Month: July 2017

leaders are learners

“Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.”- President John F. Kennedy

Leaders are learners. You must be continually focused on your own growth, and the growth of those you lead in order to truly be a great leader. The fundamental counterbalance for the learning is teaching, and this is where what we are learning really sinks in.

When I share what I am learning with my people, I begin to see the impact it has on them and the way they interpret it. As we filter the lessons through our own interpretations and pass them along, the lessons get ingrained in our subconscious. It is so exciting to see someone light up as they gain a new awareness of something inside themselves that rings true. The feeling we get when we learn something new that just sounds right. For me, learning looks like this- I hear or read or discover something, and it resonates with what I already know. Or maybe it is some new way of looking at an issue that I never even thought of before, and as I take in the learning, it goes into a spot inside me, kind of a holding place. There it waits for the double verification from life situations that prove it true.

Sometimes what I have learned will come to me at the perfect time when I am coaching someone I am leading. This inspiration is truly magical. I love it when what I am learning shows up to me in real life situations. I remember distinctly one lesson that showed up in a painful way. I was reading about the importance of connection and touching a heart before asking for a hand. This is usually my instinctual way of being, I love people and appreciate them for what they contribute to not only my organization but to the world we live in. But I am far from perfect, and obviously still learning.

I was making a quick visit to one of my locations, and as I walked up to the building my eyes touched on the tables that had not been set up, even though we were 5 hours into the shift. I entered the restaurant and noticed several tables that had not been cleared, and one table with 2 guests that immediately flagged me over. I approached the table, and greeted the couple who were regulars at one of my other locations. They were quick to provide me with feedback about their visit. They brought to my attention the dirty tables and their perception of the lack of urgency in the service. I am always grateful for feedback, even when it is constructive. I thanked them and assured them I would be addressing their concerns and providing training to my team.

So far so good. Then it went south. I went to the office and my first words to the supervisor on duty went like this, “Hi Susie, those guests just complained to me that there were dirty tables for the entire time they were sitting here and that there was no sense of urgency from the staff to clean and service the dining room. Also the tables outside are not set up, and it is already 11 am. The tables need to be set up at opening.” Whew. That was the first domino. I did a quick walk through and settled myself in the office to catch up on some paperwork.

About 10 minutes later one of my team members came up and asked me if they could speak to me. I welcomed him in to the office and shut the door. “Hey Denica, I just wanted to say that I have always tried to be open to all the managers I work for, and I have had some difficult ones for sure. But I am really having a hard time with the supervisor on duty today. She just came up to me and said, ‘You need to keep the dining room clean.’ I explained to her that I had been very busy taking care of the guests, and that I was doing my best to keep the tables cleared. Her reply to me was, ‘Well, its not good enough, you just need to work harder.’ I really don’t appreciate her way of telling me, when I make it my priority always to give the best service possible to the guest.”

This was the immediate lesson to me in real time about the importance of connecting first. The negativity that was my first interaction with Susie swiftly got passed along the chain. Sometimes the real life examples of what we are learning are not pleasurable, but they are reminders nonetheless. I shared this lesson with Susie once I realized it, and apologized for my approach with her. When we learn the lesson, share it, the value you give to the people you are sharing it with is exceeded only by the value of learning what you teach.

connecting

I love my computer and my phone. Rather I love what they give me, the convenience of being able to look something up on a dime and get reminders about my schedule and places I need to be. I love writing on my computer, I can just let it flow out without thinking about what I am writing, then go back, read my gibberish and correct my mistakes. To be totally honest I really like to get distracted with it as well. I find my Instagram feed strangely addictive, and I have to hand it to the developers of that little app for the skill they have at putting together the perfect combination of things that I am into. Colorful pictures of yummy food, inspiring quotes, my adorable niece and nephew, travel photos from beautiful places…its all there just for me.

The advances we have seen in technology over the past 10 years have brought us into more awareness of what happens all over the world in an instant. In my parents time, heck, in my youth even, you had to read about things that happened on the other side of the world in a newspaper, or tune into the evening news and see it there, after a delay. Now its instant, good or bad. There is no argument that this new awareness is good, however one of the sad side effects that I see everywhere, even in my own home, is the lack of human face to face interaction that can occur.

