ephemeral search for happiness. We need to make a living, earn money to clothe, feed and support ourselves, and are told to do this in a field that will feed our passion. But not everyone can narrow it down to the one thing they love to do. We see artists, celebrities, and people in the media making a living doing what they appear to love, and think that it has to be the same for us, it has to be huge and glamorous and exciting. I am going to submit that its not like that for most of us.

I have found that it is just as important to find out what you DON’T want to do as it is to finding what you DO. This can and should be a part of your process, of trying new things, changing jobs, hobbies, careers, foods you eat…It’s absolutely okay to start something strong and then find out it’s not what you thought it would be. It is okay to change course many times in your life. A pilot flying a plane from SFO to NY will change course multiple times on the 5 hour journey, but will always arrive at his destination. There can be so much pressure to stick to it, to choose a career, go to school, get the job, buy the house…I am going to put out there to you if you are feeling lost that it’s OKAY.

Finding your passion requires looking inside, not outside. It means looking back and reflecting on the times you were in the zone, or felt joy, or when time just seemed to fly by. What were you doing? Not activities so much, but what were the more simple things that brought on the good feelings. Your passion will develop as you begin to know yourself more fully. For me I have learned that I really like doing things that are hard. I like to do things I used to think were outside my skill-set. I like climbing hills, literally and figuratively. Whether on my feet, my bike, or with a big new work project, these are the things that give me huge satisfaction. I like being the leader, which took a long time to realize. I was bossy when I was a kid, and that became something that I tried to change. There was a certain negative stigma to being “bossy” if you were a girl, so I learned to become a follower. Finding my place again as a leader took me well into my 40’s to find. I have always been super passionate about family, but that took a long time to redefine for me as well. When I realized that we are all part of this big family called the human race, and even bigger family called our universe, it all came together even more.

So where to start? Whatever you are doing, whether you are working at a job that doesn’t quite do it for you, or washing dishes, or at the grocery store, or hanging with your friends, or walking your dog…do THAT with passion. Enjoy where you are at the present moment as if you had created it. Let go of the search and see where you are. The passion you seek may be as simple as making someone smile.

regret

It is so easy to get caught up in regret or looking back at decisions and choices you have made and long to do it over again a different way. This happens even if you believe that we always make the best possible decisions at the time with our current state of awareness. It’s only looking back through our wiser eyes, after we have seen how the scenarios play out, that we can get sucked into the no-win game of wondering if we should have done things differently.

The process of learning to love myself has required me to forgive myself for the things I wish I had done differently. The catalyst for me on the journey to truly love myself was realizing that no matter how deeply and much I love my children, my husband, my family and friends, it was always going to be less than until I started here, inside me. If I am continually judging myself, comparing myself, finding myself short of where I think I should be, how can I ever truly love unconditionally?

The most profound act of forgiving myself happened out of the blue while helping my sister in law move. I can only think that it was a moment of divine intervention, because I have not memory of any outside cause or trigger for the moment that changed my life. 10 years after my divorce from my first marriage, in one moment forgave myself for ending the marriage. In releasing the guilt and shame, I was able to see how carrying that blame had colored every action until that point. My relationship with my kids, their dad, my husband, my family, my employees…basically everyone I met, was built on the twisted concept that I was a quitter, I was selfish, I was a failure.

I remember the immense lift of my soul at the moment of forgiveness. I felt light. I was light. There is no cookie cutter answer to how to get to that moment, but the first step is to look inside yourself and see where you are blaming and judging yourself for your past. The greatest gift you can give is to release yourself from regret and self judgment, so you can do the same for everyone else.

what i learned at pastry school

I have loved to bake since as far as I can remember. It was my grandma Emily who instilled in me the joy of showing love through baking. She was a terrible cook, but a wonderful baker! She always had cakes made with bumper crops from the garden my grandpa tended in their huge front yard. During the summer months and on weekends throughout the year, my sister, brother and I would love to go to gramma’s house! They were both retired and always busy with projects around the house or in the garden. There was a constant rotation of delicious homey cakes depending on what bumper crop was currently being harvested. Apple cake, zucchini cake, banana cake, strawberry pies…her famous cookies and rocky road every holiday season, all this and apricot brandy made for lots of yumminess every time we went to grammas.

