Category: personal growth

acceptance

When I found out I was expecting a son, my second child, I was so happy. I already had a beautiful daughter who was 4 years old, smart independent, joyful and really an easy child. I spent the months before he was due preparing his room and our family to welcome what I thought was going to be another easy step in the path of my life. I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant with him, buying cute maternity clothes and using the excuse that I was eating for 2 to indulge in hot fudge sundaes on a semi frequent basis! As the date he would arrive neared, the whole family was brimming with excitement to be welcoming a boy into the fold, the first grandson for both sides of our family.

On a Friday in April we were so excited to be heading to the hospital to welcome our little boy. The delivery went smoothly and soon we had a beautiful baby boy in our arms. That evening the nurses took him to the nursery to give me some much needed rest. Around 5 am the doctor came into my room with some frightening news. I listened in shock as he told me that my new baby boy had stopped breathing during the night, and that the nurses had resuscitated him. He was on a heart and breathing monitor but they were going to transfer him to Children’s Hospital for further testing and observation. I could not even process what they were telling me, his voice seemed to be coming from far away, and I thought he was playing some kind of twisted joke that I didn’t get.

Baby Noah was transferred to neonatal ICU and stayed there for 3 week, during which he had to undergo a series of tests only to find nothing physically wrong with him. They sent us home with him attached to an oxygen monitor that he needed to wear 24 hours a day, and would give of a shrill alarm if he stopped breathing again. Thankfully he never experienced another episode, but as he got older, he was failing to reach the milestones that are considered normal. He was an unhappy baby, crying and screaming to the point of exhaustion, and did not learn to walk until he was almost 2 years old. Although we saw specialists after specialist, no one was ever able to come up with a reason why he was developmentally delayed.

When he was 3 he was assessed for services by the school district, and I received the news I had been in denial about until then. According to his IQ testing, he was categorized as having a severe intellectual disability, which to me was a harsh reality that my little boy would never “catch up”. The next several years were some of the most challenging in my life. I was angry and upset that he was not progressing at the same rate as my other children, and I couldn’t understand why he would fight me on every front. His tantrums every morning as I rushed to get everyone ready and off to school had me more often than not in tears. I was mad that this was the hand that was dealt to me. I was resentful because I thought he would never get to be happy and experience life as I had hoped for him.

When he was about 10 an angel gave me a poem that changed my life.

I remember the daily struggle to get him to do things that I thought he should be doing such as getting himself dressed, or putting on his own shoes. I was so angry that he would not cooperate, and the more I pushed the more he resisted. It was like on some deeper level he knew that I was resisting him as a perfect human being. I resented that he needed more help, and I was angry with God for giving me such a difficult challenge. I can clearly remember the turning point in my life and my relationship with my son. I wish I could remember who it was that shared this piece of life saving poetry with me, but I cannot. I guess it doesn’t really matter who gave it to me because it came as divine intervention at the right time for me to hear the message and change my outlook.

It gave me such a timely insight into accepting the alternate reality that was my relationship with this special being. Once I began to look at Noah as just different, not better or worse, it opened the door to truly seeing that he is a gift. Not only did I gain new eyes, but with these accepting eyes he has blossomed right before my eyes. He is here to remind me what life is really about, joy, love, happiness and acceptance of all that comes my way. I am constantly learning from him he is pure love. The only thing inside him is love, purity and innocence, like a child. Acceptance of the variations of life in their perfect way, teaching me to love.

Welcome to Holland

what i learned when i shaved my head

"When you go out into the woods, and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn't get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don't get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree. The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying 'You are too this, or I'm too this.' That judgment mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are." - Ram Dass

Our family was rocked with a reminder of the fragility of life in 2016 when my sister was diagnosed at 45 with breast cancer. In an act of solidarity with her as she was scared of the hair that was beginning to fall out due to her treatments, I decided to shave my head.

This seemed like such a simple thing to do for her, that I hoped would show my never ending support and belief in her, but it came with a whole lot of growth challenges for me.

