Category: personal growth

start small

“The direction of your focus is the direction your life will move. Let yourself move toward what is good, valuable, strong and true.” – Ralph Marston

Thinking big forces you to stretch. It engages the part of your mind that is mostly busy at night writing the crazy dreams that we wake up wondering where they came from. The secret is to think big but start small. Everything that exists, no matter how big, started with an idea, a dream, started small. Don’t let your big ideas scare you into being paralyzed. Dream as big as your imagination will allow. Write your dream down on paper, keep it in your line of sight, talk about it, think about it. Take the small steps that are the foundation of anything big, and look for the opportunities that are there for you to build that dream into a reality. We become what we think about, and if your dream is kept at the forefront of your awareness, you will begin to notice around you avenues, or doorways, that will lead you one step closer.

I have a dream that my restaurants are not about food, though food is the medium through which we deliver our message. Our message is love. Our message is kindness. Our message is to make our world a better place. It didn’t start this way, it has been an evolution for me as a founder, and as I continue to grow and follow my path. It started as a dream, but also from dire need. I needed a way to support my family, and this was what I was good at, what I knew, what I enjoyed.

It evolved quickly, even concurrently, into being about the food. I know what I like, and that means it has to taste really good to me. It has to have the real stuff, no fake formulated food. That continues to be a priority for us and I am non-negotiable on that, ask my husband who continues to pout that I took away his beloved “American Cheese”. Not long after we opened I began to fall in love with the connections I was making. For the first time in my life I was comfortable with, thriving actually, when meeting new people. The former wallflower had found her place. The safety of being behind the counter gave me confidence to make friends and talk to people from all walks of life as they came into our business.

This was the zone for many years. I was busy, I had purpose, I was in the mix, my hand in the pot, making it happen from the front lines. Then the question began to get through my thoughts…what else do you want to do? What more? The bigger dream was knocking at the door. This brought the growth of our business from one, to three, now four locations. Now our platform has grown, has multiplied in fact, as we take our message to a broader scale. But it started small. It started with a dream, and the dream continues to grow as the people that are a part of it help to create and propel us. Their dreams feed my dream, and so we grow.

appreciation

One of the most powerful gifts you can give someone is that of sincere appreciation. I don’t think I am alone in my wondering if what I do makes a difference, no matter how small the impact may be. There are so many things that we take for granted, or even that we expect as the minimum standard. When we go out to eat at a restaurant, we expect the people that serve us to be friendly, kind and attentive. We expect that the garbage will get picked up every week when we put the cans out. We expect our deliveries to arrive on time from Amazon. We expect our spouse or partner kiss us hello and goodbye. We expect there to be hot water when we turn on the shower. What do you think would happen if you got up early and met the trash collector to tell them thank you for helping to keep our community clean? Or if you called the manager over to tell them how much you appreciated the smile or kindness of your server? Or stopped your lover as they gave you the habitual kiss goodbye, looked them directly in the eyes, and told them how grateful you are to have them in your life?

We have so much to be grateful for, the mere fact that if you are reading this, you have access to electricity, internet, and so much more, is in itself something to pause and appreciate. I think that if one person makes a conscious effort to show appreciation to at least 2 other people, the ripple effect can be huge. So many people spend so much energy focusing on I, what I feel, what I want, what I think… that we forget how blessed we all are to be born in this time of incredible abundance and opportunity. I really believe that if we turn our focus to kindness, adjust the dial just a smidge, and start to show appreciation, the momentum we create will help to heal this world.

velcro

When I read things I have written in the past, sometimes the recent past such as in last week or three days ago, or from a year ago, I am often surprised. It feels like I am constantly learning and unlearning, and some of the lessons I have learned I seem to forget. It’s almost with wonder that I read an old journal, feeling a little like I am intruding in someone’s private thoughts, a little uncomfortable and maybe embarrassed. We have such huge brains, and although it is a myth that we only use 10% (research has shown that over a 24 hour period we use all parts of our brains), I imagine that we have sections where we live at different times. When we are in a place of sadness, for example, the things we do, the words we use, the stories we tell, our body language, are all recognizable as our behaviors when we are living in the sad room. When the sadness lifts and we move into another room, the room of curiosity, for example, we have a different set of thoughts, words, and actions. As we move from room to room, the doors to the other rooms are closed, locked even. I think that is why when I read about “aha’s” I have had, or lessons I have learned, they can seem so far away.

