Author: Denica Freitas

hungry angry lonely tired

One of the tools I use when I feel myself getting aggravated, frustrated, upset or when someone that is close to me is giving off negativity is to asses my state. Am I hungry? (or thirsty!), angry, lonely, tired? All of these states can conspire to make the less desirable part of me rise up and react to whatever happens to be triggering me at the moment.

I have to give credit to my husband James for this tool, which originated in our early parenting years when we were learning how to manage our 5 kids. Discovered early on that most of the upsets between them happened when they were hungry or tired. It was key to keep them well rested and to have healthy meals and snacks available for them at all times. It took thinking ahead and a lot of teamwork to give our kids the attention, love and care they needed to be happy, healthy individuals.

James and I have figured out that we do best when we are together. Loneliness can creep in even though we live, work, sleep and eat together, unless we make dedicated time to really be present for each other. This usually translates into an overnight getaway every couple of months, with smatterings of coffee on the porch and deep conversations in the garage sprinkled in to reconnect, check in, and really hear the other person.

Anger is not a place I go to frequently, but when I do, it for sure has gotten triggered because I have let something fester and not communicated with someone about what is going on. Checking in frequently with myself and my state (How am I feeling right now?) is my method for staying in touch with myself.

Try this next time you are feeling at odds with someone or something in your life take a moment to asses your state, take a big drink of H2O, and ask yourself if you are hungry angry lonely tired.

success

"The essence of leadership is being aware of your fear (and seeing it in the people you wish to lead). No, it won't go away, but awareness is the key to making progress." - Seth Godin

If you are successful at something you can be successful at anything. What defines success is different for everyone, but the mindset we have when we are successful at anything can be carbon copied and lead us to success in any area we focus on.

The world has no shortage of ideas, even great ideas, but what makes one a success and others destined to stay in the nowhere zone of our minds or conversational fodder? Fear is the big inhibitor. It is a hard wired state of being that we all have. Don't get me wrong, fear has its purpose, it is part of our survival instinct, it keeps us from walking up to a saber toothed tiger to offer him a treat, and from nearing the edge of the cliff where one misstep could take us tumbling to our demise. But most of us are very blessed to live in a place where we don't have to worry about our very survival on a daily basis, though the media would tell us differently. That's (media) a whole other topic that I'll save for another day.

The somewhat crazy sector of us that are taking action and achieving successes are not immune to fear. We are just convinced that our ideas are worth facing the fear for. We are moving forward with the end in mind. We know that we are pushing our comfort zone, and we embrace it. We know that we have a product or service or story that will fill a need or help people. I used to say that failure was not an option, but a wise mentor of mine recently said "If failure is not an option, then neither is success"

This shed another layer of understanding for me on fear, failure, and success. Moving forward in the direction of our dreams does not mean having blind confidence that you will succeed, it means feeling the fear, knowing that you don't have all the answers, and taking the step anyway. Here's how in 3 simple steps.

-Step 1 Feel the fear, but attach a different meaning to it. I love acronyms because they are anchors for me and bring me back to what I know.
FEAR- False Evidence Appearing Real
FEAR- Feeling Excited And Ready
Step 2 Failure - know that this is a possibility but only if you fail to learn from it, make adjustments, and keep moving forward
Step 3 Take Action

What are the thoughts processes that go through your mind when you are successful?
Are you in the zone or in flow?
Did you have a strong idea of what success was going to look like in your mind?
Is success tied to what other people think of you?
Can you acknowledge the perceived failures you have experienced as stepping stones along the road to success?

planting seeds

Weeds start small, and can be plucked out if you catch them when they are still young. I know from my own garden that if I don’t pluck them after the rain when the soil is soft and the weeds are small, they will quickly grow deeper roots and be harder to dig out later. Its always amazing to me how easily I can pull them when the conditions are right. When I wait too long, and the sun has given them the energy to grow and also dried out the dirt so they are anchored more deeply, it requires serious surgery to dig them out. Out must come the shovel, and for sure I better have gloves on if I want to save my manicure. Even if I succeed in removing them, often all that happens is that the tops will break off and the root remains buried beneath the surface, ready to sprout again.

Our subconscious mind is like fertile soil, and if we are not conscious of this then weeds will grow automatically. Weeds in our mind are the negative and fearful thoughts that cause us to feel scared, insecure, not enough, anxious, stressed, sad, unfulfilled, depressed…the list is long. They get planted in our mind no matter what, by judgments other people make on us, information overload from marketers telling us we need this or that to be happy. Look at the ads they have for phamaceuticals! They are all pointing out the imperfections that we may be experiencing with our bodies or our emotions, and telling us that we are not enough and need “a pill” to fix us.

If you plant the garden of your mind with the seeds you want to grow, they can and will drown out the weeds. Maybe not all of them at first, but if you are consistent and diligent with feeding your mind positivity and empowering thoughts and information, soon you will have a garden full of beautiful flowers of every color!

Don’t get me wrong, there will always be a stubborn weed, or negative belief, trying to get through the soil. You may think all is roses and you have finally figured out the secret of a happy, stress free life, and sure enough, one of those stubborn dandelions that broke off the top only will sprout some leaves. This can take you by surprise, in your zen life, all peaches and cream. You may say to yourself -“I thought I already dealt with this?! Why am I getting tested or triggered again?”

Thus is life. Series of ever evolving opportunities to choose to learn and grow from our experiences.
Plant the seeds of love.

