Category: personal growth

cycle of success

Do you ever look at someone who is what you interpret as successful at something you are not and think they are different than you? They must be smarter more educated luckier more motivated stronger younger older than you that is why they are where they are. I know I have and sometimes fall into still doing. The difference is their journey to get to where they are-the insane number of hours/rejections/labor/time to allow them to receive or achieve the level they are at. There is a cycle of success that involves a lot of tests. Tests that fail more than those that succeed. The key to success is to keep adjusting, test, fail, learn, improve, test again.

We have had a lot of failures along our journey, some small, some huge. Before we re-branded our company and changed our focus to unifying our brand as “Denica’s Real Food Kitchen” we were Denica’s Pastry Cafe and our expansion in Dublin birthed “Denica’s Taco Lounge” in the adjoining space. The two separate menus and the fact that we charged our early guests for chips and salsa were definite fails. The separate menus confused our guests, and diluted our brand. We were coming from a place of scarcity, we were really struggling financially in spite of what appeared to be a busy restaurant, which is why we did not even think of giving the free chips and salsa like we do now. We were busy operators, but had no infrastructure to be able to assess if we were actually profitable. Any cash flow went right back into the business, and James and I worked 7 days a week to keep the business running. Ingrained in my memory is the 21 day mark that when we would reach this point (of no days off) we would inevitably begin bickering and the smallest irritation could blow up into a huge argument. What we didn’t know then is that if you are coming from a place of scarcity, it only serves to create more scarcity. Especially when you are struggling to make ends meet, it is so life changing if you can reframe your mind and your heart to giving more. Once you can really shift yourself into the belief that you will always have enough and begin living from that place, everything begins to fall into place.

We have been very blessed all along the way because we really love what we do, and each other. I suppose it is rare to have a relationship that works on multiple levels, but we have always worked so well together both as a couple and as business partners. Our business and personal lives are intertwined and there are no divisions. The shift for me into abundance, especially at the time when we were struggling with finances, was the first step in creating the life of my dreams. The sacrifices we make to continue to be able to work together, and now together with our children, have been so worth it.

There have been many times over the past 18 years that I have been burnt out, and not wanting work on our business. I have burnt myself out to the point where I would have walked away from it all had I not had my husband who thankfully is my strength and support in my times of stress. Thankfully, those days have passed. I am learning to roll with the ups and downs, and to learn and grow during the downs in order to take the ups to the next level.

There are always sacrifices required with anything that we do, there is no shortcut to success other than to continue to act. Success is not a destination, it is a constant learning journey to define what success is for you. For me success is dreaming something and seeing it manifest, it is the joy of seeing my kids learn and grow, it is hearing the people that work with me in my organization teaching me leadership. It is stretching myself and always stepping forward across the invisible barrier that is the edge of my comfort zone, into the unknown where life really begins…

push pull peace

As I sit here at my desk contemplating my journey, I am aware of two thought processes that are pervading themes for me. There is the achiever part of me who wants to do be see more, and the at peace chill out you are right where you need to be part. For me my life becomes a balancing act of these 2. I fluctuate either daily, weekly, or by moments between avaricious periods of consumption and implementation of growing and pushing/being pulled towards a bigger better more future. And when that becomes too much, I find that I need to calm myself down by reminding myself of the lessons I have learned. Like you are right where you need to be. Relax, let go. You are already what you are striving to be. You do not need to be a better anything, you just need to remember the fundamental truths that you know but sometimes forget when you are in the push/pull place.

Truths such as always be true to your values. Speak up when something does not feel right. You live in a world of abundance. You will always have enough. Never ever sacrifice your integrity. Recognize that your “standards” are also your “rules” which don’t usually apply to other people’s world views. Be aware of any judgments you are making not only of others but of yourself. Be generous and kind and always give a hand when asked for help. Listen deeply. Speak less.

I love to learn, I love to grow, and I love knowing that I have available to me peace at any time I choose to look inward and listen to the calming voice inside. When I begin to feel dissatisfied or angst, I can come back to gratitude as a guide back to peace. It is an ongoing practice but so powerful to realize my own ability to calm myself. I don’t have to look to the outside, either through food, unhealthy choices, or “purging” my negativity on someone else.

Don’t get me wrong, in all honesty, its not easy sometimes. Especially when one of my many “thorns” gets triggered. These thorns are the deep rooted issues that I am still working on always, such as the happiness of my children, the approval I still seek from my mother, and my abandonment fear. A light touch of the thorn I can usually let flow through me, but not always. They normally will create a ripple effect that brings up self doubt and really take hard work to get back to my center. Unfortunately I will usually resort to one of my external ways of seeking relief, most often unloading my rant or ramble of fear and upset on someone close to me. I am so blessed and grateful that I have a loving circle of support who are usually able to hold a place for me while I work to release the negativity, and they help me remember what really matters.

