Author: Denica Freitas

backpacks

When James was in high school he and his friend Mike Zamzow went on a backpacking trip with the dads. Mike’s poor dad was trudging up that hill wondering why he was in such bad shape, lagging behind and huffing and puffing the whole way. They finally reached the summit and sat down to pull some beef jerky out and have a snack. Mike’s dad opens up the pack and reaches in, only to pull out lead weight after lead weight, as the other dad is chuckling beneath his breath at the joke. James learned that day to pack his own pack, he could have lugged a 4 course dinner up the hill had he traded the weights for something worthwhile. What if you put down the bag you are carrying. Take a look inside and see if you have been carrying lead weights up the mountain for so long that you don’t even realize it.

Someone hid them in your backpack and you thought you were carrying all you needed for the journey, but its all a practical joke played on you by the comedienne named FEAR. She isn’t trying to be funny, she really truly believes that you need to remember every mistake and painful experience you had in your life, so she engraved them on the bricks and put them in your pack and you have been carrying them along with you all the way up the mountain. From her perspective everything is out to get her. There are bad people and scary things that can happen. You can get your feelings hurt and your heart broken and feel embarrassment and loss and less than. She is so freaking scared of not being loved and of any discomfort that she holds on to every negative thing that has happened to you so that you can remember and avoid it next time. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. The bricks you carry are actually magnets. They are there in your pack, and they attract more of the same. Even the ones buried deep in the bag pull you into situations that remind you again and again what it feels like to be scared.

What if I told you that you don’t have to carry that stuff around anymore? What if you just put down the backpack, the one you didn’t even realize was full of fear, and felt the freedom and weightlessness of letting go? You can have the joy and lightness of a child, just let go of the fear. What is the worst thing that could happen? You could fall down, but you fell down before and got back up. You could lose everything, but you can’t lose yourself and your capacity to love and rebuild. You could fail, but you can learn.

everything is changing

One of the basic human needs that all of us share, although granted some of us more strongly than others, is the need for certainty. We like to know that the car will start, the double almond milk latte we order on Tuesday will taste the same as Friday’s, that our stock portfolio will be worth more in the future, that we will turn on the shower and hot water will come out. We get jobs, have relationships, teach our kids, train our employees, choose the cities where we live, even go into business for ourselves, and work to get our world in order. We coach and shuffle and move things around until we finally get to the sweet spot where its all operating “smoothly”. There you are, cruising along, albeit sometimes at high speed, and what happens? Life happens. The universe and the multitude of different people, personalities, nature…shifts and the unavoidable happens. Things change.

Change is the one and only thing that is constant. The world is always evolving, moving, shaking, growing, dying. I don’t know why it always catches me by surprise, but there you go. In the best cases it is subtle, and we don’t notice it daily, like aging and our kids getting taller, but the biggest struggles happen when we get caddywomped by a big one. You lose a big client, you get fired, the market crashes, you lose someone…Life.

Change is never painful, only resistance to change is painful. –Buddha

Unfortunately there is no shortcut around the pain that we feel when we have to alter our inner workings, change our psychology, accept the changes that happen whether we plan for them or not. You can read all you want but the only way out of the pain is through it, by feeling it and accepting the feelings, and remembering what we all know deep inside at our core, that change is inevitable. No matter how much money you make, how perfect you make your world, your level of success, things are always changing. No matter how painful it is, you can’t put the fire out by focusing your energy on it, that just feeds the flames and makes it grow.

Feel that fire and see that it has the potential to free you from your old beliefs, beliefs that you may not even realize you have, that you are not enough, that you don’t have enough, that you are not perfect just as you are. Remember that everything changes, and that you are not alone on this journey, we are all here with you, at different stages on the path.

journey to presence

I can look back at my entire life and appreciate and notice how everything I have experienced has allowed me to grow. Some of the most painful experiences are the greatest teachers.

I spent so much time and energy looking for the secret- how to be happy, not realizing it is just a choice. So liberating to get that. To realize that no matter what happens during this life experience, I an have peace and joy if I jut center myself, and remember that I am here to enjoy life.

The big revelation for me right now is to surrender. That means to stop resisting what is in my life. By resisting or having ANY resentment or negativity towards my current situation, I am blocking any transformation, and really perpetuating more of the very thing I am rejecting.

