Denica Freitas – Page 13

open your ears

Open your ears and listen more. The whirr of the air conditioner, the high pitched sound of the elevator, the dog rolling over and breathing deeply. Steps? Birds chattering and car door closing. Clicking of the keyboard and the beating of my heart.

How is it that all of this and more is happening in the background at all times? There are so many things going on concurrently that our minds have to filter out the stuff that is clutter. We don’t even realize that its happening, that the mind is deleting stuff that it doesn’t focus on, what becomes clear are the things we lay our attention on. I can look around and see the weeds growing through the cracks in the cement, the crease beginning to form on my brow, the stack of papers on my dining room table/desk that should be filed away. Or I can see the beauty of the flowers and the sunny day, the pile that is a work in progress on creativity, the plates in the sink that say “someone lives here” and feel joy.

There is no place that is perfect, the only perfection is in the moment we are in. When I stop and listen it quiets the chatter. It opens the blinds. It allows in the beauty and variety that is here and there and in each person to come into your awareness. Quiet the mind and open your ears. Listen more.

it’s a process

There are no shortcuts along the way to self improvement, and as a leader you must be focused on always improving yourself in order to improve anything outside yourself. It can be really hard when faced with the reality that you may not be operating to your fullest potential. I like to think of myself as the type of person who handles her stuff, I went into business for myself partly because I like to be in charge of my own actions and not be managed, or told what to do. Although I am confident now in my leadership and ability to create positive change, it wasn’t always the case.

For many years I put myself in the position of follower. My husband and partner is a strong, natural leader, so this was easy and not a bad thing, most of the time. Some of the qualities of a great leader are that they see the untapped potential in those they lead, set the vision bigger and clearer than most can imagine, and inspire others to grow and improve themselves. For a long time I was firmly stationed in a place where I believed, “This is how I am. I can’t help it. This is all I have.” Luckily for me, James loves me enough to not buy that BS, but I resisted. Each time we opened a new location, he was the driving force that made the lease negotiations, remodels, and openings happen, with me acting as his assistant, doing the support tasks that he needed. Each time we faced extreme tests on our relationship as partners and a couple, and I would often fail to rise to the level I needed to in order to maintain the momentum. When he would bring this to my attention, my reaction was to get defensive, to withdraw, and to want to quit. Emotions were high because we always have a clock ticking to get the locations opened before we are too far in the hole financially and have to pay rents with no money coming in, so our talks were rarely calm and reassuring.

It has only been as I focus on improving myself by working to overcome a life controlled by emotions and reactions that I have found my place as the leader of our organization. Improving yourself is not a destination, you cannot be satisfied with doing just enough to get by, or by quick fixes. Improvement requires a daily commitment, daily habits that work to rewire and rebuild your inner workings with intention. Many people underestimate the little things, but it is the little things, done daily with consistency that make the biggest impact. Change happens with or without our involvement or awareness. The question for us is will will grow and learn with the changes? Improvement is not “one and done”, it’s a process, day by day, decision by decision.

tribes

The word tribe is one that I have just recently started using. I know that there are bigger and greater organizations that have been using this word for some time, there are books about it and you can search it online and find a plethora of information about it, but for me it’s a new term. It’s really just a way of expanding my thoughts to include more people in our vision. When I talk about my team, I am referring to a smaller, more defined group of people who know each other and work together towards similar goals, but when I expand my vocabulary to use “tribe”, it is something more.

The idea of our tribe is the expanded group of people who not only work together, but also add value in other ways, either by being clients, suppliers, our community, or even members of our extended families. There is a huge tribe of people with tatoos, there are tribes of people who practice Buddhism, there are tribes of people who live to serve. It really means a group of people that are like us and do things like us. We care about the people in our tribe, and rally to support them when the need arises.

It is not an elite club, its an open door to a community that has the energy to create positive change. We don’t have rules, but we do have shared beliefs. Beliefs such as we all have the potential to make a difference in the lives of those we interact with. We care about our fellow man and work to make things better. Since I also have a business within a tribe, there are times when we have people in the organization who are not synchronizing with the culture of growth and connection that we have. This does not make them any less valuable as human beings, but it can cause ripples in the flow of our momentum as a business. It is the job of the leaders to ensure that the people they are leading understnad how we do things. In any business there is so much more power and better results when you have people working together, helping out when needed, and most importantly doing what they say and acting with integrity.