Baking for me was therapy, an activity that I now realize was my earliest teacher for being present. When I am baking I am not thinking of anything but the measurements and temperatures, the smells and tastes, and envisioning the finished product. Even though I was a good baker, I lacked the confidence to make a business of it until I went to some weekend courses at culinary school. What I learned at pastry school was that I was a VERY good baker, with an eye and taste for what makes things yummy. I did learn some recipes and techniques that were added to my epertoire, but the most important thing I learned is that there are learners and there are doers.

There was no magic secret to baking that I didn’t already know. I knew that accuracy was important, that even great bakers cannot make a recipe great, some recipes are just bad. I learned that I already had the talent and skills to make a business if that is what I wanted. I learned that believing in yourself is the first step to achieving your dreams, and that if you open yourself to the idea there are people everywhere who will help you. Understand that persistence, consistency, and learning from your mistakes is key to reaching your loftiest dreams.

intentional growth

"Change is inevitable, growth is optional" - John Maxwell

My journey into intentional growth began when I started looking at myself differently. I began questioning my long standing beliefs about what I could and could not do, connect with people, be athletic, create a successful business, and be happy no matter what. I had a long standing relationship with depression, was very uncomfortable and awkward talking to people who were not in my immediate circle, had no athletic tendencies whatsoever, and did not believe in my talents and skills to create a business doing what I loved.

I am so blessed to have found a partner and soul mate who is a strong leader with vision, who carried me along with him on the early part of our journey together. He gave me the unconditional love and support as well as the perfect accepting environment to begin to live to my biggest potential.

The first book I read that helped me wake up to the thought of being able to control my emotions and create my life was Awaken the Giant Within, by Tony Robbins. I had just begun running and taking better care of my body, and was a follower of a vegetarian runner with an online blog, No Meat Athlete. The saying "when the student is ready the master will appear" really has proven true to me so many times. Matt, the writer of the blog, happened to occasionally mention this book and this speaker, and I was intrigued. Then he wrote about going to an event with Tony Robbins, and how it changed his life and inspired him to start the blog and change the course of his life. This was good stuff, and just what I was needing at the time. I bought the book, and read all 500+ pages, but what really stuck with me was the section about using different words to describe my emotions.

This was a catalyst to a new way of thinking and feeling. I started defining my feelings as a level up. For example, when I felt bored, I changed that to I am relaxed and unstimulated right now. When I was sad, I thought into it and realized most of the time I was tired, and needed some down time to either nap or veg out. Gradually this became more of a habit, though honestly it never ends. As I became better at redefining my emotions, sure enough, more opportunities to grow would come up. Just when I thought I had conquered one, I would get triggered and fall back into depression or feeling disempowered. I realize now that it is a process.

Any change you want to make has to be ongoing. If you think you can fix it and be done, you will swiftly be shown that this is not the way life works. Life presents us with opportunity after opportunity to react or let go, and the journey towards letting go is the journey to freedom.

I recently heard John Maxwell speak live, and he is a helped me see the value of intentional growth. I set the intention for myself to create 5 daily habits that would leave me no option but to grow and learn more about myself and how to best serve others in this world.
Every day without fail I -
Pray
Read
Write
Dream
Reflect
Since making these 5 key things a habit, I have seen tremendous results in my life. I have more focus, more gratitude, more appreciation, and more inspiration than I ever have in the past. I start my day early, I wake up without an alarm between 5 and 6 am, and spend 1-2 hours of quiet time doing these 5 keys for me to a fulfilled life.

Think about this for yourself. What 5 daily habits can you start that will set you on the path to intentional growth?

the mighty oak

We are so blessed to live with oak trees on our property. One of my favorite ones lives right in the middle of our driveway. We have a concrete circular driveway, and the tree has a hole about 6 feet across where it resides. I had a tendency to drive into the hole when backing up, so we filled the hole with river rocks a few years back. Over time the dropping oak leaves that stacked and decomposed combined with gravity have made those river rocks sink in pretty deeply to the soil surrounding the tree. One fall afternoon when we were admiring the majestic oak, James said to me “I wonder if it is really good for the tree to be so closed up with concrete and rocks around it” I agreed, but that was the extent of it. I made a mental note, intending to research this to see if it was true.