James and I went to LA last week to put our youngest son on a flight to visit my parents in Spain. As we were waiting at the airport I looked around at the diverse group of people who were coming and going, waiting and moving around the airport. Of those that were sitting, I estimated that at least 85% were on their devices. If you were to take a snapshot of that moment in time, it would appear that most people were flying solo. The exceptions were the mother and her toddler son, playing tug of war with the backpack, the young lovers embracing fervently as they said their goodbyes, the older couple who were dozing in their seats, and a few other random people. But for the most part, the look was the same. head and shoulders slightly hunched over, phone in their hands, gaze transfixed. You could justify this by the fact that people are bored and waiting, so looking for a distraction, but I see this behavior all the time. I saw it at the 5 star restaurant we dined at, groups of diners sitting around their table each on their own device, our kids in our home all sitting on the couch, tv is on, but no one is watching because they are all on their own personal iphone, samsung, google…

What if we put ourselves on a diet? Just like overeating, is there damage that is done by over-teching? What are we missing out on by being on our phones instead of being present with the person we are with? What if we started making connections with the person that is sitting next to us as we wait to see the doctor, or in line at the grocery store, or sitting next to us on that flight? Better yet, what if we took the time to really communicate with our kids, our partner, our parents? When is the last time someone looked at you directly and had a genuine interest in how you were doing, not just “Hi, how are you, fine, how are you” But “Hi! How ARE you? What’s your day been like?”

My challenge for myself, and for anyone who can see any value in what I am putting out here, is to become intentional about REALLY being here. Lose the distractions, put yourself on a tech diet. It’s ok to have an escape, not saying to eliminate it entirely. Just take a look at the amount of time you are spending in the zone of distraction, and work to push the ratio towards connecting with the amazing, diverse, interesting human beings that you come into contact in your daily life. Don’t ever underestimate the impact we have on each other, your kind words can be the difference in someone’s life between a rotten day and an amazing one.

conditions

The act of giving with no intent to receive anything back is the most profound thing we can do. I think the tendency to keep score is so subtle and hides so deeply inside our psyche that it doesn’t come into our awareness until we feel the scales have tipped too far out of balance for us. I think this is the root of many conflicts we have with the people we love. As long as things are groovy, and the other person is following our rules on how they “should act if they love us”, we are good with it. Once they break one of our rules, (which are our own self created definitions for behavior), how easy it is to fall into the trap of looking at the score. Breaking the cycle of this for that is the process of learning to give unconditionally. To give money anonymously, to do something kind for someone and not tell a soul, to say yes when someone asks for a hand without questioning if it will ever come back to you. These are the things we can hold only ourselves accountable for as we proceed through this life we are so blessed to live.

I am so blessed to have a partner who is such a perfect match for me, he loves me and supports me and has allowed me the freedom to grow and change throughout our relationship. I have also witnessed him growing and evolving as well with me. I’ll admit that for him the “rules of relationship” were much less strict than mine early in our relationship. We laugh now when he reminds me of when he learned about my “birthday rule”. I was raised in a very tight family, and birthdays were sacred. That meant a big party for the guest of honor, and all family members joined to celebrate. My sister and I had come up with the “birthday weekend” which then extended into the “birthday week”, during which the birthday person pretty much ruled and got to do whatever they liked- which usually translated in our family into spending time together with the people closest to us.

I remember the first year that James and I were together, and his birthday came along. He planned a big guys trip to the Black Rock Desert, with motorcycles and target shooting and all kinds of guy fun. I was quietly upset the week before as he planned it, but did not say anything to him about why. He intuitively knew something was wrong, but I was stubbornly resistant to telling him how I felt. My “rules” were that if he really cared about me he would want to spend his special day with me. AND that if he really knew me he should know why I was upset. I know that many people fall into these assumptions, that the partner we are with should know what we are thinking. We think that our rules are universal, and that they are absolute. We get into relationships with the belief that this person will not push our limits or make us upset. I was passive aggressive, meaning that I was in denial of being upset with him and treated him with a cool shoulder for an entire week after he returned. He finally broke through the ice and convinced me to talk to him. When I put into words how I felt it was ridiculous to hear myself. It was so selfish and the opposite of love that I was ashamed. I realized how much work I had to do still to learn to give unconditionally, to stop keeping score, and to truly love someone. I have been presented with many more tests throughout our relationship, and each one is a lesson and reminder to me of the way to love. You can read as much as you want about the way to love, but the real teacher is the process of making the decisions in every situation to give, to love, unconditionally.

motivation and resistance

When I was a runner, I realized that motivation was not something that you waited for. It is created by just doing it. Motivation comes when you want the payoff no matter what the work involved. There were countless times when the last thing I wanted to do was lace up my running shoes and head out the door. The only way I was able to continue on my training course was to close off the part of my mind that was telling me I don’t feel like running today, its too hot, I’m tired, I can skip a day… and just do it. This is easier sometimes than others, it helps to remember how great it feels after you are done.

