It is so easy to get caught up in regret or looking back at decisions and choices you have made and long to do it over again a different way. This happens even if you believe that we always make the best possible decisions at the time with our current state of awareness. It’s only looking back through our wiser eyes, after we have seen how the scenarios play out, that we can get sucked into the no-win game of wondering if we should have done things differently.
The process of learning to love myself has required me to forgive myself for the things I wish I had done differently. The catalyst for me on the journey to truly love myself was realizing that no matter how deeply and much I love my children, my husband, my family and friends, it was always going to be less than until I started here, inside me. If I am continually judging myself, comparing myself, finding myself short of where I think I should be, how can I ever truly love unconditionally?
The most profound act of forgiving myself happened out of the blue while helping my sister in law move. I can only think that it was a moment of divine intervention, because I have not memory of any outside cause or trigger for the moment that changed my life. 10 years after my divorce from my first marriage, in one moment forgave myself for ending the marriage. In releasing the guilt and shame, I was able to see how carrying that blame had colored every action until that point. My relationship with my kids, their dad, my husband, my family, my employees…basically everyone I met, was built on the twisted concept that I was a quitter, I was selfish, I was a failure.
I remember the immense lift of my soul at the moment of forgiveness. I felt light. I was light. There is no cookie cutter answer to how to get to that moment, but the first step is to look inside yourself and see where you are blaming and judging yourself for your past. The greatest gift you can give is to release yourself from regret and self judgment, so you can do the same for everyone else.