I read my own writing, and it sounds like I have it all worked out. But I don’t, its a process, daily, monthly, sometimes hourly to not get triggered. Somehow we find ourselves in the same situations, maybe a different cast of characters or a different movie set, but the trials are the same. My biggest challenges still is to keep my energy and emotions high when around people operating at a lower energy. That sounds all woo-woo, but basically what I mean is staying at peace when someone is upset. Or angry, or sad, or stressed. This is most difficult for me with the people closest to me, my kids, my family, the people I work with. Emotions are living, energy rich things, I think of them as balls of light, or magnets, or static electricity. I am blessed to have some very passionate people in my life, and when that passion veers to the side of upset, it is hard as heck to keep from getting pulled into the vortex of emotion that wants to attract more of the same. When my kids are sad or upset, even now as they are mostly adults, my strength gets tested to stay where I am and not swoop in to try to bring them up. Likewise, when all are content and excited it is easy to be the same.

It helps me to remember that negativity as well as positivity are parts of the whole, and it is a crazy perfectionist idea to think you will never have anything triggering you. The moment you think you have “figured it out”, guess what, it is just another doorway into the next room. And remembering that our thoughts control our emotions, and there is some Velcro involved in there somewhere. If you are thinking dis-empowering thoughts, or getting sucked into someone else’s dramas, our Velcro mechanism will give us more of the same. We will continue to attract scenarios and opportunities in our life to learn what we need to learn. It is all part of our job here during this short time we have on earth to learn as much as we can about ourselves so that we can truly enjoy the amazing miracle that made us human. Just a 1% adjustment to our DNA and we are chimpanzees.

Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them. Marcus Aurelius

change

Take a look at some of those problems of yours, those changes you desire in yourself, and observe your way of going about it. See how you attempt to bring about change-both in yourself and in others- through the use of punishment and reward, through discipline and control, through sermonizing and guilt, through greed and pride, ambitions and vanity, rather than through loving acceptance and patience, painstaking understanding and vigilant awareness. – The way to Love, Anthony de Mello

You can achieve more and improve more not by focusing on what you lack, but in noticing and becoming aware of what works. I know it works for me to exercise and do something hard. I love to be challenged and to be able to push through the barriers of what I thought were possible for me. It is so liberating to break your limiting beliefs. I thought I would never be able to ride a bike, or that I would not even want to, yet mountain biking has proven to be such a great outlet for me to not only think and meditate, but to push my body and to be in nature. Speaking in front of strangers was not something I ever aspired to do, however when I was put in the situation twice in the past year, it was so exhilarating and exciting to do something that was outside my comfort zone!

The bike riding was the result of an intention of mine to do it, but the speaking was just chance. I did not expect it yet it was and is equally as thrilling! My learning is that no matter if I orchestrate the challenge or it is serendipitously brought to me, it will be an amazing experience.

I look for and open myself to challenges. It helps to know that breaking out of the comfort zone you will face a decision point where you will need to move through and not fall back. It helps to know that our entire psyche is pushing towards comfort. It helps to know that the comfort zone is actually a prison, keeping the light of adventure and life out of my vision. I worked so hard to make everything safe and comfy, but like a too soft couch, I sometimes fall in so deep that it takes great effort to get out.

Step one is to fuel my body well so that it can operate at optimum
Step one is to get out in nature through walking the dogs, hiking, and bike riding
Step one is to love myself and know that I am right where I need to be
Step one is to be grateful for the life, health, family and world that I live in

Change is inevitable, growth is optional.

the moment that counts

“Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, until nightfall. Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day. Anyone can live patiently, lovingly, purely, till the sun goes down. And this is all that life really means.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

We are living at the meeting space of our vast past and the invisible future that is shining out towards the horizon. The only moment we ever have is right now, yet it can be difficult if not impossible at times to calm ourselves from fear or stress or worry about the many possible futures that lie in front of us. Our poor brains spend so much time in overload, trying to play out every possible scenario for us so that we can “plan ahead” or “make the best decision” or “be ready”. If you have ever had to make a speech, go to an interview, finish a project, take a test, terminate someone, go to court…anything that triggers your stress-then you know what I am talking about. Even watching the news about the conflicts and tension in our world is enough to test the most stoic of personalities. It can cause you to wake up in the middle of the night with the issue on your mind. It can lead you to that glass of wine to dull your mind. It can take you away from precious present moments with the people you care about. I know this from personal experience, and I know I am not alone.