Love. Acceptance. Love.

giving

Today I received a compliment today about my gray hair. After I shaved my head last year I decided to stop coloring my hair and let it grow out naturally, which for me means a strong streaking of white interspersed with my naturally dark brown/black hair. My sweet husband had been badgering me for years to stop coloring my hair, and to let it be naturally how it was. I was never brave enough to do this, and said “I will only go gray if I shave my head!”, never really intending to actually shave my head. But life manifested for me the choice to shave my head and follow through on my statement. As my hair grew out, my natural gray streak that had been with me since I was about 12 had spread to include much more gray than the one inch spot I had embraced for years.

Looking at myself in the mirror with gray hair has been an adjustment, and a battle with myself to let go of the image of myself I had held. The support I have gotten from random strangers, friends, and family has been incredible, and when I am feeling sad or less than beautiful, I am always amazed that someone will bless me with just the words or message I need to bring me back to acceptance. For me it has been letting go of holding on to youth as I had defined it in the past and accepting with dignity the new lines and gray hair that my life- 50 amazing years on this planet have earned me. Youth is a feeling, and when I look at 86 year old Madonna Buder who is completing Ironman races, I know that there are no limits to what I can do other than those I place on myself.

However, I notice and wonder why my first reaction when I receive a compliment is doubt. I wonder if they are just saying that to appease me or because somehow on some level they sense my insecurity. My son was with me so I shared this with him, as well as my thoughts about the unreachable standards and pressure of beauty that women receive on a constant basis from the media. His reply made me pause and think, because he said “Well, men never/rarely get compliments.”

I pause to look at my beliefs about men, such as that they are more confident than women, and don’t need the more frequent reassurances that I seem to need. This brief reminder from my 15 year old wise son inspire me to think differently, and to focus yet again less on me and more on others. To share the compliments and positive thoughts I have about those I meet. To tell my sons and husband how handsome, kind, strong, and generous they are. To tell the woman serving you at the restaurant she is beautiful. To thank the front desk for their kind service. To give to others what I think I need myself, and through giving the love and support feel the joy of lighting someone up. We all need to know we matter. We all want appreciation. We all need love. Men, women alike, we are all spiritual human beings with the same needs. Hold it inside and it will never fill you up. Share what you have and it will double/triple and more.

listen to your drumbeat

“Be what you are and say what you feel, because those who will mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”-Dr. Suess

There is such a pressure to conform, to follow the predictable path of school, then college, then marriage, strive, buy a home, have kids, working for years, retiring…just because that is what people do. We are taught in school to follow directions, to take our breaks, to be somewhere that some of us don’t want to be because we have to. Not discounting the positives, like how to interact with our peers, how to deal with difficult people, staying busy and productive while mom and dad are working, and of course much more. We look forward to the future date when we will have more time, more time to do what we really want to do.

I am what some would call a non-conformist, though I do have the SUV, the house, dogs, kids…but I didn’t go to college, and I have not placed any urgency on leading my kids to go either. I am teaching my children how to think for themselves and listen for their own drummer. At this point none of them have chosen the traditional path that I was raised to believe was the best path. There are at last count over 7.5 billion people on this planet. To me that means that there are most likely just as many roads to success, joy, and fulfillment.

I believe my job is to guide them away from danger when they are headed that way, to keep them safe when they are too young to know how for themselves, and to teach them how to think, not what to think. My kids don’t belong to me. They are unique amazing beings that I have been blessed to have in my life. They alone know what is best for them. My job is to listen, to give them the freedom to figure out for themselves what path they want to take, to help them with course adjustments if they are headed down a less empowering path, to support them in their journey, and to learn from them as much as I teach them if not more. They are in the position to be my greatest teachers. In my process of learning to let go of the need to control, they give me ample opportunities to test my intentions by taking daring steps that trigger all kinds of emotions inside me.

The most difficult challenge for me this far has been with one of our children who has made decisions about how they want to live their life that takes them away from us in more ways than one. This one has made dis-empowering choices about what to put in their body and who they choose to allow to influence them. It teaches me yet again that I have no control over anything other than my own emotions and my own reactions. As parents we want to shield our children from pain, but pain is sometimes a necessary teacher. I continue to pray every day for all of the 5 amazing souls I am blessed to call my kids, and trust that they will come through their pain and trials stronger and wiser. I hold a place for them always in my heart of love and acceptance of who they are as spiritual beings, no matter what their choices are in their life at the moment. I trust that the love I send them at every moment will help to give them strength when they are low, and I have faith in their own resilience and inner wisdom to guide them to the empowering path that they were meant to follow. I am blessed.

permission

“Change isn’t made by asking permission, change is made by asking forgiveness, later.” – Seth Godin

What is the difference between you and the people you look up to as movers and shakers? They have made the decision to take massive action on the ideas they have. They have a belief in what they are doing and don’t let self doubt sabotage their dream. They have made the decision to do it afraid. They are not only willing but anxious to step outside their comfort zone. There are tremendous rewards to pushing yourself out of the safe zone, most people won’t. They may dabble and stick a toe in, but sure enough, without the knowledge and belief that nothing worth doing is easy, they will invariably pull back like a snail back into his protective shell.

I am speaking from personal experience here, as I have fought to stay on many occasions in my self made prison of the comfort zone. It is only as I have learned through investing in my personal growth and the daily practice of reflecting that I have learned to see how the steps I took without permission, despite my fear, have reaped the most amazing and fulfilling rewards in my life.