It is one thing to intellectually know something to be true, to read, learn study. That is all very right brained – to really know something you need to know it/accept it with your heart, or your true self. This means to surrender. You can never figure out how to do this with your mind, it is the examiner examining itself. The fish asking what is water.

The ego wants certainty – this is what keeps it safe.

We don’t realize we are powerful beings, and our reality is our own creation. Change the way you look at your life situations- attach a new meaning.

This is happening FOR me ((to learn and grow)) not TO me ((victim))

Everything is constantly changing. That is the only certainty there is. The world of things will always grow then die. The only thing that never changes is your true self.

listening

Listen more and talk less. Ask questions, become curious. Don’t ask why-ask how, who, what, when…
Be present when listening instead of formulating your reply. Listen to the gaps between the words, what is unsaid or implied.
When asked for advice, trust that the answer is inside them, and ask open questions that will help make them aware of their own answer.
Remember this.

perfectionists

“I am a perfectionist” was my badge of honor, what I would tell myself for years. I iterated this to myself and to other people as my secret ingredient that made me a good at the things I was good at. Imagine my surprise when I heard a mentor of mine say that perfectionism is the lowest possible standard you can have. What? How is that even possible? I denied it at first, but there was a seed of truth to his statement. When I dug deep down and looked at myself, I realized that my “perfectionism” had stopped me time and time again from taking action on my dreams.

This is the story that kept me trapped for the first 40 plus years of my life. This belief in the glory of perfectionism was in actuality a well versed cover up of the deep down dirt truth. The truth that I was scared out of my mind to fail. The unattainable standard of perfect that you can never reach by trying to get there. It is the perfect excuse not to start a business or launch something new. I needed to make sure that I had done ALL the research, and played out every possible scenario in my head or on paper or through endless discussion before going forward and putting the stamp of approval on something new.

This has caused me more grief than joy for sure, because paradoxically and thankfully my partner in life and business is the opposite of me in so many ways. He is impulsive and intuitive, and one of his favorite sayings is “Throw it at the wall and see if it sticks!” If you are anything like me, this will serve to drive you crazy. I took my job in our alliance very earnestly. It was my duty to look at all the downsides on any ideas we had. I parked myself firmly on the side that said “Convince me.” Only when he had (usually) worn down my defenses or I had done enough thinking and research to calm my fear did we go forward with anything new.

Back to perfection. Unlocking this truth that it is a trait or belief that is totally based on fear of failure was a huge insight for me. I remind myself constantly to do it afraid. The only way to perfect is to realize that everything is already perfect right now, perfect for you to begin accepting what is in your life today as the perfect environment for you to grow and learn and contribute more to this place we call home.

newborn

What made you great can be the one thing that is stopping you from getting to the next level.

At the beginning of any business the venture is like a newborn baby, needing your constant care, supervision and corrections. The mistake many operators make is to get stuck in the mentality of being the only one who can do what they do. The micromanaging that is not only needed but necessary to the survival of a newborn business can act as a trap that limits your ability to grow your company. It is vital to the healthy development of your business to learn to change your mindset to that of an owner, not an operator. Work ON the business, not IN the business. You can still be IN the business, but make sure you have someone with you at all times who you are connecting with, training, and developing into a leader.

We operated our business for over 12 years without a manager. You could say that James and I were the managers, but if I am totally honest with myself, we were ill equipped. We had the advantage of having the heart and the immense desire to succeed that thankfully carried us along to creating a successful business. But in those early years it was really grace that made it happen. As we progressed along and grew from a newborn business into toddler then teenagers, we were really like out of control 15 year olds, trying anything and everything without looking at any downside. I was the most guilty of the “do it all myself” mindset, and I remember night after night of waking up at 2 am with a start remembering that I had forgotten to order produce the day before. I would pick up the phone and rattle off from memory our order for that day, lettuce, tomatoes, avocado..