There have been philosophers and wise men for as long as we have recorded history counseling us to “Take no thought for the morrow”, yet how do we take that wise advice and make it how we live? How can we run our companies, plan our lives, raise our kids, without thought for tomorrow? Maybe in the many translations and rewrites we have lost the original meaning of those words. What if we replace “thought” with “worry”, or “stress” as high achievers prefer to call it. Then in modern language, I would translate those words into “Have no worry (stress about) for tomorrow”. When I get caught into the vortex of worry, I am learning to catch myself. I have a process I put my imagination through that helps my poor overworked mind get some rest.

Step 1- I give my mind the permission to play out the worst thing that can happen regarding whatever issue I am currently digesting. I do this consciously, meaning I am watching it happen in my imagination, without letting it suck me in.
Step 2- I accept that this could happen, and I realize that I will still be okay.
Step 3- I bring myself back to now and work to improving my present moment. I have already accepted the terrible thing that hasn’t happened, so from here I can rest my worried mind and put to use my creativity and imagination to find better solutions to the issues I am dealing with.

When we are engaging the part of our mind that worries, that stresses, we cut off the access to the imagination. We lose the ability to concentrate, we have difficulty making decisions. It can be like walking in the fog, not knowing when the next step is off the cliff. By opening the avenue to our imagination we are able to clear that fog, to plant our feet firmly on the ground, and to step forward, one step at a time, till the sun goes down.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened. – Montaigne

filtering

I am reminded this morning of a somewhat crude saying, “Opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one”. If you are on the search for knowledge, or personal development, you can find an almost infinite amount of resources, books, websites, speakers, coaches…but who is right? One of the many books am reading, “Wooden on Leadership” states “Practice moderation and balance in all that you do.” I love this book, but I have found in my own life that my times of greatest growth and personal success have been when I am pushing the extremes, not practicing moderation. I don’t think I would have 4 restaurants if I practiced moderation. I wouldn’t have signed myself up for the hours and days and years of hard work and expenses that it has taken to build them to where they are today. I wouldn’t have pushed myself to learn to mountain bike, I wouldn’t have ridden 200 miles on a bike from Seattle to Portland in 2 days, I wouldn’t have run long distances when no one was chasing me, and I certainly wouldn’t be still dreaming of what else I can take on to challenge myself.

It is like everything in life, we need to filter through the information that we ingest on a daily basis and figure out what resonates with us. A friend and I were talking and he said “I have figured out that you can’t learn anything from other people, you have to learn it yourself.” This statement at first got my hackles up, because I have learned so much from other people, but then I got to thinking. It really is true, I did have to learn it “myself”. All of the things I am learning have always been there, it’s not like I have discovered something new, but I had to be at the point in my growth to really hear and apply the lessons. It’s like the parent that is always giving advice to keep their kid out of quicksand-but the kids, if they have any sort of rebellious or independent gene, will go ahead and drive fast or leave their homework for the last minute or date two girls at once. No matter how much guidance is available to us we have to be ready and open to actually get it.

That is how I pray every day.

“Please let me continue to be open to the guidance that is there for me at every moment, and thank you for all of the Blessings in my life. Thank you for another day.”

persistence

Ben can’t walk. He’s only 10 months old, so it is to be expected.

Yet he keeps on trying. He pulls himself up and falls down and gets up again and again. He instinctively knows not to give up. He doesn’t let his many failed attempts stop him from pursuing the goal of independence.

We can learn a lot from Ben. Stop over-thinking and analyzing and speculating and worrying and waiting to be good, just get out there and do it and fail and learn and do it again.

learning to lead

The most important job I have here in this life is to guide the beings that have been entrusted to me to care for, my children, into a life of infinite possibilities. I have raised 4 of these unique individuals, and had some influence in the growth of the 5th, and one thing biggest thing I have learned from them is that everyone is unique. For some insane reason I thought that if I was their mom, they had my DNA, and I loved them all the same, they would all act the same. Reading that last sentence back to myself sounds definitely…if not insane, then naive, yet it boggled my mind again and again as I learned the nuances of each one’s preferred methods of connection and nuances of personality.

Though their methods of meeting them vary, they all share the same basic human needs. Things like we all want to be noticed and loved, we want to know we are appreciated and that we matter. We all want the certainty that we will be safe, yet we also crave variety. We are happiest when we are growing, though there is a time to just relax and reflect. And most of all, we want connection. We may have differing degrees of desire for connection. I for one love my down time, where I can just be alone with my thoughts or music or my writing, and 2 of my kids are very much like me in that. The other 3 seem to be the opposite, and seem to thrive on more interaction.