With my head shaved bald as a cue ball, and as it started growing back with a strong dominance of gray, I started questioning my beauty. I didn't think I was a vain woman, but this experience showed me that vanity was hidden there behind my humility. This was tough to look at. It made me look closely at other things about myself that I was hiding from. It really made me look at what beauty is, and to redefine it for myself at my innermost core. Now there is beauty for me everywhere, and I see it in everyone. I see it even in people who seem mean and spiteful, because I know that their behaviors are masking deep pain and fear. I see now that true beauty is really from the soul.

Beauty is in kindness. It is in love, it is in laughter, it is in human touch. Society and marketing attempt to tell us what beauty is, much of what we see in the media is targeted at showing us that we are less than. It is rare to see a message that you are perfect the way you are, yet that is exactly true.

I am very blessed to have a husband and partner who has seen the beauty within me, and never stops reminding me of it through his words, touch, and love. I know that loving myself would be a lot more difficult if he had not always believed in my even when I did not. I feel so liberated now, believing in myself and in my innate goodness, I want to share this peace and joy and continue to inspire others to dream and see their own perfection and beauty.

desire

How much of my energy has been spent wanting something I do not have? This can be striving towards a goal or wanting something new, or even the craving for something sweet to eat after dinner. That feeling of desire for something other than what I have right now. It has served me well and is the source of most of my ambition and if I am totally truthful of my success in business as well. What I see now is that every desire, craving, goal, ambition, mountain I climb, I am searching for a feeling. All for the feeling that I get when I acquire it.

We are always in search of a feeling, in everything we do. It could be pride, satisfaction, satiety, accomplishment, gratitude, release, joy, delight...there are as many ways to describe what we feel as there are people on this planet! But what we feel after that fades is the LACK of desire. The feeling we are seeking can be achieved by simply making the decision to accept every moment as a divine working of the Universe, here to teach me and for me.

It's like jumping forward to the feeling of already having all we could ever dream or desire. Begin living from the place that you already have what you desire. Act as if...you are a great leader, you have an abundance of resources, you are a creative genius, a great listener, loving and loveable...Stop desiring and start allowing. Stop trying to figure everything out. Listen more and judge less. Accept and allow. Everything is already inside you, just like the oak tree that is already inside the acorn.

hungry angry lonely tired

One of the tools I use when I feel myself getting aggravated, frustrated, upset or when someone that is close to me is giving off negativity is to asses my state. Am I hungry? (or thirsty!), angry, lonely, tired? All of these states can conspire to make the less desirable part of me rise up and react to whatever happens to be triggering me at the moment.

I have to give credit to my husband James for this tool, which originated in our early parenting years when we were learning how to manage our 5 kids. Discovered early on that most of the upsets between them happened when they were hungry or tired. It was key to keep them well rested and to have healthy meals and snacks available for them at all times. It took thinking ahead and a lot of teamwork to give our kids the attention, love and care they needed to be happy, healthy individuals.

James and I have figured out that we do best when we are together. Loneliness can creep in even though we live, work, sleep and eat together, unless we make dedicated time to really be present for each other. This usually translates into an overnight getaway every couple of months, with smatterings of coffee on the porch and deep conversations in the garage sprinkled in to reconnect, check in, and really hear the other person.

Anger is not a place I go to frequently, but when I do, it for sure has gotten triggered because I have let something fester and not communicated with someone about what is going on. Checking in frequently with myself and my state (How am I feeling right now?) is my method for staying in touch with myself.

Try this next time you are feeling at odds with someone or something in your life take a moment to asses your state, take a big drink of H2O, and ask yourself if you are hungry angry lonely tired.

planting seeds

Weeds start small, and can be plucked out if you catch them when they are still young. I know from my own garden that if I don’t pluck them after the rain when the soil is soft and the weeds are small, they will quickly grow deeper roots and be harder to dig out later. Its always amazing to me how easily I can pull them when the conditions are right. When I wait too long, and the sun has given them the energy to grow and also dried out the dirt so they are anchored more deeply, it requires serious surgery to dig them out. Out must come the shovel, and for sure I better have gloves on if I want to save my manicure. Even if I succeed in removing them, often all that happens is that the tops will break off and the root remains buried beneath the surface, ready to sprout again.

