Category: spirituality

“She is unapologetically herself” is so appealing to me. Hearing it has me thinking about the image we have of ourselves and how it drives our actions, our thoughts, our beliefs. It is all tied to our being caught up in other people’s opinions of us. The fact is that we are not who we think we are, we are who we think other people think we are. You may have to read that again to wrap your head around it, I know I did.

We can never get into another person’s head and see what they see, so the projection we have of ourselves is filtered through our own eyes, our own experiences, our own perception. I am always surprised when I hear myself being described by someone, positively and negatively. It’s much easier to say that you don’t care what other people think than it is to get there, I am there in theory but in real life I’m not. I get tested time and time again. A few years ago I had an exiting employee tell me I was selfish and greedy because I did not let them work overtime. No matter how I attempted to explain to him the facts about running a healthy business with over 80 employees, I could not change his views. Why did his opinion of me strike a nerve? I know that what other people think of me is none of my business. I know that his opinion is based on his own world view and life experiences. I know that I operate from abundance, yet it still hurt. My image of myself and who I really am at my core is love and generosity and giving. I work and practice and write and read and talk and dream and pray and live this.

But selfish and greedy. That was his view of me. This interaction caused me to turn my awareness inward and to look deeply into myself, and to see that there absolutely have been times in my life where I have acted selfishly. Maybe this is why it hit a nerve. I needed to look at that part of me that has sometimes run the show, the selfish, scared, victim part that can justify anything, who needed to be stay in retirement.

There will always be people that don’t agree with the way you parent, or drive, or your political views, or how you run your business, or spend your money, or live your life. We are so caught up in ensuring that we don’t stray from the image we have of ourselves as a “good father, good husband, good man” that it can cause us agony when we feel the polarization that is caused with people when you are being true to who you really are.

We are dealing with this right now, having had to make a so very hard decision that we believe is the right decision. Although we are strong and firm in our belief that we are doing the most loving thing, albeit the most difficult thing for this person by letting them fall down and hit bottom, the harder part for our hearts has been, even now, with our increased awareness of ourselves, the opinions of other people. Specifically people that are close to us and as a result of relationship have more ability to touch the thorns that are still deep in our hearts.

So we come back to being unapologetically ourselves. To being consciously aware of our actions, and to remember that you can’t expect everyone to agree with you or approve of you or like you or think you are great. To work to detach yourself from the good opinions just as much as the harsh ones and to become more self aware, and to always act with love.

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.”― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

I discovered the Tao Te Ching 2 years ago, and spent about 7 months reading and reflecting on the 81 short verses in this ancient Chinese book of wisdom. It is so mind blowing to me that the messages in this book that was written in 4-6 b.c. are so relevant to us still in this 21 century. We are born with infinite knowledge of the true nature of life, yet as we grow and mature we forget our innate nature and need to re-learn all over again how to be fulfilled and at peace. There are so many guides and teachers that are available to us to remind us of the way, it can be confusing and overwhelming to know our path.

When I was studying this text I focused on living and reflecting on the verses for 2-3 days before moving on to the next one. As I intentionally took the time to look into my self, I began to be aware of a voice inside me. This was a different voice from the one that is in my head. You know the Head Voice, we all have it- its the doubting, negative, fearful one that wants to pipe in at any opportunity. No, this voice was quieter, and seemed to come from a different place in my body. It spoke softly but with calm and certainty from a place I can feel below by heart, from as my gut.

When I began to notice this voice, I recognized it. It was the voice that spoke to me when I had conviction and belief in something. But somehow I had more often than not discounted it, or ignored it due to the loud Head Voice that drowned it out. Once something comes into your awareness, however, it is very difficult to ignore it and to go back to ignorance. Once I noticed the Gut Voice, it became a little bit more persistent. Not louder, just made itself heard more frequently.

I was confused. I didn’t know whether to trust that Gut Voice, I had already learned that the Head Voice was always going to tell me to pull back and protect myself, but I didn’t know what the Gut Voice’s motivation was. How did I know if it was the Gut Voice I was hearing or the sneaky Head Voice disguising itself? This may sound crazy, but I was still learning how to trust myself. I am a thinker. I like to figure things out, and this can be a benefit and a curse, depending on the situation. I needed to have an answer key for myself to help differentiate between the voices. They were all me, that was the problem. My cheat sheet when I am hearing both voices is to ask myself- “Is this message coming from LOVE, or is it FEAR?” The Gut Voice, my intuition, always acts from love, and conversely, the Head Voice, speaks fear.

I am learning still to pause and listen, and choose Love instead of Fear. I trust my intuition, and if the choice is not clear, I know the time is not right to make the decision. When the time is right the path is clear if you listen to your intuition.

“Muddy water, let stand, becomes clear.”― Lao Tzu

One of the basic human needs that all of us share, although granted some of us more strongly than others, is the need for certainty. We like to know that the car will start, the double almond milk latte we order on Tuesday will taste the same as Friday’s, that our stock portfolio will be worth more in the future, that we will turn on the shower and hot water will come out. We get jobs, have relationships, teach our kids, train our employees, choose the cities where we live, even go into business for ourselves, and work to get our world in order. We coach and shuffle and move things around until we finally get to the sweet spot where its all operating “smoothly”. There you are, cruising along, albeit sometimes at high speed, and what happens? Life happens. The universe and the multitude of different people, personalities, nature…shifts and the unavoidable happens. Things change.