It’s not that we didn’t have help, we had amazing people working for us that were absolutely willing to do anything we asked, it was just my thought system that I had to do it myself. I thought it was too much to ask of someone else, I thought it was my job as the owner, I thought if I gave away my tasks what would I do? I thrived on being busy. Getting away from the business was so difficult, and when James would eventually drag me away for a much needed weekend off, it would take me hours to decompress and let go of the self created stress and worry. I would tell him “Its easy for you, your job gets done while you are away, mine just stacks and waits for me!” He would tell me, “Why don’t you just train someone to do it for you?” which would just push me further into my corner. He didn’t understand.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I began to think differently, but I think it began by listening to other voices. Why didn’t I listen to my husband, my business partner, the man I trusted? Not sure, but it was a conversation with another business owner that I think was the catalyst to the beginning of letting go. This mentor was a restaurant owner with 4 locations, at a time when I had only 1. Her path was similar to mine, and her story of burning herself out in her first location hit a nerve inside me. Like me, she had put her whole self into the business, working by day in the location, and by night working on the books and marketing and all of the thousands of other moving parts in any business. I think she knew a little more than I did about leadership, or maybe I am just a slow learner, because it didn’t take her long to realize what I was just beginning to see.

If you spend all your time working IN your business, who is working ON your business? The difference in that one letter in those little words is the difference between management and leadership. Between stress and fulfillment. Between chaos and growth. It meant letting go of the need to do it all and to truly believe that there is someone who can not only do it as good as you do but most likely better. I began training and delegating, and working on myself and the direction of my organization. The rest is history and is still happening.

What are you doing that can be done with 80% effectiveness by someone else?

leaders are learners

“Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.”- President John F. Kennedy

Leaders are learners. You must be continually focused on your own growth, and the growth of those you lead in order to truly be a great leader. The fundamental counterbalance for the learning is teaching, and this is where what we are learning really sinks in.

When I share what I am learning with my people, I begin to see the impact it has on them and the way they interpret it. As we filter the lessons through our own interpretations and pass them along, the lessons get ingrained in our subconscious. It is so exciting to see someone light up as they gain a new awareness of something inside themselves that rings true. The feeling we get when we learn something new that just sounds right. For me, learning looks like this- I hear or read or discover something, and it resonates with what I already know. Or maybe it is some new way of looking at an issue that I never even thought of before, and as I take in the learning, it goes into a spot inside me, kind of a holding place. There it waits for the double verification from life situations that prove it true.

Sometimes what I have learned will come to me at the perfect time when I am coaching someone I am leading. This inspiration is truly magical. I love it when what I am learning shows up to me in real life situations. I remember distinctly one lesson that showed up in a painful way. I was reading about the importance of connection and touching a heart before asking for a hand. This is usually my instinctual way of being, I love people and appreciate them for what they contribute to not only my organization but to the world we live in. But I am far from perfect, and obviously still learning.

I was making a quick visit to one of my locations, and as I walked up to the building my eyes touched on the tables that had not been set up, even though we were 5 hours into the shift. I entered the restaurant and noticed several tables that had not been cleared, and one table with 2 guests that immediately flagged me over. I approached the table, and greeted the couple who were regulars at one of my other locations. They were quick to provide me with feedback about their visit. They brought to my attention the dirty tables and their perception of the lack of urgency in the service. I am always grateful for feedback, even when it is constructive. I thanked them and assured them I would be addressing their concerns and providing training to my team.

So far so good. Then it went south. I went to the office and my first words to the supervisor on duty went like this, “Hi Susie, those guests just complained to me that there were dirty tables for the entire time they were sitting here and that there was no sense of urgency from the staff to clean and service the dining room. Also the tables outside are not set up, and it is already 11 am. The tables need to be set up at opening.” Whew. That was the first domino. I did a quick walk through and settled myself in the office to catch up on some paperwork.

About 10 minutes later one of my team members came up and asked me if they could speak to me. I welcomed him in to the office and shut the door. “Hey Denica, I just wanted to say that I have always tried to be open to all the managers I work for, and I have had some difficult ones for sure. But I am really having a hard time with the supervisor on duty today. She just came up to me and said, ‘You need to keep the dining room clean.’ I explained to her that I had been very busy taking care of the guests, and that I was doing my best to keep the tables cleared. Her reply to me was, ‘Well, its not good enough, you just need to work harder.’ I really don’t appreciate her way of telling me, when I make it my priority always to give the best service possible to the guest.”

