When I found out I was expecting a son, my second child, I was so happy. I already had a beautiful daughter who was 4 years old, smart independent, joyful and really an easy child. I spent the months before he was due preparing his room and our family to welcome what I thought was going to be another easy step in the path of my life. I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant with him, buying cute maternity clothes and using the excuse that I was eating for 2 to indulge in hot fudge sundaes on a semi frequent basis! As the date he would arrive neared, the whole family was brimming with excitement to be welcoming a boy into the fold, the first grandson for both sides of our family.
On a Friday in April we were so excited to be heading to the hospital to welcome our little boy. The delivery went smoothly and soon we had a beautiful baby boy in our arms. That evening the nurses took him to the nursery to give me some much needed rest. Around 5 am the doctor came into my room with some frightening news. I listened in shock as he told me that my new baby boy had stopped breathing during the night, and that the nurses had resuscitated him. He was on a heart and breathing monitor but they were going to transfer him to Children’s Hospital for further testing and observation. I could not even process what they were telling me, his voice seemed to be coming from far away, and I thought he was playing some kind of twisted joke that I didn’t get.
Baby Noah was transferred to neonatal ICU and stayed there for 3 week, during which he had to undergo a series of tests only to find nothing physically wrong with him. They sent us home with him attached to an oxygen monitor that he needed to wear 24 hours a day, and would give of a shrill alarm if he stopped breathing again. Thankfully he never experienced another episode, but as he got older, he was failing to reach the milestones that are considered normal. He was an unhappy baby, crying and screaming to the point of exhaustion, and did not learn to walk until he was almost 2 years old. Although we saw specialists after specialist, no one was ever able to come up with a reason why he was developmentally delayed.
When he was 3 he was assessed for services by the school district, and I received the news I had been in denial about until then. According to his IQ testing, he was categorized as having a severe intellectual disability, which to me was a harsh reality that my little boy would never “catch up”. The next several years were some of the most challenging in my life. I was angry and upset that he was not progressing at the same rate as my other children, and I couldn’t understand why he would fight me on every front. His tantrums every morning as I rushed to get everyone ready and off to school had me more often than not in tears. I was mad that this was the hand that was dealt to me. I was resentful because I thought he would never get to be happy and experience life as I had hoped for him.
When he was about 10 an angel gave me a poem that changed my life.
I remember the daily struggle to get him to do things that I thought he should be doing such as getting himself dressed, or putting on his own shoes. I was so angry that he would not cooperate, and the more I pushed the more he resisted. It was like on some deeper level he knew that I was resisting him as a perfect human being. I resented that he needed more help, and I was angry with God for giving me such a difficult challenge. I can clearly remember the turning point in my life and my relationship with my son. I wish I could remember who it was that shared this piece of life saving poetry with me, but I cannot. I guess it doesn’t really matter who gave it to me because it came as divine intervention at the right time for me to hear the message and change my outlook.
It gave me such a timely insight into accepting the alternate reality that was my relationship with this special being. Once I began to look at Noah as just different, not better or worse, it opened the door to truly seeing that he is a gift. Not only did I gain new eyes, but with these accepting eyes he has blossomed right before my eyes. He is here to remind me what life is really about, joy, love, happiness and acceptance of all that comes my way. I am constantly learning from him he is pure love. The only thing inside him is love, purity and innocence, like a child. Acceptance of the variations of life in their perfect way, teaching me to love.