Just the other day one we had a scenario in one of my businesses where of my leaders asked someone to stay and hour later to help him with a project. The person, lets call him Jerry, agreed, however when the time came for him to help out, Jerry was nowhere to be found. Did Jerry forget? or was this an indicator of a bigger issue? A leader needs to look at the big picture and to have open communication. Is this the first time something like this has happened? Have we taken the time to really connect with Jerry and let them know they can trust us to be there for them as well? Are we transparent and clear when we have a one on one with Jerry, and let him know that the message he was sending by disappearing after committing to help was that he could be relied on?

We are working together to create positive change in our little universe, and what you did to get to this point in your growth, success, development, life, parenting, marriage, business, (use whatever word you like), will not get you to where you need to go next. This is why relationships end, brands die, people change jobs, stagnation happens. Everything is always changing, expanding, decomposing, and if you are not growing together, you are growing apart. It can be hard to let go of the old and embrace the new, but we are all changing all the time, so your tribe will see people come and go as part of the natural evolution of life. Don’t cry about it, just accept it and know that change is inevitable, growth is optional.

“What tribes are, is a very simple concept that goes back 50 million years. It’s about leading and connecting people and ideas.” Seth Godin

little imperfections

We were tiling the big walls in our small bathroom and as I looked at the 18 boxes of tile sitting there it was easy to get overwhelmed. Starting was easy, just spread out the goop and stick one up there. Practicing teamwork with James as he made the easy cuts, we were able to move quickly through the field and deplete most of 2 cases. Then we got to the window, and had to stop and think and measure and cut and cut again. This progressed through the day as we would blaze through the open wall area, then get to the inevitable spot where a whole tile didn’t fit. The bathroom at this moment sits half way complete, and from the right angle it appears perfect, but as is human nature, my eye gets drawn to the one tile in the corner that is protruding slightly further than the others, and the other one up top that looks like the cut happened on the wrong side.

When I was making wedding cakes I could always see the imperfections, the spots where the fondant had a small crease or the flowers were slightly larger or smaller, the marks from my spatula and the small cracks that could happen in the buttercream when transporting the cake. But curiously I was the only one who would notice. All the bride and groom and their guests would see is the completed masterpiece, my mistakes were invisible to them. The mistakes in the tile will disappear to all but maybe a few once the grout is in there, this I know from experience.

The tile job is a microcosm of any big endeavor I have undertaken. Its a myth that success happens overnight, its almost always a slow brick by brick process. I have a big project sitting in the inbox of my brain and thinking about it definitely can make me veer to overwhelm if I let it. I know that once I start it and enlist the right people to help me with it, we will progress quickly, then we will reach the inevitable spot where we need to test, shift, evaluate, and proceed again. I know it will be a success because my criteria for success is that we are adding value to our guests and opportunity to grow for our team. There will be mistakes, rather, there had better be mistakes. If we are not trying different ways of accomplishing the goal, learning, cutting, adjusting, we will never reach completion.

This is true for any project or company or vision or goal- the mistakes along the way are part of the process. Making the cuts and adjust and continue moving forward- no one else will see or remember the mistakes you make.

“A brand is a living entity, and it is enriched or undermined cumulatively over time, the product of a thousand small gestures.” – Michael Eisner, Walt Disney Company

settling down

We look at people who are living outside the norm, maybe its a young man dating a lot of women, or a woman choosing to focus on her career, or someone travelling the world instead of going to school, and we say “When they settle down, they will get married, or have a baby, or get a real job”. Why on earth would we ever choose to settle down, why don’t we settle up? Just the phrase has a negative meaning if you really think into it. Its saying to lower your expectations and become average. It implies that once you “settle down” you will have to give up what you had before. What if that is a crock of shit? What if you decided instead to settle up, to make the next phase of your life even more magnificent than yesterday?

I think too many people think that life has to be ordinary. That you lose the passion after a long time doing one thing, or being with one person. People talk about their glory days, or when I was younger, or before I had kids like it was the best of their lives. I know that the best is yet to come. I know that expecting today and however many tomorrows I am fortunate enough to have on this earth will be even more extraordinary than today. How do I know that? Because I expect it. I live as if it were true. I dream and stretch my imagination and know that no matter how old I am there is still so much I don’t know. I will never settle down. I am committed to always growing and stretching higher so I can fully experience all that this life has to offer me, and bringing as many people along with me as I can.

It doesn’t matter who you are, or how stuck you may feel, all it takes is a dream, a vision and a belief in your potential to continue to grow (and maybe a helping hand to give you a little pull!). I continue to take that hand when it presents itself to me. When I need a reminder of how great life is all I need to do is reach out and there it is, most of the time my amazing husband’s, but sometimes its the invisible hand of kindness with a stranger or someone on my team.