Your inner saboteur can talk you into or out of anything. The voice in your head never goes away. As human beings we have a will that is stronger than the doubting fearful self that usually runs the show. How many times have you had an idea that was so inspired, you were excited and it felt right? what happens when you don’t act on it? For me it fizzles and dies due to lack of momentum. Maybe in your excitement you share it with someone, even someone who you trust and that loves you and cares about you. You forget the fact that everyone has their own independent world view, needs, and priorities. Maybe in their love for you, they project their own fears and give you all the reasons why you should not do something- they are well-meaning nay-sayers. Since they care about you, they don’t want to see you fail or get hurt. They can’t imagine a worse fate than failure.

We are creatures of unlimited potential for growth. Our lives, failures, and successes up until this point have perfectly prepared us for what we are currently experiencing in our lives. The challenges will come no matter what we do to create a perfect world for ourselves. It is up to us to look at each situation that makes us uncomfortable, scared, stressed, nervous, bored, angry, anxious or sad as opportunities to learn and grow.

The emotions that we identify as negative can only be defeated by love and acceptance. If you resist the negative emotion, you are feeding it more negative energy, which will take you deeper into the emotion!

When I feel what I perceive as a negative emotion, I have learned to embrace and welcome them. Feelings like uncomfortable and scared. These to my are messages that something new and unpredictable is coming my way. Something I have not done before, or that entails stepping outside of the self imposed boundaries of my comfort zone. These feelings come up for me when I need to deal with difficult people, people I perceive as being more successful than I am, when it comes to spending money, launching new business ventures, and more.

Stressed or bored are two sides of the same coin for me. I have come to realize that my life flows in a series of waves of these two emotions, with (longer) periods of flow in between. When I am stressed, it usually happens because I have a lot of projects or goals on my plate, and have not yet figured out how to get the help I need. Bored can happen when all the work I have done to make the stress disappear is successful, and the lack of stimulation can cause me to think “boredom”. I don’t fall into the boredom trap as much as I did in the past because I know that I have the ultimate power over my emotions. I can look at a quiet day as relaxing, I can add variety to my life in so many different ways if I truly need it. I can reach out to a friend and offer my listening ear. I can be grateful. I can get out there and move.

The most important thing for me to remember is that emotions are transient. They come and they go, just like leaves blowing in the wind, or clouds in the sky. If you grab onto them, they act like sticky sap, and attract more of the same. One constant in this life is change. When things are great, they will change; when things are bad, they will change. When we attach ourselves to things being a specific way in order for us to be happy, we are setting up for pain.

Find the place in yourself where you are real love and joy. This is your true state. You are perfect just the way you are. Love yourself first, and the love and patience you can give will multiply. That is the secret to a joyful life.

“I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”― Mother Teresa

management and leadership

Often these two words are used interchangeably, but in reality they are two different philosophies. Managers have employees, leaders have followers. Managers are in charge of developing and enforcing systems and processes, leaders are in charge of creating connection and vision. This is not only true in business, but also even more importantly in families. If you have kids, you are either managing them or leading them. Parenting in my opinion is the most important job we are entrusted with. We have been given young humans to love, keep safe, guide and lead to adulthood, so they can carry on and do the same with their children, or the people in their lives. When they are little managing is the mindset, you need to tell them what to do and where to go. You need to keep them away from the hot stove, and probably help them with their shoes so they are on the right feet. But there comes a time when you need to shift to leading. Telling them what to do doesn’t work once they reach that point where they realize they have a choice. When will that point be? You’ll know. You will face resistance. Your sweet little boy or girl will suddenly transform into a different being right before your eyes.