Our subconscious mind is like fertile soil, and if we are not conscious of this then weeds will grow automatically. Weeds in our mind are the negative and fearful thoughts that cause us to feel scared, insecure, not enough, anxious, stressed, sad, unfulfilled, depressed…the list is long. They get planted in our mind no matter what, by judgments other people make on us, information overload from marketers telling us we need this or that to be happy. Look at the ads they have for phamaceuticals! They are all pointing out the imperfections that we may be experiencing with our bodies or our emotions, and telling us that we are not enough and need “a pill” to fix us.

If you plant the garden of your mind with the seeds you want to grow, they can and will drown out the weeds. Maybe not all of them at first, but if you are consistent and diligent with feeding your mind positivity and empowering thoughts and information, soon you will have a garden full of beautiful flowers of every color!

Don’t get me wrong, there will always be a stubborn weed, or negative belief, trying to get through the soil. You may think all is roses and you have finally figured out the secret of a happy, stress free life, and sure enough, one of those stubborn dandelions that broke off the top only will sprout some leaves. This can take you by surprise, in your zen life, all peaches and cream. You may say to yourself -“I thought I already dealt with this?! Why am I getting tested or triggered again?”

Thus is life. Series of ever evolving opportunities to choose to learn and grow from our experiences.
Plant the seeds of love.

* Pray every day and give thanks to God for one more day to be on this planet experiencing all the beauty and variety that we have.
* Do something to enrich your mind- read or listen to something that will inspire you to be your highest self.
* Truly listen when people are talking to you, instead of formulating your reply
* Give- be generous with your time, praise, love, resources
* Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that life is a process, the joy is in the journey
* Be grateful- life is abundant and will give you exactly what you need at the present moment to further your spiritual growth

working class parents

There is no shame in being in the working class. Some parents put their own expectations on their kids to “do better than I did” or to do more. There is nothing wrong with wanting more for your children, I do too. I want them to have more strengths than I have, and I think that truly accepting your self and your children as unique and divine individuals means to value the gifts that you have given them by being a hard worker. There is no shame in raising your children to do what you have done, to make their way by thinking for themselves. To follow their own drummer and not work so hard to please me.

I celebrate their diversity, I love that they don’t ask for my permission or approval. I am in constant practice to Let go when it comes to my children. They are amazing unique, brilliant and beautiful souls. Each one is different in their wants, needs, likes and dislikes, but they all have such real and deep love inside them, and are fiercely loyal to each other and to me.

No matter how I attempt to stay impartial, the love and pride I feel for these young humans is immense, and I cannot fathom how they came to being through me and my love. I am so honored and humbled that they have come into my life, and that I am learning to communicate in different ways with each of them. I have a deep connection with them all and it is sometimes difficult for me to stay neutral when all I want to do is keep them safe.

I know it is no longer my job to do that. My job with them now is to be present for them, to accept them in all of their crazy ups downs sideways and cartwheels while holding a space for them of love and curiosity.

I am here to offer support not solutions.

take action

One of the challenges I have had is in taking the information and ideas that I have and turning them into action. It is great to dream and be inspired, but if you don’t speak it and set actionable goals, they can remain forever lost in the loop of your mind.

In this day of distraction and immediate satisfaction, it is so easy to look at the next shiny ball and outside yourself for stimulation. Setting intentional goals and giving yourself a time line for completion will help you reach your goals more quickly, and be able to move on to bigger and more impactful things. Accountability is key.

Think it-it starts with a thought or ideal
Dream it-let it play out in your mind, imagine its journey and success, but don’t get caught up here- this is a seductive place to stay where you can imagine it as being done and never take action
Speak it-say it out loud to someone, ideally many someones
Do it-commit to the first step, repeat, repeat, repeat