This was the immediate lesson to me in real time about the importance of connecting first. The negativity that was my first interaction with Susie swiftly got passed along the chain. Sometimes the real life examples of what we are learning are not pleasurable, but they are reminders nonetheless. I shared this lesson with Susie once I realized it, and apologized for my approach with her. When we learn the lesson, share it, the value you give to the people you are sharing it with is exceeded only by the value of learning what you teach.

connecting

I love my computer and my phone. Rather I love what they give me, the convenience of being able to look something up on a dime and get reminders about my schedule and places I need to be. I love writing on my computer, I can just let it flow out without thinking about what I am writing, then go back, read my gibberish and correct my mistakes. To be totally honest I really like to get distracted with it as well. I find my Instagram feed strangely addictive, and I have to hand it to the developers of that little app for the skill they have at putting together the perfect combination of things that I am into. Colorful pictures of yummy food, inspiring quotes, my adorable niece and nephew, travel photos from beautiful places…its all there just for me.

The advances we have seen in technology over the past 10 years have brought us into more awareness of what happens all over the world in an instant. In my parents time, heck, in my youth even, you had to read about things that happened on the other side of the world in a newspaper, or tune into the evening news and see it there, after a delay. Now its instant, good or bad. There is no argument that this new awareness is good, however one of the sad side effects that I see everywhere, even in my own home, is the lack of human face to face interaction that can occur.

James and I went to LA last week to put our youngest son on a flight to visit my parents in Spain. As we were waiting at the airport I looked around at the diverse group of people who were coming and going, waiting and moving around the airport. Of those that were sitting, I estimated that at least 85% were on their devices. If you were to take a snapshot of that moment in time, it would appear that most people were flying solo. The exceptions were the mother and her toddler son, playing tug of war with the backpack, the young lovers embracing fervently as they said their goodbyes, the older couple who were dozing in their seats, and a few other random people. But for the most part, the look was the same. head and shoulders slightly hunched over, phone in their hands, gaze transfixed. You could justify this by the fact that people are bored and waiting, so looking for a distraction, but I see this behavior all the time. I saw it at the 5 star restaurant we dined at, groups of diners sitting around their table each on their own device, our kids in our home all sitting on the couch, tv is on, but no one is watching because they are all on their own personal iphone, samsung, google…

What if we put ourselves on a diet? Just like overeating, is there damage that is done by over-teching? What are we missing out on by being on our phones instead of being present with the person we are with? What if we started making connections with the person that is sitting next to us as we wait to see the doctor, or in line at the grocery store, or sitting next to us on that flight? Better yet, what if we took the time to really communicate with our kids, our partner, our parents? When is the last time someone looked at you directly and had a genuine interest in how you were doing, not just “Hi, how are you, fine, how are you” But “Hi! How ARE you? What’s your day been like?”

My challenge for myself, and for anyone who can see any value in what I am putting out here, is to become intentional about REALLY being here. Lose the distractions, put yourself on a tech diet. It’s ok to have an escape, not saying to eliminate it entirely. Just take a look at the amount of time you are spending in the zone of distraction, and work to push the ratio towards connecting with the amazing, diverse, interesting human beings that you come into contact in your daily life. Don’t ever underestimate the impact we have on each other, your kind words can be the difference in someone’s life between a rotten day and an amazing one.

conditions

The act of giving with no intent to receive anything back is the most profound thing we can do. I think the tendency to keep score is so subtle and hides so deeply inside our psyche that it doesn’t come into our awareness until we feel the scales have tipped too far out of balance for us. I think this is the root of many conflicts we have with the people we love. As long as things are groovy, and the other person is following our rules on how they “should act if they love us”, we are good with it. Once they break one of our rules, (which are our own self created definitions for behavior), how easy it is to fall into the trap of looking at the score. Breaking the cycle of this for that is the process of learning to give unconditionally. To give money anonymously, to do something kind for someone and not tell a soul, to say yes when someone asks for a hand without questioning if it will ever come back to you. These are the things we can hold only ourselves accountable for as we proceed through this life we are so blessed to live.

I am so blessed to have a partner who is such a perfect match for me, he loves me and supports me and has allowed me the freedom to grow and change throughout our relationship. I have also witnessed him growing and evolving as well with me. I’ll admit that for him the “rules of relationship” were much less strict than mine early in our relationship. We laugh now when he reminds me of when he learned about my “birthday rule”. I was raised in a very tight family, and birthdays were sacred. That meant a big party for the guest of honor, and all family members joined to celebrate. My sister and I had come up with the “birthday weekend” which then extended into the “birthday week”, during which the birthday person pretty much ruled and got to do whatever they liked- which usually translated in our family into spending time together with the people closest to us.