I remember vividly the moment this happened with one of my sons. He was always a super cooperative little guy, always ready to do whatever we asked and to help out with chores. He was 13 and we were at our cabin, and our dog needed to go out. We said “Hey son, we need you to take Buddy for a walk”, and he ignored us. We let this slide because hey, this kid always did as we asked. After some time went by and he still had not taken the dog, we told him again, “Son, Buddy needs to go-“. Suddenly a new person took the place of our cooperative young son. He stood up and said “I don’t want to. Why can’t someone else do it?” What ensued was a rising of tempers and escalating voices until finally we took the higher ground and let him slide. This was the moment of transition, the point when we needed to change our approach and stop managing him and start leading him. How do you know when that will happen? You’ll know. This means asking instead of telling when we need help. This is when to trust foundation you have laid while they were younger to stand firm as they venture into young adulthood.

Managers are maintainers, leaders are builders. What steps are you making in your life to be a leader?

the hard question

When someone first comes on board, it is vital to spend the time to show them what the culture is. Use all of the resources you have to train them and bring them up to speed as soon as possible. But how long should it take? At what point to you begin to ask the question- Is this person trainable? There is no cookie-cutter answer to this, as everyone has a unique learning style. Plus, there is the added truth that the training never stops and you can’t stop even when they are already in the mix, performing independently.

Answering the question “is this person trainable” ultimately depends on the position they are in, as well as their track record of retaining and implementing the tools you give them to succeed. AND most importantly, their attitude.
Ask yourself these questions-
Have I spent the time with them to create a relationship of trust?
Have they bought in to me as their leader- will they do as I ask and need them to do?
Do they bring a positive attitude to the workplace?
Will they help their team members out when needed?
Do they show respect to the leader and to their team?
Are they making visible improvements in their performance?
Do they follow through consistently on the things that are important as opposed to urgent?

If the answers to any of these questions is “NO”, there is a problem. It starts with the leader- did you make sure they got the training and support required? But there is a limit to what a leader can do, essentially it comes down to the team member himself. He may not be a good fit despite your best efforts to on-board or rehabilitate him. The amount of time it takes to reach this realization will vary according to the level of experience of the leader and the team member, as well as the skill level required for the job. You should be able to make the call pretty quickly if your high-dollar bookkeeper doesn’t know the difference between a credit and a debit, for example, but may be more lenient with someone who has never had a job before.

It is never easy to transition someone off the team, especially in this current climate here in California. Everyone is hiring and so many business leaders I meet with share the challenge of finding and retaining quality people. Be that as it may, it will always cause more damage than good to keep someone on the team who is not on-board with the culture of the company.

Take a look at your team, acknowledge the blessing of the great individuals who are the core and are propelling and building your brand.
Look at yourself and ask the question- Am I focused on constantly improving, adding value to the people I lead, and becoming a greater leader?
And finally, ask yourself- Who do I need to transition off the team?

crazy is good

Marketing and innovation- the two words that are ingrained in my brain as the keys to continued business growth. We are always innovating, looking for the magic combination of services that will give our brand the perfect storm of success in our business. There are many more failed experiments than successful ones, but thank God we tried them otherwise I don’t believe we would find the ones that work. The ice cream machine was a definite fail. We thought it would be a hit when we added the soft serve machine to the Dublin location back in 2005. We had extended our hours and were open for dinner, but only until 8. We could not even give the ice cream away for free, let alone sell it, and the process of maintaining and cleaning the machine took over 90 minutes a day, something the salesman neglected telling us when we bought it. Not counting the fact that James and I both gained a considerable number of pounds after indulging in the all you can eat free ice cream that was suddenly at our disposal!

Those early days of being open for dinner in Dublin were also a fail, since we had not been ready to go all in and open late. We closed at 8 pm and didn’t have enought foresight to hire a manager despite the advice from our mentors. James was spread super thin, both opening the restaurant at 2:30 am as the baker and running the dinner shift until 9 pm at night. I was home with our young family and this was a super challenging time for us. It took us over 2 years to make the difficult decision to close the dinner service and go back to our model of breakfast-lunch.

Why was it so hard to make the business decisions of knowing when to change? For us it was tied up with our ego and not wanting to quit. I think any successful business leader would agree that you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to succeed. That can get twisted up when you have to make a decision to kill a project, it definitely did with us. Our financials didn’t lie, the extended hours were costing us more money than they were bringing in. Add to that the additional stress on our family since Dad was always coming and going to work and was tired as all heck. We wrangled for over a year whether to close for dinner, and when we finally made the call it was a sad day for both of us. It took just a short time for us to feel the relief of the added costs and stress that the dinner hours had caused on our family and to acknowledge that it was the right decision.