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living” Nelson Mandela

it’s lonely at the top…

…and other misconceptions. My earliest leadership examples were my parents. They treated the people who they employed like family. This felt right to me and it was the example that was modeled for me by my entrepreneur parents. They would have holiday parties at our home for their employees, help them out when they were in need, even taking people into our home to offer a place of refuge when they were in crisis. My model for business and leadership was shaped by what I saw my mom and dad do. My dad operated a communications business in our basement for much of my youth, so the coming and going of his techs was a common sight, and these 2-3 guys became a part of our extended family. When the business had grown and he moved it to a shop in another town it left a quiet spot where there had once been a hub of activity. When my mom was pregnant with my younger sister she was working as a seamstress at a shop that sold wedding dresses. The owner was getting ready to retire, and my mom made the gutsy decision to take over the business. Thus began my further education in entrepreneurial success.

My sister and I grew up in the bridal business, and our first experience with the excitement of being a business owner was when I was about 14 and my sister was 12. The retail clothing business has the problem of every changing inventory, leaving businesses with a constant overstock of “last year’s models”. My parents gave my sister and I the opportunity to take last year’s bridal dresses and set up a shop one block down from their own large retail store. The shop was tiny, about 250 square feet with a small counter, bathroom and one dressing room. The proximity to the main shop made it easy for us to walk back to check in with mom, and also to service the people who wanted a deal. We were only open limited hours, weekends and one or 2 days after school, but the best part was that we got to keep all the proceeds! We had to learn how to keep simple accounting, and it was our first intro into profits and expenses. It was empowering and exciting every time we made a sale. My mom’s philosophy was to always give the best service possible, that was her way of differentiating her business and preventing her products from being commodities, and we modeled this even as young girls in our tiny shop.

As we got older and more interested in the activities at school…and boys…our little venture became less important, and when we gave up the lease after 2 1/2 years I was ready to move on to other opportunities. I went to work with my mom in the bridal shop and began seriously training on learning the books. As a natural introvert, I liked this job. I liked sitting in a quiet office with the hum of activity around me, figuring out and balancing the sales and expenses for the shop. It was also a less favorite part of my job to sell. This was awkward for me, but as with many small businesses, we were often just a little short staffed on the busy weekends, so Saturday was a day I would be scheduled to work the front. This meant spending an hour to an hour and a half with an excited newly engaged bride and her entourage getting to know her and understand her vision for her wedding, then showing her dresses that fit that image. I am so blessed that my mom pushed me outside my comfort zone and that I had to practice the important skills of communicating and connecting during these sales shifts. She encouraged me and pointed out my natural strengths, while modeling herself the way to give great service.

When I decided to launch my own business, I used the valuable skills I had learned while growing up in a family business to form the outlook and philosophy for managing my employees. I had seen this work for my parents, and also seen where it made them vulnerable. I thought I would be different, and that I would not make the same “mistakes” that they had. There were some times in their business where their generosity and beliefs about the good intentions of all they interacted with caused them pain. There were situations where they were taken advantage of, when confidential information was not kept sacred, of blatant theft and deceit. I saw this but I thought that would never happen to me.

Unfortunately I was wrong. I have had situations where people I trusted broke the trust. After one situation that was particularly painful, I pulled back. I started to listen to voices that said “Keep your employees at a distance”, “Never get to close to your people”, “Keep business business and personal personal”. These voices seemed at the time to ring true. I had felt firsthand the pain of someone I trusted stealing money. I heard them share confidential information with outsiders. This felt personal. I zagged over to the opposite extreme of my upbringing and natural nature. I vowed to keep my people at arms length. It was all business and that’s that.

This unnatural behavior lasted about a year. Then I realized that the dissatisfaction I felt about going to work could be pinpointed on the shields I had put around my heart. “You have to touch a heart before asking for a hand”, a quote by John Maxwell, came into my in-box. A timely reminder of who I am. I love people. I LOVE PEOPLE. It is not lonely at the top if you bring people along with you on the ride. It is incredibly rewarding to be able to impact the people you work with, live with and lead in a way that enables them to see their own powerful ability to influence people they interact with. I continue to grow and learn every day with intention, and work to share what I have learned to help inspire others along the way. I am by no means done with my journey, and I know the best is yet to come!

communication

Communication is the foundation of leadership. Even bigger than that is communication is the glue in relationships. If you are not communicating with your team in an honest, clear and consistent manner the team will break down. This is where you get drama and grudges and conflict. You will stop learning, you will stop hearing, the team will stop communicating with you or each other.