As for the giant oak in the driveway, sure enough, we needed to move the rocks away from the base of the tree, which lucky for us we have a strong son who made short work of it. The rocks, leaves and acorns had piled up about 12 inches up the oak, and that can cause the bark to rot, which will ultimately kill the tree. Thankfully we got to it in time.

It is amazing how many acorns these trees drop, and the squirrels work double time when they do to collect them and bury them around our property, or hide them in their hiding spots. I think they forget about some of their hiding spaces, and that is when I see the little new baby oak sprouting up.

One of my favorite quotes is from poet and author James Allen, who wrote As a Man Thinketh “The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn, the bird waits in the egg, and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities.”
We are like the acorn, and have the mighty oak already inside us. Every dream we dream is a seed we sow. Whether our vision comes to maturity or not is highly dependent on our intention. if it is from love and for the greater good, you are headed in the right direction. You can make your dreams happen by sheer will, but when you know that you have the help of the Universe if you are working to serve others, the journey becomes so much easier and so much more fulfilling.

The realization of our dreams is also highly dependent on the nurturing we give it along the way. If we let doubt and negativity pile up, just like the rocks around the oak will rot the trunk, it will cause the dream to wither and die. If we don’t keep it in the forefront of our consciousness it can get forgotten. I make it a daily practice to dream- this is not something that just comes naturally for me.

I have considered myself to be more “down to earth”, or “fact based” When I would dream, I would get impatient, and want the result right now. Then I felt disappointed and dissatisfied, feelings I don’t particularly like. So it became easier for me to just stop dreaming. I kept my thoughts firmly focused on facts and realities.

Then something happened, I had flashes of insight, that showed me that the reality I was in was actually the life of my dreams. I dreamed of having a loving husband and partner, a beautiful space to live with my children nearby yet independent of me, of having a successful business, of being able to help others, of riding my bike…
Everything good in my life was once a dream-what a realization! Now it is one of the 5 things I do every day, I dream, reflect, read, write and pray. I am creating my life with intent- and the tree is growing healthier every day.

expectations

I just felt the incredible release of expectations and the feeling is of such incredible freedom. Its as if a weight I did not even know I was carrying was suddenly released, like a helium balloon who’s string was suddenly cut, just an overwhelming lightness and brightness added to my day. I did not realize the pressure that I create on myself by having an expectation of what my life should be like at this moment. I did not see that I have this image of who I am, or who I am supposed to be. I think I knew this already, but here I am again. I began once or many times already to be this new version of myself, still me, but different.

It is like just putting my glasses on after wearing the wrong prescription, everything shifts into perspective and makes sense. I am doing what I love, connecting with people, and thoroughly enamored of my children and their uniqueness. I can look my life from above and see the beauty in the journey and evolutions I have made along the way. Why do I keep re-learning this? It must be the truth.

buckets

Go grab me a bucket of stress will you? That’s what James told me the last time I said I was feeling stressed out. Sounds callous I guess, but its just a fact. Stress is a self created thing. It is the result of the process of thinking about things that make you feel out of control. It is what is distributed to me when I focus on all the stuff I have to do. Or all the stuff I don’t have time for, or all the stuff other people do or say or think. It is a byproduct of over-thinking. Why is it that we get ourselves all worked up into that place? Why is it so hard to look at “stress” as something that we can actually control?

All that is required to get rid of stress immediately is to focus on your emotions and remember that you have a choice. You can choose thoughts that make you feel good. Yes, that is absolutely acceptable and even mandatory. Don’t think about the stuff that gets you into the place where you are reacting to life. Choose thoughts that make you feel good. It’s ok. I promise. The stuff you don’t want to happen is less likely to manifest if you focus else were. The only thing that is in our control, no matter how much we think otherwise, is our emotions.

But I can’t help how I feel, I say. I am valid in feeling this way, this is really a lot of shtt that I am trying to hold together. If I don’t worry about it and think about it, then who will? Who will prevent all the bad stuff from happening if I don’t stress about it? Worrying is like praying for what you DON’T want. Stop focusing on fear. Take charge of your emotions and begin practicing the free choice we all have on what we believe. Bad stuff and good stuff happens no matter what, choose to focus on what you WANT instead of what you FEAR.

Watch what shows up.