“Everything worthwhile is uphill. No one ever coasted uphill.” John Maxwell

slow down

Life is always sending us messages, feedback if you will, on how our actions are impacting the world we live in. Honestly, most of us are unaware. We struggle with stress and anxiety, and are so caught up in our own heads that we fail to see clearly the path of least resistance.

When I was pregnant with my youngest son, we were very deep in the operations chaos stage of our business. We had just opened our cafe the year before, and were really struggling with how to balance 3 young kids at home with a growing little business. We were blessed to have customers, but at this stage in our growth, th success of the company was totally dependent on the presence of my husband and myself. The people we had working for us were the supporting cast, but we were playing the lead.

The stress was compounded by the fact that I was expecting our 5th child as well. This was not an easy pregnancy for me. I was struggling with my body image and the pressure of not only nurturing our new business, but continuing to make special order wedding cakes, and give time and love to my kids and husband.
Etched in my memory is one Sunday morning that I got a harsh reminder to slow down. I had unintentionally slept in, exhausted. The phone rang and it was James, my husband. “You need to get down here right now, I am slammed and trying to cook and wait on people at the same time” I heard. I leapt out of bed, not bothering to take a shower, threw on my clothes and raced out to my car. The sun was shining at the horizon, bright and blinding. I jumped into my little red Jeep Cherokee and sped off.

As I turned left on the street that would lead me to the restaurant, I was headed east, right into the sun. I leaned over to the far side of the passenger foot area to grab my sunglasses, in the process causing more acceleration. In my rush to leave, I had forgotten to put on my seatbelt. What happened next seemed to be in slow motion as I reflect back. The combination of acceleration, my hand turning the steering wheel slightly to the right as I leaned over to get the glasses, and BOOM. I plowed myself into the back of a flat-bed pickup truck. My chin hit the steering wheel and I was stunned and terrified, but I was alive.

What ensued next is a blur, ambulance, icu, tests, thank God my baby is ok…but the message I received was clear as day. Nothing is as important as being aware of the world you live in. Keep your head present and clear. Slow Down.

your voice

The opportunity is coming are you going to be ready?

There is an audience that your voice resonates with. You can’t be all things to all people- find your voice.

There are people who are waiting to hear from you. Live what you communicate. The character of the messenger is what will be heard more than the message.

your body

One week into my shoulder injury pain and I realize there is a lesson for me, many in fact.

The first one is that life takes time. You can’t rush certain things, healing most especially. More deeply I realize that by fighting the pain, either through painkillers or my psychology, just makes the pain worse and doesn’t get rid of the issue. I need to continue to give love to my body, to take care of it and to stop judging what I perceive are my imperfections.

For our time here right now we are given one body. If we give it love not judgment, and fuel it well, it will continue to operate at prime performance for us. If there is a part of your body you have not given love to, start now. Love your long toes, they are on the feet that so efficiently get you from here to where you want to go. Love your hands, they let you write and cook and caress and hold hands. Love your crooked teeth, they work just fine to bite into a juicy, sweet apricot.

Hold yourself kindly and lovingly. Forgive yourself for the fear that has sometimes controlled your actions. Know that you have always done the best you can do at the moment. It is only in retrospect that we judge our own actions. Stop Now.

abc’s

I was not prepared to remember this acronym days later, but I have to say, it really stuck. It reminds me about the inner saboteur that lives in my head. I haven’t listened to her droning nagging in a long time. I think I was lulled into thinking that she was gone for good!

She occasionally will still pipe in, but her voice is weaker and is usually just an irritating annoyance. Actually it really makes me curious when that self doubt starts chiming in, what is she so afraid of anyway?

Just when I have things figured out and am rolling forward on an important vision, up comes the fear just like acid reflux. Sometimes its really obvious, like “What makes you think you can do that? Look at her, she is way more together than you, and she’s still trying to figure it out.”, or “You’ve just been lucky.” and “You’re not as good as people think you are” But as she gets ignored, she has become sneakier and more subtle in her strategy. She tries to convince me that I didn’t want to anyway. Yup, straight works to talk me out of whatever goal or vision or dream that I am pursuing so hotly. “You don’t want to really do that anyway, its too hard! Life is good, be present, forget striving” All great advice, but the intent behind it when coming from the saboteur is pure doubt and fear.

So I’m at this function, and the speaker has some good messages, but I am so distracted analyzing her delivery and wondering why she is not telling more personal stories, that I almost missed this jewel of wisdom. She told a story of a professor she had that was a very confident, well dressed and successful woman who seemed to always have it together. As she graduated college, she asked the professor for a few words of advice. “Professor, what advice do you have for me that can help to set me apart as I enter the work force?” The professor looked at her and said, “My only advice is always remember your ABC’s” She looked at the professor blankly, who then elaborated, “Always Be Confident. In all of your interactions remember to always be confident. That is the key to set you apart and ensure your success in life.”

As I drive home from the event, I am getting lured into the venus trap of doubt. The new vision that is percolating in my heart and mind is getting pelted with negativity and distrust. Suddenly, ABC pops into my consciousness. Always Be Confident- and the cloud lifts.