The lessons I am learning as I navigate being a parent of 5 have given me tools to be able to be a better leader for the people that work with me in our organizations. I have had to learn to communicate differently with each one, and to trust my intuition when it is sending me a message of what “need” is speaking to me. I have had to learn to be present and to read the body language to understand the fears that can control our lives. I have had to learn to express appreciation more and disapproval rarely. I have had to learn to hold myself to a higher standard as I realize how many people are looking to me for leadership and guidance. I have had to learn to lead.

“While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about.” — Angela Schwindt

fulfillment

We are complex human beings, and have many arteries that lead to the heart of fulfillment. It can be said that success is a science, you can find all sorts of avenues, guides, step by step instructions on how to succeed at almost anything. But fulfillment…that is an art. With any big goal I have had, whether it is losing 20 pounds, running a marathon, opening another restaurant, paying off my car…the striving was the fun of it. Once I achieved the “goal”, I felt satisfaction or euphoria or just chilled out, but only for a time. Then, as what was once just out of reach is completed and behind me, I was faced with a what next? I have a polarized way of being, one part of me yearns to strive and climb and do the hard stuff, and the other part is always telling me to relax and just enjoy where you are. Life becomes the balancing act between these two strong parts of my personality. I know that if I am nearing the realization of a goal, I had better have another one right behind it, or apathy, laziness, boredom will set in for me as the dip between climbs.

I have known myself all my life, but I am still peeling layers back and getting surprised about who I am and what drives me.
This sounds crazy, because how is it that we don’t really know ourselves? I mean, we are ourselves, our minds are our own, our body is ours, so why do we succumb to doing things that are not in our best interest? Why do I eat those Oreos when I have been so good on my healthy eating? Why do I get upset when someone projects their own unhappiness onto me? Why is it that what is just out of reach is more fulfilling than what is in my hand?

The process of learning about myself has sent me on the search to find out what brings me fulfillment, not just success. The way to really operate at our highest potential is to make sure that we are taking care of all of those pathways.

For me, I can narrow it down to 5 main roads:

  • Love and Connection- I need to love and be loved, I think this is my strongest need, and I am so blessed that I have outstanding and close relationships with people I am able to live this with and through.
  • Growth – I need to be learning and growing. I fulfill this need in many ways, by reading, mentoring, learning new skills, pushing my body. I passionately love learning and mastering new things that were for me once hard. Riding a bike, running long distance, learning to be a leader, speaking in front of people, even learning new software. Hard is good.
  • Security – I think for a lot of us this is a big one. I want to feel safe and believe that tomorrow will be okay. I want to make sure that those I love have the comfort and security I also crave.
  • Excitement – This can be the opposite of security. This is when I step outside my comfort zone and am doing things I didn’t think I could do. This comes from seeing the people I lead and love growing and excited about their lives.
  • Purpose – I need to know that I am doing all I can to make a difference in the lives of the people I interact with, and in my little part of this world.

It is not in the pursuit of happiness that we find fulfillment, it is in the happiness of pursuit. -Denis Waitley

do it now

I am high on myself as I ride this morning, pushing just a little harder up the hill, knowing I had conquered the dreaded fear yesterday of the downhill from hell. Months of almost there but pulling back at the last minute finally gone, and my confidence back. The lesson learned that fear is all in my head. I am ready to ride that rutted path that had taken me down, and what do you think has happened? I can tell you it’s a perfect example of life happening for me, not to me. I am approaching the section, confident I can ride it again, and they have graded the path. That means the ruts are gone. It’s as smooth as a newly paved road and anyone scared of it would be a baby.

All I could do was laugh, and think of all the energy I had spent trying to cross the terror barrier, and the immense satisfaction when I finally did. I can only believe that this was another clear lesson to me from the powers that be to DO IT NOW. Opportunity comes in many different forms. I often think of opportunity as something related to money, or material success, but had I not pushed past the fear yesterday I would have missed forever the opportunity to ride the ruts and feel the incredible sense of accomplishment that sticks with me even now. Get over your fear, get out of your head, get into the place where you believe anything is possible. What is the worst that can happen? You can fall? or fail? Or you can stay in your safe little bubble, looking out at the world and wondering if you could have done more.