“To blame someone for not understanding you fully is deeply unfair because, first of all, we don’t understand ourselves, and even if we do understand ourselves, we have such a hard time communicating ourselves to other people. Therefore, to be furious and enraged and bitter that people don’t get all of who we are is really a cruel piece of immaturity.” Alain De Botton
As we were driving home in traffic on Tuesday I noticed a white van driving kind of erratically next to us. My gaze was drawn over to the driver, who I saw flipping the bird to a car that had just pulled in front of him. As I commented to James about this guy, James put his blinker on to get over into the exit lane we needed. “Wow, that guy’s pissed about something, must have had a bad day.” This was going to put us in front of the white van, but there were few other options. As we put our signal on and changed over into the right lane, sure enough, we triggered another show with the angry driver of the van. He accelerated and pulled up beside us to give us a glaring stare and a wave of his middle finger. It was kind of humorous and also very sad that he was so upset about people driving in his lane. We joked about it “Don’t drive near me, this is my safe zone!”, but sheepishly remember times when we have also been aggravated about external things outside our control.
It reminded me that we are always attracting what we put out, and I think how sad that this guy is putting out “F-U”, so all he is going to get back is more of the same. The world operates as a mirror, and if you are spewing negativity, you will attract situations that reflect that reality into your life. If you are asking “Whats in it for me”, you will find yourself in places where the people or the universe is asking the same of you. Instead, if you are asking “how can I serve” and giving love, that is what you will attract back to you. Part of understanding ourselves involves looking at what we are putting out into the world.
If you are having issues with the people you are surrounded with, whether they are your kids, or your significant other, your coworkers, your boss…take a pause and look inside. Focus on understanding yourself, rather than the thinking and behaviors of others. The triggers, the things that annoy us, the things we judge in others…all of these are pointing to the same issues in ourselves. The reason we are bothered by these things is because we have work to do. I have a tendency to want an orderly, uncluttered environment (except my desk!), and it has been difficult sometimes as I get annoyed at my son’s messy room. You could argue that it’s my house, and I can mandate how he needs to keep his room, but what I am attempting instead is to understand that we all have very different perceptions, and maybe what I see as clutter, for him is familiar and comforting.
This work, the work of understanding ourselves, is what I believe is the foundation of all growth. You cannot give what you don’t have, so only by understanding and accepting ourselves can we truly do the same for others.
“One who understands others has knowledge, one who understands himself has wisdom.” – Tao de Ching