Category: personal growth

“We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.”― Confucius
Life is like a pendulum. The seasons bring sun and heat and summer then swing to the other side to rain, cold, and snow. The nation swings left, holds for a time, then swings a hard right. We work hard with no end in sight, then hopefully live to sit back and see the fruits of our labor. Is it possible to keep the swing from being so extreme? Is there a middle place where we can have a loving world where kindness is the norm? Where the push and pull are not caused by us and our inseparable egos, but instead by nature, like the tides?

Where is the center point, and what can we do to get there? What can we do to find a middle ground, the place where the wind is still, where there is not happiness and sadness, but instead joy? It has to start with each person. We all have our own personal journeys, the lessons we were put here to learn. Some of us are slow learners, some of us learn the hard way, some of us don’t even realize that we have a choice. But once you start to see the immense power you have to create your world, once you see that the decisions you have made have led you to your life today, once you take responsibility for your life, then the living begins.

It is a very small percentage and shrinking number of people who buy books. An even smaller number who actually read the books they buy. I am one of those individuals, and judging by the disappearing bookstores I am in the minority. There are stacks of them on my nightstand, on my desk, on my windowsill, and there are bookshelves in our garage that hold books that are not in my current rotation. The books that are stacked are mostly partially read. Some I finished and loved, so they stay nearby. Some I will never finish, and that’s okay. I know that I got what I needed to get from them already, completed or not. I read to learn, I read to escape, I read to be inspired, I read because I like feeding my mind intentionally. There is so much data and information and static coming at me all day long, from the radio in the car to the TV on in the other room to the seductive Instagram and Pinterest and all of the constant influx of stuff that bombards my consciousness. So I read, it is my quiet time, one of the ways I decompress from the day or set the foundation for it, the way I calm myself down, the way I tap into a part of me that is usually hidden. It’s the way I feed my mind.

Books I am reading now:
The Punch Escrow – Tal Klein Sci-Fi, amazing to me since what was once a dream often comes true, plus it was published right here in Oakland, CA, Love that!
21 Laws of Leadership – John Maxwell Always on my desk.
Do the Work – Steven Pressfield Easy read, helps me break through the inevitable resistance that rears it’s head.
How to Know God – Deepak Chopra Feeds my soul and gives me insight into my ever evolving relationship with the higher power.
After On – Rob Reid An escape novel, reading it slowly, but it’s in our backyard (Silicon Valley) and that’s the draw.

The conversation you have in your head where you tell them exactly what you think. The one that states your opinions, your judgements, your reactions, the “brutal truths”. It is often better to leave these conversations in your head. Or better yet to halt them before you waste your energy having them even with yourself. If you are honest with yourself, you know how they play out, and it never ends well. You may think you will feel better once you get it off your chest, but the result is rarely what you had hoped. Once it’s out you can’t take it back. So talk yourself down, calm your self righteousness. Drink some water and breathe. Whew.

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill
How you look at the failures is in your control- they are the stepping stones to success. You can redefine your failures right now and change your past. Yes it’s true!. The tapes that you have been playing in your head that are the story of your life can be ejected and replaced with new ones. The story that says you are not a go-getter, that you are not smart, that you are a failure, that you are not lovable, that people betray you, that women are manipulative or that men are selfish, any story at all. There were things that happened to me in the past that were painful and I held on to as part of my identity. They colored and influenced the way I reacted and behaved with people. They were the shields that kept me from getting hurt, the banners that announced who I was, the excuses that I used for why I could not. Someone sometime in my past told me I was book smart but life stupid. Why did I believe it? Because I had example after example show up that proved this was true. It became who I was, a persona that controlled all of my actions for many years. I was uncertain, insecure, I lacked confidence in myself. It was a self fulfilling belief, since I kept attracting opportunities to prove these limiting beliefs right. I would think, “Why does this always happen to me?” and my oh so responsive inner voice would say, “It’s because you are gullible. Remember this time and that time and the time before?” or “It’s because people are not to be trusted.”

So what happened to change the story I was telling myself? I see now that I was ready to change. I was tired of the same old feelings of inadequacy and helplessness. I began to ask myself a different question, “Why do I feel this way?” It changed, from things happening to me, to me questioning my responses. A subtle shift that allowed the door to crack open into a whole new way of being. The saying that when the student is ready the teacher will appear is very true, although I believe the teachers are always there, just a small shift outside of our awareness. When we open our minds to the possibility of changing our lives, we begin to see that it is indeed possible. I have gone back to the painful experiences, the failures, the rejections, and ejected the tapes. I have forgiven my younger self for not knowing more. I have attached another meaning to the events, a meaning that gives me peace, as I now see that they were vital lessons in my journey. Every failure was indeed a success, because without them I would not be where I am today, and for that I am grateful.

I learned many, many lessons from my father, but not least of which is that you can fail at something you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance doing what you love. – Jim Carrey

Do more of what you love. It’s as simple as that.
There are always things that we have to do that may rate lower on the scale, like filling up the car with gas, or cleaning the toilets, but if we increase the ratio of love things to more than the necessary things, the happiness dial spins right. Appreciate the moments you have to do what you love, and bring love to the things that are lower on your desirable list. When I clean my home or do laundry, I am creating a clean and welcoming place for my family. When I have to go to the grocery store yet again to restock the fridge, I am feeding my family healthy, nourishing food. When I have to carpool my kids around I am spending precious time with them and getting them safely where they need to go. When I have to wake up early and go to work, I am focused on enjoying the quiet morning and spreading love to the people I work with.

There is a way to make everything you do a joyful thing, by redefining your definition. Stop saying “I have to go to work” or “I have to go to the store”. Get rid of “have to” and be grateful for another day in your body to experience all this world has to offer. Speak kindly to yourself, and be grateful that you have something to contribute to those you love and come into contact with.

When you realize that you play an important part in the creation of your life through your perspective and your reactions it is the beginning of freedom. I remember when I would say “It’s just how I am”, or “I can’t help it” or “He did this to me, so I have no choice”. Freedom comes when you start to see that no matter what happens to you, no matter what you experience, you alone are the one who determines the meaning you give it.

There are two brothers, grown now, who shared a very difficult childhood. Their father was abusive, angry and hostile. Their mother distant and unable to protect them from the tyrant who held the power in their household. They had little support in getting through this difficult stage in their lives. Although they were both in the same nightmare throughout their youth, as time passed their paths digressed to opposite sides of the spectrum. One is very successful, with a loving family and many close friends. He says, “My difficult childhood helped me be who I am, I swore I would not follow that path of abuse. I have spent my life working to be the opposite of my dad, and because of the difficulties I had, I have more strength.” The other is angry, alone, with addictions and has little ambition to change. He says, “My father was abusive, this is why my life is where it is. My genetic disposition is to be an addict. Look at the role models I had, it’s their fault I don’t have anything I want in my life.”

Both of these men have stories. Are they true? They are to them, but they are still stories. We can change the story at any time we choose, and by doing so change not only our past but the course of the future. Every thought, no matter how trivial, has a consequence. The stories of our life are what define us as a human being. The story we believe determines our reactions, affect our belief system, and how we see the world. If you change your thoughts, and change your story, you change your life.