If you are not communicating, people think you don’t care. A leader’s abilities can be measured by their skills at communicating their vision to their team. Does it have to be in words? Not always. Being a great at communication starts with being a good listener. It means taking time to hear what is being said, and to know what is left unsaid. It is being the living example of what you are working to create. You don’t have to be able to get up in front of a crowd and teach or preach to make a huge impact. It starts one person at a time.

a normal life

Why do we settle for normal? We judge so much by comparing to this standard of normal, or as I like to think, average. If I think about the people in my life that are truly making things happen, making a difference, creating and growing, they are nothing like normal. They are extraordinary. I am so blessed to know so many of these originals. They are people that are doing what they do, even ordinary things like gardening, painting, making coffee, or cleaning homes in an extraordinary way. They do the little extra things that bring the people they serve to email me personally about how lucky I am to have them on my team. They are the ones that bring such a positive energy to what they do, no matter how mundane the task may seem to be.

In this instant feedback time we live in I get real time updates on any missteps we make, and I know that it is always easier for people to complain than it is to give praise. So when someone takes the time to let me know how amazing their experience has been I value it 1000% over any complaint. You know the people I am talking about, the housekeeper who goes the extra mile and organizes your drawer, the painter who meticulously tapes off the area he is not painting, the barista who remembers your name and your drink order. How about the gardener who remembers your favorite flowers and plants those in your garden? The dishwasher who comes to the front of the restaurant to help clean tables? The server who serves you with an authentically happy self in spite of how busy they are? It may be the cashier at your regular grocery store, who is so happy to be there it seems impossible.

I have so many of these people in my life that it amazes me as I sit here thinking about it. They are not the big movers and shakers that we think about when we think extraordinary. They are not running Fortune 500 companies nor do they aspire to. But they are catalysts for change nonetheless. They are taking what they do and stepping it up a notch. That is all it really takes to set yourself apart, just that step above the line out of average to begin your journey to extraordinary.

“There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.” Roger Staubach

heaven on earth

We are creatures of habit. If you doubt this take a look at the way you drive to work every day, or the path you take around the grocery store. We like to think we are independent thinkers, and granted sometimes we are, but if we are honest, a lot of the time we are sheep. We are puppets to the unconscious self that is full of beliefs about how life is supposed to be. We are the test market for corporate marketing and the propaganda we see in the media.

Why do we think we have to work and then retire someday? What is the thinking that leads us to believe that someday we will have more time to do what we aren’t do now? What makes us think that we will even want to do the things we don’t have time for now?

Can you wrap your head round the thought that you will never have more time? You will always have just 24 hours in a day. Maybe you could argue that once your kids are grown or your finances are better of your job is different you will have more “free” time. And I guess from one standpoint this is true. When we are around my nieces and nephews I remember vividly those days when it seemed that my day was full to the brim with feeding washing and keeping safe the little ones that take so much of our energy. But what if you realized that you do have time. Accept that what is important will change, and that all of the dreams and plans and visions you have for what you would do if you had more time will and can happen. Just be patient. Enjoy the incredible buzz that happens when you are busy, and cherish the times when you can fit in the dreams that you have.

I look at these young humans who are taking all of this in, they are perfectly present and enjoying the joy of swinging on the swing and throwing rocks into the river and eating bacon with no thought to cholesterol. They don’t worry about what they want to do with their free time, they just live it.

When do we forget how to live like that?

“And he said: ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:13

What if this quote from the bible is meant to be a metaphor for how to live your life. No matter what your religious beliefs, this message has wisdom. If you become like a child again, forgiving, in the moment, joyous, you will find heaven (joy) right here right now.

followers

How do you describe a great leader? Is it one who has a lot of followers? or one who creates leaders?

If leadership is the ability to influence, to impact people in a positive way and they want to learn from you, be around you, you uplift them…then it would seem to make sense that a great leader has many followers. But here’s the thing, leadership is compounding. If you are adding followers they add on one at a time, but leaders who create leaders will multiply their impact by the sheer fact that you will also be an influence on the leaders and the followers they themselves are creating.

Great leaders take the time to connect with people, they invest their time and energy in the process of developing the leaders they are creating. They focus on people’s strengths, and know that to truly be successful they must help the people they are developing to succeed and meet their own goals and dreams. They understand that everyone is unique, and there is no cookie cutter way of communication, coaching and training. Everyone has their own speed and the more a leader understands the way to impact people, the bigger his (or her!) influence.