* Pray every day and give thanks to God for one more day to be on this planet experiencing all the beauty and variety that we have.
* Do something to enrich your mind- read or listen to something that will inspire you to be your highest self.
* Truly listen when people are talking to you, instead of formulating your reply
* Give- be generous with your time, praise, love, resources
* Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that life is a process, the joy is in the journey
* Be grateful- life is abundant and will give you exactly what you need at the present moment to further your spiritual growth

try

Try is a word that we don’t use in our family. We have associated the word try with failure to do. The old Yoda adage “Do or do not, there is no try.” I was explaining this thought process to one of my managers today, and was looking for a way to explain to him what I was talking about , because it is a mindset. A way of framing your thoughts so that you are no longer trying, but doing. You are always doing, as a matter of fact. When you call it trying it is just that you have not risen to the level you are able to, or shooting for.

For example, I can say or think I am trying to be a good mother, and there are few who would argue that statement. Instead, I think I am a good mother. I am not perfect, but I always do my best to show my kids I love them and giving them the freedom to be who they want to be.

I am trying to be a better leader becomes I am a great leader. There are many things that make me so, the evidence of it is in the amazing caliber of people that are working in our company. I know that I have strengths, which I am constantly focusing on improving, and weaknesses. I surround myself with people who are strong in areas that I am not. I don’t have to be everything and see everything. This is why I have a team.

I am so grateful that in my love I have found the perfect complement to me. He is a great leader who naturally connects and who has immense vision and forethought.

working class parents

There is no shame in being in the working class. Some parents put their own expectations on their kids to “do better than I did” or to do more. There is nothing wrong with wanting more for your children, I do too. I want them to have more strengths than I have, and I think that truly accepting your self and your children as unique and divine individuals means to value the gifts that you have given them by being a hard worker. There is no shame in raising your children to do what you have done, to make their way by thinking for themselves. To follow their own drummer and not work so hard to please me.

I celebrate their diversity, I love that they don’t ask for my permission or approval. I am in constant practice to Let go when it comes to my children. They are amazing unique, brilliant and beautiful souls. Each one is different in their wants, needs, likes and dislikes, but they all have such real and deep love inside them, and are fiercely loyal to each other and to me.

No matter how I attempt to stay impartial, the love and pride I feel for these young humans is immense, and I cannot fathom how they came to being through me and my love. I am so honored and humbled that they have come into my life, and that I am learning to communicate in different ways with each of them. I have a deep connection with them all and it is sometimes difficult for me to stay neutral when all I want to do is keep them safe.

I know it is no longer my job to do that. My job with them now is to be present for them, to accept them in all of their crazy ups downs sideways and cartwheels while holding a space for them of love and curiosity.

I am here to offer support not solutions.

leadership

Before I became aware of what leadership is, I was a follower. I did have very strong leadership ability latent in my being, and the ability to engage people to follow and support me, but I really did not know why that was. People will naturally follow a leader that is stronger and more equipped than them, and my love and partner James is a very influential natural born leader. I followed him for a long time, and continue to follow him as we take turns leading our family and our organization in our areas of strength.

When I started to look at myself differently, as an empowered person who has achieved or exceeded every youthful dream, my hunger to lead blossomed and grew. What I believe about leadership now is much different as a leader than it was when I had the mindset of a follower.

Before I saw myself as a leader, I thought that stronger leaders were better than me. They knew more, they had more resources, more innate talent, more ability, more opportunity, more choices…more more. In other words, I had less. It was a mystery to me how easy it appeared for these higher level leaders to do what they did. Things just seemed to be so much clearer to them and people were always there to support them.

Being an analytical thinker, I spent a good chunk of time trying to figure out and searching for what makes a great leader. As I did this, I began to uncover and discover in myself many of the qualities I admired in the leaders I was following.

Leadership is influence. It is the ability to connect and inspire. It is a process, not a destination, and it grows with every decision you make. Great leaders have the ability to see the big picture, to look ahead and see where they want to go. They love people and want to see them succeed and reach their own full potential.

Every person has strengths and weaknesses, and a great leader knows the power of having people who complement their own skills. Like a human body, we could not function if we were all heart, or all lungs, or all spleen. We need all of them to be alive. Leaders know their strengths and surround themselves with people who share their values but also have strengths in their areas of weakness.

Ultimately it is all about the mindset, the way you identify yourself which changes the view from which you are looking out into the world. It means referring to yourself when you speak and when you think as what you want to be. It means knowing that the doubting voice in your head is not working in your best interest. It means you have choices about what you believe about yourself. It means consciously choosing every moment to believe the best about yourself and what you are not only capable of, but required to do.

As a leader you have a great responsibility to those you lead. Your love for those that are following you should always remain forefront in your heart. Helping them to change their own mindset and see their immense power is the greatest gift you can give.

thank you

Let this prayer be the first thought and the last thought as you go from wake to sleep and back. Use the time right before going to sleep to tell your subconcious “I am blessed. Thank you for my life. Thank you for my family, thank you for my dogs, thank you for the growth, the knowledtge, the wisdom.” When you awaken, embrace that sweet peace of no thoughts, guard your mind and say thank you for another day to enjoy this physical world.

Meditate on being open to the guidance that is always there for us if we will just get out of the way.

take action

One of the challenges I have had is in taking the information and ideas that I have and turning them into action. It is great to dream and be inspired, but if you don’t speak it and set actionable goals, they can remain forever lost in the loop of your mind.

In this day of distraction and immediate satisfaction, it is so easy to look at the next shiny ball and outside yourself for stimulation. Setting intentional goals and giving yourself a time line for completion will help you reach your goals more quickly, and be able to move on to bigger and more impactful things. Accountability is key.

Think it-it starts with a thought or ideal
Dream it-let it play out in your mind, imagine its journey and success, but don’t get caught up here- this is a seductive place to stay where you can imagine it as being done and never take action
Speak it-say it out loud to someone, ideally many someones
Do it-commit to the first step, repeat, repeat, repeat