Change is the one and only thing that is constant. The world is always evolving, moving, shaking, growing, dying. I don’t know why it always catches me by surprise, but there you go. In the best cases it is subtle, and we don’t notice it daily, like aging and our kids getting taller, but the biggest struggles happen when we get caddywomped by a big one. You lose a big client, you get fired, the market crashes, you lose someone…Life.

Change is never painful, only resistance to change is painful. –Buddha

Unfortunately there is no shortcut around the pain that we feel when we have to alter our inner workings, change our psychology, accept the changes that happen whether we plan for them or not. You can read all you want but the only way out of the pain is through it, by feeling it and accepting the feelings, and remembering what we all know deep inside at our core, that change is inevitable. No matter how much money you make, how perfect you make your world, your level of success, things are always changing. No matter how painful it is, you can’t put the fire out by focusing your energy on it, that just feeds the flames and makes it grow.

Feel that fire and see that it has the potential to free you from your old beliefs, beliefs that you may not even realize you have, that you are not enough, that you don’t have enough, that you are not perfect just as you are. Remember that everything changes, and that you are not alone on this journey, we are all here with you, at different stages on the path.

It is so easy to get caught up in regret or looking back at decisions and choices you have made and long to do it over again a different way. This happens even if you believe that we always make the best possible decisions at the time with our current state of awareness. It’s only looking back through our wiser eyes, after we have seen how the scenarios play out, that we can get sucked into the no-win game of wondering if we should have done things differently.

The process of learning to love myself has required me to forgive myself for the things I wish I had done differently. The catalyst for me on the journey to truly love myself was realizing that no matter how deeply and much I love my children, my husband, my family and friends, it was always going to be less than until I started here, inside me. If I am continually judging myself, comparing myself, finding myself short of where I think I should be, how can I ever truly love unconditionally?

The most profound act of forgiving myself happened out of the blue while helping my sister in law move. I can only think that it was a moment of divine intervention, because I have not memory of any outside cause or trigger for the moment that changed my life. 10 years after my divorce from my first marriage, in one moment forgave myself for ending the marriage. In releasing the guilt and shame, I was able to see how carrying that blame had colored every action until that point. My relationship with my kids, their dad, my husband, my family, my employees…basically everyone I met, was built on the twisted concept that I was a quitter, I was selfish, I was a failure.

I remember the immense lift of my soul at the moment of forgiveness. I felt light. I was light. There is no cookie cutter answer to how to get to that moment, but the first step is to look inside yourself and see where you are blaming and judging yourself for your past. The greatest gift you can give is to release yourself from regret and self judgment, so you can do the same for everyone else.

Weeds start small, and can be plucked out if you catch them when they are still young. I know from my own garden that if I don’t pluck them after the rain when the soil is soft and the weeds are small, they will quickly grow deeper roots and be harder to dig out later. Its always amazing to me how easily I can pull them when the conditions are right. When I wait too long, and the sun has given them the energy to grow and also dried out the dirt so they are anchored more deeply, it requires serious surgery to dig them out. Out must come the shovel, and for sure I better have gloves on if I want to save my manicure. Even if I succeed in removing them, often all that happens is that the tops will break off and the root remains buried beneath the surface, ready to sprout again.

Our subconscious mind is like fertile soil, and if we are not conscious of this then weeds will grow automatically. Weeds in our mind are the negative and fearful thoughts that cause us to feel scared, insecure, not enough, anxious, stressed, sad, unfulfilled, depressed…the list is long. They get planted in our mind no matter what, by judgments other people make on us, information overload from marketers telling us we need this or that to be happy. Look at the ads they have for phamaceuticals! They are all pointing out the imperfections that we may be experiencing with our bodies or our emotions, and telling us that we are not enough and need “a pill” to fix us.

If you plant the garden of your mind with the seeds you want to grow, they can and will drown out the weeds. Maybe not all of them at first, but if you are consistent and diligent with feeding your mind positivity and empowering thoughts and information, soon you will have a garden full of beautiful flowers of every color!

Don’t get me wrong, there will always be a stubborn weed, or negative belief, trying to get through the soil. You may think all is roses and you have finally figured out the secret of a happy, stress free life, and sure enough, one of those stubborn dandelions that broke off the top only will sprout some leaves. This can take you by surprise, in your zen life, all peaches and cream. You may say to yourself -“I thought I already dealt with this?! Why am I getting tested or triggered again?”

Thus is life. Series of ever evolving opportunities to choose to learn and grow from our experiences.
Plant the seeds of love.

* Pray every day and give thanks to God for one more day to be on this planet experiencing all the beauty and variety that we have.
* Do something to enrich your mind- read or listen to something that will inspire you to be your highest self.
* Truly listen when people are talking to you, instead of formulating your reply
* Give- be generous with your time, praise, love, resources
* Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that life is a process, the joy is in the journey
* Be grateful- life is abundant and will give you exactly what you need at the present moment to further your spiritual growth