I remember the first year that James and I were together, and his birthday came along. He planned a big guys trip to the Black Rock Desert, with motorcycles and target shooting and all kinds of guy fun. I was quietly upset the week before as he planned it, but did not say anything to him about why. He intuitively knew something was wrong, but I was stubbornly resistant to telling him how I felt. My “rules” were that if he really cared about me he would want to spend his special day with me. AND that if he really knew me he should know why I was upset. I know that many people fall into these assumptions, that the partner we are with should know what we are thinking. We think that our rules are universal, and that they are absolute. We get into relationships with the belief that this person will not push our limits or make us upset. I was passive aggressive, meaning that I was in denial of being upset with him and treated him with a cool shoulder for an entire week after he returned. He finally broke through the ice and convinced me to talk to him. When I put into words how I felt it was ridiculous to hear myself. It was so selfish and the opposite of love that I was ashamed. I realized how much work I had to do still to learn to give unconditionally, to stop keeping score, and to truly love someone. I have been presented with many more tests throughout our relationship, and each one is a lesson and reminder to me of the way to love. You can read as much as you want about the way to love, but the real teacher is the process of making the decisions in every situation to give, to love, unconditionally.

motivation and resistance

When I was a runner, I realized that motivation was not something that you waited for. It is created by just doing it. Motivation comes when you want the payoff no matter what the work involved. There were countless times when the last thing I wanted to do was lace up my running shoes and head out the door. The only way I was able to continue on my training course was to close off the part of my mind that was telling me I don’t feel like running today, its too hot, I’m tired, I can skip a day… and just do it. This is easier sometimes than others, it helps to remember how great it feels after you are done.

Your inner saboteur can talk you into or out of anything. The voice in your head never goes away. As human beings we have a will that is stronger than the doubting fearful self that usually runs the show. How many times have you had an idea that was so inspired, you were excited and it felt right? what happens when you don’t act on it? For me it fizzles and dies due to lack of momentum. Maybe in your excitement you share it with someone, even someone who you trust and that loves you and cares about you. You forget the fact that everyone has their own independent world view, needs, and priorities. Maybe in their love for you, they project their own fears and give you all the reasons why you should not do something- they are well-meaning nay-sayers. Since they care about you, they don’t want to see you fail or get hurt. They can’t imagine a worse fate than failure.

We are creatures of unlimited potential for growth. Our lives, failures, and successes up until this point have perfectly prepared us for what we are currently experiencing in our lives. The challenges will come no matter what we do to create a perfect world for ourselves. It is up to us to look at each situation that makes us uncomfortable, scared, stressed, nervous, bored, angry, anxious or sad as opportunities to learn and grow.

The emotions that we identify as negative can only be defeated by love and acceptance. If you resist the negative emotion, you are feeding it more negative energy, which will take you deeper into the emotion!

When I feel what I perceive as a negative emotion, I have learned to embrace and welcome them. Feelings like uncomfortable and scared. These to my are messages that something new and unpredictable is coming my way. Something I have not done before, or that entails stepping outside of the self imposed boundaries of my comfort zone. These feelings come up for me when I need to deal with difficult people, people I perceive as being more successful than I am, when it comes to spending money, launching new business ventures, and more.

Stressed or bored are two sides of the same coin for me. I have come to realize that my life flows in a series of waves of these two emotions, with (longer) periods of flow in between. When I am stressed, it usually happens because I have a lot of projects or goals on my plate, and have not yet figured out how to get the help I need. Bored can happen when all the work I have done to make the stress disappear is successful, and the lack of stimulation can cause me to think “boredom”. I don’t fall into the boredom trap as much as I did in the past because I know that I have the ultimate power over my emotions. I can look at a quiet day as relaxing, I can add variety to my life in so many different ways if I truly need it. I can reach out to a friend and offer my listening ear. I can be grateful. I can get out there and move.

The most important thing for me to remember is that emotions are transient. They come and they go, just like leaves blowing in the wind, or clouds in the sky. If you grab onto them, they act like sticky sap, and attract more of the same. One constant in this life is change. When things are great, they will change; when things are bad, they will change. When we attach ourselves to things being a specific way in order for us to be happy, we are setting up for pain.

Find the place in yourself where you are real love and joy. This is your true state. You are perfect just the way you are. Love yourself first, and the love and patience you can give will multiply. That is the secret to a joyful life.

“I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”― Mother Teresa