Why did it take us so long to make the call? Why did a giant like Kodak fail to make the innovations that could have ensured their continued success? Why did Blockbuster fall from the top? Ego and complacency. You have got to get your ego out of the way and look at not only the hard facts, but your intuition. Listen to new voices and be willing to try something new as well as to pull the plug on something that isn’t working. Never rest on your laurels, past performance does not automatically guarantee your future success. No one will argue that we live in a fast paced, rapidly changing world. You have to keep innovating and evolving your business and your leadership, or you will be left in the dust with the fallen giants. Being a leader means making the hard decisions, and also always looking for new voices and opportunities to add more value to your clients and the people you lead. Embrace change, and celebrate new ideas, even if they sound crazy. Change is made by the crazy ones, not the sheep. Crazy is good!

freedom

This July 4th I am more consciously aware of the freedoms we take for granted, and the one that is our base innate freedom that many of us don’t embrace. I am talking about the freedom of thought. We have absolute control over what we think about, and no matter what our life situation, we have the freedom to choose the meaning we give to what we experience. I am not in any way discounting the feelings of grief, pain and oppression, but I am talking about thoughts here, not emotions.

Thoughts are a little like habits. Its like when you go to Baskin Robbins and look at their 31+ flavors and default to Rocky Road. Or when faced with a big menu your choice is a Caesar Salad. There are so many choices, why do we always go with more of the same? We have pathways in our brain that the more we follow them (the thoughts) the stronger the path gets. Its a giant network of cables in there, and every time you follow the cable that leads to your disempowering thoughts, it wraps another layer around the original cable, making it stronger. It takes a tremendous strength of will to start untangling the cables and choose a different path.

I am here to tell you that it is possible, and we all have that strength inside us. It means becoming self aware, aware of your thoughts and the effect they have on your emotions. I know it is possible because I am doing it. If I can do it, I promise so can you. I was one of the most unaware self imposed helplessly slaved to my thoughts person you can think of. I truly believed that I could not control what I was feeling. To finally recognize the truth that I am in control of that inner voice was the beginning of the true freedom to enjoy this life to the fullest.

implementation

There is a point when you need to stop reading and filling your brain and sit for a moment and digest the content, then practice living it and passing it on. Stop reading and start doing. Come back after you have had 3 positive interactions. That means the person or people you interact with left uplifted. This is where the juice is at. Have a great day!

limits

I sat next to Bob recently at an Entrepreneurial summit recently, where 1000 current and aspiring business owners and had invested a lot of money to learn from some of the US’s brightest entrepreneurs. We spent time listening to the speakers but also interacting with each other. The common issue that kept coming up was “implementation”. We had a lot of knowledge on what we needed to do, but faltered on implementing what we knew. Most of these people were already tremendously successful by anyone’s scale, but they were all there looking to unlock the next level of success and learn from people who had knew the road ahead.

But back to Bob. As we split up into pairs to share our stories and why we were there, it seemed clear to me as an outsider where Mike’s limitations were at. He had a full service construction company that provided a concierge service to people after they had a catastrophe such as a fire or flood in their home. His service acted as a go-between and would assist with the many issues that arise when you are displaced from your residence. One of the challenges he shared with me was that people didn’t know that his service was available, and most people don’t anticipate a disaster so he’s not even on their radar.

I suggested that he develop relationships with insurance agents in order to get referrals to the people who could benefit from his services. His reply was a succinct “No” because he believed that insurance agents did not want to refer their clients to him because he would cost the insurance companies more money. When I heard this it sounded like he was closing a door before even looking in. It was easy for me spout advice such as he can be developing relationships with people in these positions outside of the work setting, like playing golf, chamber of commerce etc. He got a look on his face that told me he was not interested in hearing my input, and politely turned to speak to someone else.

This got me thinking about my own self imposed limitations. I know about the ones that used to stalk me, like I’m not smart enough since I didn’t go to college, or I’m book smart but life stupid, or I can’t do this without my partner. But what other blind spots do I have that are stopping me from growing and reaching my highest potential?